36 year old virgin has first date - desperately needs advice!

[aa74pickle]

I'm a 36 year old guy with Social Anxiety Disorder. I've also had mild depression at times. Oh, and I'm also a virgin and hadn't ever been on a date before this weekend. Earlier this year I saw a licensed psychologist for a few months and did some Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It had a positive effect and I was able to go on a job interview and I also got the job! Unfortunately I no longer had time to continue the therapy with my new work hours, so we never got into talking about dating. However I decided it was time to try it even if I didn't have the support of a therapist. So I recently joined a dating website and started texting with this girl. On Friday night we went on a date, which was the first date I've ever been on. We went to a restaurant and although I was nervous at first, I eventually calmed down enough to be relaxed. I tried to act confident and smile and make good eye contact and I think I succeeded for the most part. And believe it or not I think we actually sort of hit it off! I also did all this without any alcohol or other form of social lubricant which I'm extremely proud of!

After the restaurant we went to a bar on her suggestion. I held her hand as we walked in. From there we ordered some drinks. There was a band playing and I felt that I had to dance with her if I wanted the night to really end well. I was extremely uptight about dancing since I've never ever danced in front of anyone before. I kind of forced myself to dance a little even though it was really hard and I felt awful doing it. Eventually though I ordered another drink and I loosened up a bit. For a while we were standing at the bar making conversation. Eventually I worked up the courage to put my arm around her back as we were standing there. I could tell that she was attracted to me because she was leaning in close during the conversation and was also becoming touchy with me. From there I will admit that I did keep drinking to the point where I got at least a little drunk, if not totally drunk. But what happened after that is nothing short of amazing. Basically I took her out on the dance floor and just let loose like I never have in my entire life! I was twirling her around, holding her close to me, just absolutely going crazy dancing. Honestly, I know there was a lot of alcohol involved, but still it was probably the greatest time of my life!

After that I knew I was going to have to make a move and kiss her. What ended up happening is she knew I was in no condition to drive and so she drove me back to her place. She was even nice enough to stop and buy me some water on the way there. She said we were going to have to cuddle because her bed was only a twin. So basically after we got in bed we started making out and cuddling. I know it's very unusual but believe it or not I had never even kissed a girl before this point. So it may have been a drunk kiss but it still counts for something! After that nothing else happened. We didn't have sex, but we did go to sleep in an embrace. I think maybe I could have had sex with her if I was more aggressive, but I guess I wasn't ready to push it that far. I don't know if it would have been a good idea or not. All in all it still felt amazing to be with her.

The next morning waking up next to her was definitely a little awkward and uncomfortable as I was sober by that point. She offered to make me breakfast and was still touchy feely. After a little while she drove me to my car. We both got out, hugged, exchanged a small kiss, and said goodbye.

This is where things get difficult. So when I got home I felt really glad for what happened, but also really conflicted. Even though I did basically hit it off with her and had a great time, I'm not sure if she's ultimately what I'm looking for. I have a lot of doubts. For instance she said she has a drink or two every day, and I'm not a big drinker. I have a cousin that I'm close with that has been in AA for the past 18 years and I can envision her disapproving. She also has tattoos and I'm not really a tattoo guy. She's also Dominican and likes to travel and I have basically told myself for the last 20 years that I would never get on a plane because I'm terrified of flying. She is also super affectionate with her texting (sending emoticons with hearts, calling me "love", "dear", etc) and even though I like that, I feel like it's kind of rushing things. Yet I really did enjoy her company and we do have some stuff in common.

So when I got home even though I felt really conflicted I still texted her and said what a great time I had and that I'd love to see her again. I couldn't bring myself to do anything else. But I'm really conflicted and don't know what to do. I don't want to play games and hurt her. At one point today I was ready to tell her that we weren't a good match. But then I posted all of this to a social anxiety support forum and the responses I've gotten have mostly said that I don't realize how lucky I am to have hit it off with a girl like that on the first date, and that I'm just coming up with excuses to go back to my safe zone. They're also saying that if she's willing to overlook that I'm 36 and living with my parents then I should cut her some slack too (side note - I am planning on moving out soon). I could just really use some advice on what I should do because I'm a total mess over all of this.

And if I do continue dating her I really could use some advice on how/when/if I should tell her about 1) my virginity, 2) my anxiety disorder and related depression, and 3) the fact that I had never dated anyone before her. I don't want to scare her away!

[basilandthyme]

Is talking yourself out of doing stuff one of your 'things'? If so, you're doing it again. Stop it

You've done all this hard work on yourself and have gotten a job! You had a great date with a girl who enjoyed your company! Woo hoo - go you!

It's actually far too early to figure out if she's what you're looking for long term. The stuff you're worrying about is actually pretty small in the grand scheme of things and can be worked around.

* For instance she said she has a drink or two every day, and I'm not a big drinker. I have a cousin that I'm close with that has been in AA for the past 18 years and I can envision her disapproving.

I think the fact that she had to drive you home after your first date negates the fact that she drinks a little each day As for your AA cousin, I hope she doesn't push her opinions when you haven't asked for them. Remember that AA cousin is not the one dating this girl and AA cousin would probably also disapprove of the fact that you got drunk on your date.

* She also has tattoos and I'm not really a tattoo guy.

Tattoos are only skin deep. It's her personality which is important.

*She's also Dominican and likes to travel and I have basically told myself for the last 20 years that I would never get on a plane because I'm terrified of flying.

You've probably also told yourself for the past twenty years that you wouldn't date or get a job. But look at you now. Getting used to flying can be a goal worked towards the future.

* She is also super affectionate with her texting (sending emoticons with hearts, calling me "love", "dear", etc) and even though I like that, I feel like it's kind of rushing things.

This may be her usual texting method. Perhaps she sends texts like this to her mom too! Don't make the assumption that her texting style is about romantic love.

* Yet I really did enjoy her company and we do have some stuff in common.

This ^^^ is what's important.

Go with the flow. It may or may not work out. Most of us date many different people before finding the one and you will probably be no different. Enjoy it for as long as it lasts. If it lasts long term and you're very happy, well it's a terrific outcome. If it ends up being shorter term, then you'll have had fun, learned a bunch of stuff and gained experience.

Now, go ask her out again.