Can a man and woman be friends only?

[johanna1]

Hi,

I met a man 2 weeks ago....he invited me out for dinner, picked me up from work and went for pre-tasting wine, we texted/called every night until 2-3 in the morning until one night when he actually told me he is married but he still wants us to be friends and if I am ok with it. He is a very old school gentleman, very smart and funny. I really enjoyed our conversations and his company. Now....as I am single ...I really thought this will take a romantic direction. So I was speechless when I heard about him being married because he didn't give me any hint that he might be. When we first met at a happy hour, he was alone, he is very spontaneous, plus all the time he has on his hands to text and call!!! Also, he didn't bother to tell me at dinner or during our conversations that he is married. I just found out 2 nights ago. He told me he has grown kinds (I assume from previous marriage) but now he is married and has a dog. He told me that him and his wife have separate social lives....and that he is tired to wait around for her to do things together because they have different interests and different priorities. He kind of said he is just paying the bills for her. Now, like I mentioned I did like his company and conversations and I cannot deny that I liked the attention I got from him as well. Should I go ahead and be friends only? Do you think he only wants to have a platonic friendship or does he want more??? I am very confused and don't know what to do!!!! Please help!!

[TheEvilJester]

It's hard to say because I don't know him and cannot read his mind. Could his intentions truly be 100% innocent? Sure, possibly. It could also very well be, though, that he wants to use you so he can cheat on his wife without every any intention of actually leaving her. Two extremes, but you really cannot know which is the case.

Bottom line, I would recommend caution if you do intend to remain friends. Most importantly, though, would you be okay with just remaining friends, or would you secretly just be waiting around hoping he does eventually leave his wife and go out with you? You never want to waste your time waiting around for something that may never happen. If you have feelings for him as more than a friend, then it would be better just to move on and forget him.

If you do remain friends, though, one thing is for sure. You should not be texting/talking all the time and/or doing date-like things one on one. He's married, so that would be inappropriate. You would both have to respect important boundaries. Basically, as though you were hanging out with a female friend, her he were hanging out with one of his male buddies.

Good luck to you either way.

[johanna1]

Thank you so much for your insight! Just like you said the one-on-one dinner we had was one reason he made me think he is NOT married. It was like a date. I do not have feelings for him. However I did like his companionship, our conversations and also the common interests. I kind of formed a certain attachment to him because of the above reasons but I am not in love with him. There is a pretty big gap between us as well (age wise) and I was really thinking if I can pursue this due to the age difference or not. I am 37 and he is 53. These thoughts I had before I knew he is married. So I wasn't sure myself. Honestly, I probably crave his attention and nothing more.
Another aspect to it is that we will probably cross paths professionally sometime in January/February of next year. So I can forget about him but I will see him again and work together just for 2-3 months only (and not everyday). So to me it is important to keep a "friendship" to a certain level so I can go out with him, get the attention I need, work together but keep it all platonic. Do I sound selfish? Do you think I will put myself in a dangerous situation? He invited me to have some wine together over the weekend....again a one-on-one thing. I told him I will get back to him because I needed to find some answers first. He has lots of time for texting and calling. We engage into long conversations like history, culture, music, etc. We talk about anything and everything. However, you are right about texting so long...it could be misleading...but what if he continues?

- - - Updated - - -

I am wondering if friendship to him means also sexual relationship. He flirted with me a lot....and I really thought he is very much into me. He seems a very lonely guy...and it seems that his priority is making friends because he told me himself that he is tired to wait for his wife to come around and do things together. He told me that never happened or it will never will because they have different interests and different priorities. So I guess, now he is trying to make himself a social life and meet new people, which I am ok with it. He joined different social groups just he could make new friends. I feel bad if I will put him down because he seems like the kind of guy who NEEDS that social life. I really don't know what to do. Should I go ahead thinking that nothing will happen, see him, joke with him (I will probably see him one-on-one because at least that's what he did until now) and see what happens...? If he crosses boundaries...I can say stop? Or I should stop investing myself into our conversations, going out and try to impose my boundaries as we speak?

Thank you so much for your help!

[smackie9]

There is this thing called emotional affairs where you text each other regularly, go on date like outings, etc. Also the fact he tells you he his married AFTER you have been doing all this stuff together....this is not right.

