Question for wise seniors

[abstractx1]

I don't like dumping my problems on other people, I am not an attention seeker, and am not looking for sympathy. I am in my mid twenties.
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I have this growing urge inside me, like a constant presence that doesn't go away, and it is the one thing that is wreaking havoc on my life - the desire to love and be loved until I die. I have isolated myself emotionally and trained myself not to feel for as long as I can remember, that I no longer have a real grasp on what it feels like to be normal... I mean, I can remember what it used to feel like, but now... now it is just alien to me and I just have to pretend. If you have ever been on an empty bus at night, gazing through the window at the changing world, not even thinking, almost falling asleep... that is how I have been feeling for so long and am just tired.

My question is aimed at the senior members on this site, those who have lived long and have a real understanding about themselves that only comes after all of this. I went through something that has just merged all of my feelings together into just confusion (I would rather had been physically tortured). Can a sequence of emotional events remove this desire because I am afraid it might have.

[basilandthyme]

At almost 48 I assume I count as a senior here.

I can't tell you if the feeling of wanting to connect ever goes away because I've never wanted it to go away. I do all I can to be loved and give love to my partner, kids and friends. The other two questions are a bit obscure, so I'm not sure where to go with them.

What I don't understand from your post is what you WANT your life to be. Do you want to be alone? Or do you want to open yourself back up to the possibility of love? And why did you choose to train yourself to be unfeeling in the first place?

Do you have any diagnosis which would impact your interaction with others? Eg; Aspergers, anxiety, depression?

[abstractx1]

Thanks for the reply, I have changed my post to just ask one question.

The questions I can answer with certainty:

Why did you choose to train yourself to be unfeeling in the first place? - I was raised as a physicist and believed that emotions were unimportant and just part of being human. I never wanted love, or happiness... I wanted to why the universe behaves the way it does. It worked, and I believe I discovered everything I needed to know... but it made me realize that a life without emotions is not a life I wanted to live.

Do you have any diagnosis which would impact your interaction with others? - No.

[basilandthyme]

I went through something that has just merged all of my feelings together into just confusion (I would rather had been physically tortured). Can a sequence of emotional events remove this desire because I am afraid it might have.

Without knowing what happened, how you felt then and how you feel now, I cannot begin to answer. I really don't even know what you mean. Well that, and it's a very complex question for a lay person. Perhaps a psychologist may be able to answer it with more clarity?

The upshot of all of this is that you've discovered that a life without emotions is not what you want. A psyhologist would be the best bet at this point - someone to help you unlearn all those learned behaviours. But in the meantime, what steps are you taking to change your life?

[abstractx1]

It is ok, I am confused, and I don't really know what I mean - my mind is desperately trying to make sense of what I am going through. As for the steps, I have been self-teaching piano to bring out my emotion.

Thank you for your advice.

[basilandthyme]

Piano is nice. But what are you doing about learning to care for people?

[abstractx1]

I am taking the steps necessary, but this post was more about me trying to understand if my core beliefs/desires were static or not. I am at a point where my solid goals/dreams are not clear and was hoping if someone with a great deal of life experience could shed light on how their beliefs/desires changed with time and bad experiences i.e. if anyone stopped 'wanting' to connect, or if it came back.

[dontaskme]

Your username depicts your thread really well.

[basilandthyme]

I am taking the steps necessary, but this post was more about me trying to understand if my core beliefs/desires were static or not. I am at a point where my solid goals/dreams are not clear and was hoping if someone with a great deal of life experience could shed light on how their beliefs/desires changed with time and bad experiences i.e. if anyone stopped 'wanting' to connect, or if it came back.

Our core beliefs can most certainly change with life experience. I am the polar opposite of who I was 25 years ago! For me, having a disabled son turned me from a Right Wing voter into a bleeding heart Leftie who understands that some of us need more help than others.

Goals and dreams and the things we enjoy also shift with life experience. I'm currently doing some new things which I had never imagined would be part of my life.

But no, I never stopped wanting to connect.

I guess that some people who remain closed to change and new experience will remain static. But I imagine that they would be in the minority.