Always Needing to Hear It?

[treehugger101]

Have any of you ever dated, been in a relationship, engaged, married, etc. To someone who always told you stuff like "I feel rejected and neglected and that no one loves me." OR they always ask you "Do you like me and why?" OR "Do you love me and why?" saying this stuff and asking this stuff to you like 24/7? What would you do about this situation? Would you always reply to these remarks or just move on and find someone else?

The guy I have been seeing for the past 7 months, is always asking me this kind of stuff and he should already know my answer, I don't like having to repeat myself 24/7. What would you do?

[Wakeup]

I would tell him to stop wanting to be reassured so much or I was going to have to leave him even if I didn't want to because his obsessive need to be validated was not conducive to a mutually satisfying and trusting relationship. Unless he has a specific reason to feel that I was not fulfilling something that he needed and could tell me what that was so that I could try to rectify, he needs to stop questioning my involvement with him.

If you keep enabling this needy and gag-worthy, emotional immaturity, he will never stop this insane fear of his.

Talk to him calmly and matter of factly that you will not tolerate his unwarranted insecurity and need to be validated a minute longer. Encourage him to get the therapy he needs to end this part of him. Then give him "x" amount of time to show you that he has grown up and if he hasn't changed ... dump him and repeat to him why you are doing it so that he at least knows that good women will not tolerate that shit.

[SuperHappyTime1]

Have any of you ever dated, been in a relationship, engaged, married, etc. To someone who always told you stuff like "I feel rejected and neglected and that no one loves me." OR they always ask you "Do you like me and why?" OR "Do you love me and why?" saying this stuff and asking this stuff to you like 24/7? What would you do about this situation? Would you always reply to these remarks or just move on and find someone else?

The guy I have been seeing for the past 7 months, is always asking me this kind of stuff and he should already know my answer, I don't like having to repeat myself 24/7. What would you do?

It depends.

How often are you hanging out and is he your go-to invitee for any activity?

If the answers are "Rarely" and "No", I'd probably be asking the same questions, and (hopefully) pick up on your terrible acting and dump you myself. Or I'd fall for the act and ask the question a few weeks later, often enough that she thought to ask some strangers online. She'd get the advice of "Dump his loser ass ASAP!!!" and then we wouldn't be an item anymore.

Or the answer is "Every Day" and "First!" and he needs constant approval and is thus a crazy person and you should dump him ASAP!

[solarion]

Have any of you ever dated, been in a relationship, engaged, married, etc. To someone who always told you stuff like "I feel rejected and neglected and that no one loves me." OR they always ask you "Do you like me and why?" OR "Do you love me and why?" saying this stuff and asking this stuff to you like 24/7? What would you do about this situation? Would you always reply to these remarks or just move on and find someone else?

The guy I have been seeing for the past 7 months, is always asking me this kind of stuff and he should already know my answer, I don't like having to repeat myself 24/7. What would you do?

Oh yeah. Date long enough and everyone will encounter another that's lacking in self-esteem, if not just flat out wallowing in self pity...so depressing to be around. This is the fuel that feeds co-dependence.

No, I wouldn't always reply, but would probably dump someone that doesn't see their own self worth like a hot potato. This isn't a small problem that goes away quickly, so unless you're really into this guy, then I think you should cut your losses.

[basilandthyme]

I second what Wakeup said. But I also agree with what Super Happy Time says. In short, make sure that you're already doing the right thing by your partner - but if they continue with the behaviour even after discussing that it's very tiring, then move on.

[TheEvilJester]

I think this is one time where everybody's advice and thoughts thus far come together very nicely. I agree with all that has been said. On the one hand, if there are legit reasons why he may feel so insecure, then maybe there is something you can do to help him stop feeling so insecure. If you aren't, then it could be a lack of self-esteem thing. I definitely wouldn't say you should leave him or get upset with him over that. At the same time, it isn't okay for him to just keep wallowing in that. At some point, he needs to realize that you wouldn't be with him if you didn't want to be with him. That by loving him, obviously YOU see something worthwhile in him even if he may not. If he cannot get to that place on his own, then he needs to seek help to do so.

Because you are definitely right. You shouldn't have to constantly reassure him. At some point, he needs to realize that obviously YOU think he deserves you, and that needs to be good enough. I can certainly understand self-esteem issues. I've lived with a very low self-esteem my whole life. I'd even go so far as to say I used to have NO self-esteem. The thing is, you (meaning me, meaning your boyfriend) can't just give up and accept that. To get any better, you have to put in the effort to get better. If/when I have a girlfriend, I may still not see it myself, but I don't go around constantly asking them "Why would you ever want to be with ME?" or stuff like that.

I think basil summed the whole thing up very well. Be there for your fella. You'd want him to be there for you. You certainly wouldn't help his self-esteem issues any by leaving him because of them.... BUT at the same time, if they continue and he refuses to do anything to better his situation, then you frankly aren't doing him any help anyway despite all your best efforts. So, if it unfortunately comes to that point, you would owe it to yourself to realize you deserve better than that.

I hope it never comes to that. I feel for the guy because I've been there. So, I'd hate for him to drive you away because of his own self-doubt, but the thing is he needs to show up to his own fight if he's ever going to win it. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Good luck to you.