It would be different if you were a apart of his and his wife's social circle of friends and you all know each other well, then that would be different. I doubt very highly his wife knows anything about what he is doing.

Why is he doing this? maybe because he is bored with his marriage, or intimacy is lacking in his marriage or she is ill /disabled and can't go out and do these things.

Since you two just "met", you are a complete stranger, and he is willing to wine and dine you......I bet money on he will eventually make this into something romantic, in time.

Cheaters are con artists. They will weave a web of lies making it look all innocent, maybe grab some sympathy from the participant (you) by saying things are no so good in the marriage to justify their actions.

To me this is wrong. Already you have caught some feelings for him, and now here you are all confused as to what the hell he is doing. If it were me I wouldn't waste my time, and invest my time with someone who is single and ready for a relationship.

[basilandthyme]

Totally agree with Smackie. His plans for you are not of the strict friendship kind.

[Wakeup]

Why would you want to hang out with a married man? Are you desperate for companionship and so you pretend to yourself that you will be able to keep your feelings out of your "dates?"

Surely you think more of yourself then to be someone's piece on the side? Get rid of him. He's a liar and a player.

[smarta$$]

Do you think he only wants to have a platonic friendship or does he want more???

He wants to put his penis in you.

[johanna1]

Thank you all for your replies. I will follow your suggestions. This forum is great for people who have lots of questions and confused like myself.

[megvoh]

I agree with the rest - he wants you for more than friendship and if there is any sexual intentions than you can't just be friends when one side wants to bag you.

[TheEvilJester]

Like I said before, I am not a mind reader and cannot know what is in his head. Maybe he really did mean things to be 100% innocent and never intended to lead you on or cheat on his wife (emotionally or otherwise). Maybe, on the other hand, he is just telling you what you want to hear and is eventually planning to try to "get with you," so to speak.

That said, I do agree with the others. His actions would sort of raise concerns for me as well if I were you. For example, why did he wait until you'd already gone out on date-like activities to suddenly tell you he was married?

My gut instinct would be to say to forget him, but if you really are only interested in being his friend and nothing more, you could maybe just proceed with caution. Maybe time will prove him to be the honorable guy he pretends to be and then it would have been a shame if you pre-judged him and missed out on a good friend because of it. All the same, it may be in your best interest just to be "friendly" but not friends, so to speak. In other words, maybe don't hang out/text/etc. all the time, but remain cordial and friendly. But, again, that would have to ultimately be your decision. Good luck to you.

[dontaskme]

Like I said before, I am not a mind reader and cannot know what is in his head. Maybe he really did mean things to be 100% innocent and never intended to lead you on or cheat on his wife (emotionally or otherwise).

What???! When a guy is married and is pretending to be a friend while wining and dining a girl, there is nothing 100% innocent about that and he's definitely NOT thinking with his head on top if you know what I mean.

[TheEvilJester]

That's why I said, "maybe" and then went on to admit that even I would be doubting his motives. I mean, come on. I know I write gigantic encyclopedia sized responses, but that one wasn't THAT long.... especially for me. LOL!

- - - Updated - - -



Honestly, the only reason I'm ever hesitant to instantly condemn somebody as being a creep just trying to use somebody is that I can kind of understand having 100% innocent intentions but people thinking the worst. Granted, were I married I would NOT be doing one on one date like activities with some random girl, nor would I sort of be trying to unofficially "replace" my wife with other women, whether via an emotional affair or even more.

However, I have always been the kind of guy who would do anything for a good friend, and that doesn't matter whether they are male, female, animal, vegetable, mineral. LOL! Sometimes people see a nice guy trying to be there for friends and just automatically assumes they are just trying to get something out of it, or some other nefarious intentions. Or they see a guy being really nice to female friend or doing nice things for her, saying nice things to her, etc. and they automatically assume it is because he wants to get in her pants. Nevermind that maybe he actually is just a good person who would do that for his male friends as well.

So, though I may honestly doubt this guy's motives, and may even advise the OP to be cautious because he's PROBABLY just being a "player," I just am not often comfortable saying that is DEFINITELY the case. That's why I tend to like to give advice for both possibilities just in case.

[dollhouse]

Yes than can but not in the scenario you described.. I have good male friends that I never once wanted to sleep with or kiss them.. never a crossing boundaries thought involved on either side.