[treehugger101]

So what should I say to him when he continues to ask me those types of questions?

[Wakeup]

ReRead post No. 2

[dollhouse]

When I was a teenager and dating not as an adult dating. If he has self esteem issues maybe suggest therapy to him to help him get past it and find ways to help himself with out appearing so needy to his partner.

[TheEvilJester]

Ha ha! Well.... I'm not quite sure if I'd agree with Wakeup's suggested approach, but I definitely agree with her intention behind it. No offense at all intended, Wakeup. It's just, again, maybe he has self-esteem issues, and if you are nasty to him about it, you aren't going to do him any favors. Yet, at the same time, if he continues to need to be babied and you continue to provide that to him, you won't be doing him any favors either.

I think more so, my suggestion if he keeps it up would be something along the lines of....

"Of course I love you. I love you for a number of wonderful reasons. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you deserved me. Why do you feel you have to keep asking? When you ask me this all the time if makes me worried that you are doubting me when I don't feel like I've done anything to deserve to be doubted."

This still confronts the issue without basically telling him he needs to man up or you are leaving. Maybe this will make him feel comfortable reaching out and being honest with you. If it has to do with self-esteem issues he suffers, you can offer to help him in any way you can, you can suggest he get help if necessary. IF he is willing to put in the effort to actually improve his own issues, then having a loving, supporting partner would be a big help. You'd be doing him so much better to stay with him (IF that is the case) than you would by leaving him because he is too insecure.

Not only that, but maybe he has also had bad situations in the past where girls he thought loved him very much wound up hurting him. Maybe there are reasons he is so reluctant to trust that what you feel for him is real. If that is the case, who couldn't understand that? You can hopefully help to reassure him that you are NOT like those who have done that to him in the past.

That said, if he refuses to do anything to better his own issues.... if he just continues to wallow in his low self-esteem and self pity issues, there is only so much of that one person can put up with, or should even. If he's not going to do anything to get through his own crap, then maybe you need to leave him to figure it out on his own while you find yourself somebody who won't drive you so crazy with thinking they are not worthy of you to the point where you finally believe it too.

If he refuses to do anything to get past this, then I'm honestly not even sure I'd suggest you tell him to shape up or ship out. I think at that point you just tell him to ship out. He can shape up on his own. But, maybe that is just me.

[Wakeup]

Telling someone that you are fed up with their shit (in a really nice way but a matter of fact way) is NOT being "nasty." It is being truthful and giving them a chance to get the help they need with their "self-esteem" issues and remedy the threat of driving away the very person they are afraid of not measuring up to.

"They may have self-esteem issues?" Unless the Op is showing him in actions that she's indifferent to him and therefor has him fearing abandonment, then he definitely has self-esteem issues. If he doesn't have them, then he has codependency issues for staying with a chick that is showing him indifference... just leave her mang and find someone who is all ovva ya shit.

So there... and, no offence taken.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with you there, Wakeup. I guess maybe we are sort of saying the same thing but just wording it differently. I think mainly what I didn't necessarily agree with was the idea of wording it in a "Knock it the Hell off or I'm leaving you" kind of way. At least not without first trying to give him the opening to come clean about why the heck he keeps asking. Again, hence why my thoughts lean more towards just asking him, albeit nicely and politely, why he feels the need to keep asking.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting treating him with kid gloves. That approach is already obviously not working because he keeps asking such insecure questions over and over. Time to tighten the grip a little, just saying I don't think you need to go from Mickey Mouse straight to Chuck Norris. LOL!

Good ol' Chuck can wait around, though, in case this fella refuses to do anything to get over his own crap. I of all people understand how hard it is to get over stuff like that, but if you don't at least try then how is anybody else supposed to fight for you if you won't fight for yourself?

I guess I kind of think of it like this....

Imagine your significant other says/does something that really bothers you. They didn't mean it to bother you and have no way to know it did. The first time you just politely shrug it off. It bothers you, but you figure it is not THAT big a deal. ...But then he/she does the same thing again.... and again.... and again. You've never said anything to them about it, but the more and more they do it, the more and more it bothers you....

Then one time you snap at them for it and tell them to knock it off or you're going to knock them out. That's kind of what I mean here. He's asked her these insecure questions again and again and again, but so far all she's done is to answer him and not give any indication that she was getting sick of him asking. (That is unless she actually has and just didn't mention it in this thread). So, at least give him the opportunity to realize that he needs to knock it off before going from 0 to p*$$ed off.

[solarion]

saying this stuff and asking this stuff to you like 24/7?

The guy I have been seeing for the past 7 months, is always asking me this kind of stuff

Deeply rooted victim complexes and self-esteem issues do not go away easily and they don't go away due to coddling. The best chance to help someone exhibiting this behavior is a good sharp kick in the azz...emotionally speaking. A "Wakeup" call if you will. Failing that, it's best to recognize that one can only control their own behavior, they cannot make another respect themselves or recognize their own self worth. This is a 7 month old relationship and it's still going on...what is supposed to fix this at this point? Sure the OP's man could clam up and stop saying these things to her, but that would just be masking a symptom, it would not cure the problem.