Utterly confused. Please help!

[pinky911]

I met a guy over a year and half back. We met through a friend. We happen to go dancing that night and I fell for his simplicity, charm and dance skills. We kept in touch, chatted often and started going out a month later.He is a couple of years younger than me and it definitely shows in the level of maturity. He also comes from a very different background - grew up in a very traditional set up and his family faced many economic issues.He is very attached to his family due to this. I, on the other hand come from a very educated and affluent family and am a very independent person.

Three months in the relationship, he moved abroad to study - while I got a PG degree a few years back and am quite settled in my career back home. I work for a large company in a fairly senior position and am very happy and passionate about where my career is going. He on the other hand has gone to study in a good school, but has a massive loan and is worried about finding a good job in this economic scenario.

He proposed to me earlier this year. I was happy and said yes, cos I truly loved him and wanted to marry him. But one thing affected me. His proposal - he said life is an evolution, we come in to this world and our parents take care of us. As they get older, we need to start taking care of them - and in this web, he see's no other person other than me to do this with. I didnt want a fancy gesture or any such thing - but I wanted the proposal to be about us and not about his parents. Is that too much to ask? We fought about it and he said it was his proposal and I cant tell him what to say. It may have appeared to be a bigger deal for me cos he constantly talks about his parents and how much he loves them. I constantly feel he prioritised them over me - owing to loose statements like 'my parents are like god to me and I can never love anyone else as much'.

I got over it and after that I visited him many times and he always made time for me, took care of me and things were fine. When he took me out to meet his friends, he always proudly introduced me to everyone and made sure I didnt feel lost in a new crowd.

In the past month, he made a trip home. Even before coming, he told me that he had seen me 3 times for 6 weeks in the past one year, but he had not seen his family at all in the past 1 year - so he wanted this trip to be about spending time with them. He would also see me of course - but he asked if I could be understanding about this. My heart sank a bit as I missed him too even if I saw him often, but I said okay. But when he was here, I again started to feel that he never prioritized me - this led to many fights. In fact we were constantly fighting about something or the other until he left.Eventually, we had a massive fight and I couldnt take it anymore - this constant rift, him getting angry and saying the meanest things (something he has acknowledged and had promised to work on) and we decided to break up.

I cut him off and my inner voice said I needed to move on. I talked about it endlessly and everyone seemed to think a guy must prioritise his partner and if he cant do that, I must move on and so I did.

But after a few days, he started calling and texting me - saying he cant live without me and has never loved anhyone as much. His friends called me saying this guy really loved you - you guys can talk it out. He was smoking and drinking and unable to focus on his job applications.

Eventually we talked, but we were not able to find a solution - the fact that he loved his family way too much. He says I am a priority, but not the only one. There are 3 ppl who mean the world to me and he doesnt want to choose one over the other (I know this sounds reasonable - but I constantly feel he will drop me like a hot potato for his parents anyday).

The other disturbing revelation was that he feels insecure. He thinks that he is very lucky to have me but it is not the other other way around. I dont think I have ever consiously done anything to make him feel that way. Our current difference in career graphs and the difference in our family backgrounds dont help the case either. His insecurities make him anxious that I call all the shots in this relationship. This ends up in him trying to control me sometimes - like ask for constant reassurance I will let him take care of his parents, that I would respect them etc and he wants to discuss living scenarios in the future - as some yrs down the line he wants to live close by to his parents so he is able to help - how can I offer any re-assurance on that front when I dont know what the future holds)

My family and friends think insecurity is deep rooted and as I progress in my career, these problems can get worse. He has time and again made very brash statements (like calling me a damsel in distress at my lowest point when I lost my dad - something he apologised, came home and cried about - after which I forgave him, telling me I need to give him space and not be needy sometimes etc)

All I know for sure right now is that I truly love him and I feel it when he kisses me. But I constantly crave to feel like I am important to him (which he constantly says I am and sites this one instance when I was sick and he stayed with me in ER for seven hours) - but then these instances are quickly replaced by him not meeting me often or not doing enough. I also know that he was loyal to me in the midst of many temptations over the past year in long distance.I know he loves me too but I feel bogged down - when in our last conversation he said I have only been focusing on what he needs to do differently and never think of what I could potentially do differently.

I am so confused and currently we are not talking. Someone please help me with some perspective.

Thanks!

[smackie9]

You both need to discuss expectations. Obviously you both have things that are very important to you. Marriage is a big deal, and you both have to learn to work through your differences or it's a big fail. His parents are his priority so you are going to have to accept that is part of the package deal. There is nothing wrong with expressing your limitations on as far you are willing to take this. You both need to come to some agreement on this and other things BEFORE you get married. Other things include : where you are going to live, are you going to rent or buy, how many children and when, are you going to keep working, how will the money be spent and saved, what goals will take priority, how and when will the parent be more of a priority, how will trips be planned, who's going to be responsible for what chores, etc. lots to think about here.

[solarion]

It sounds as though you two have a good foundation for a relationship. There are some positive things you've said that make it sound as though there's a lot to work with there and that you've both put effort into working on these things. With that said, I believe it would be wise to shelve and any discussion about marriage or significant future commitments. You two don't seem ready to take that step forward and it's likely to cause more harm than good. What you've said about his relationship with his parents is a bit troubling. How is your relationship with his parents?

Feelings of insecurity can be very difficult to overcome and these things about him that you question now could indeed snowball into more significant problems down the road...just as your family and friends have indicated. I suggest you take a firm stance against his tendency to question his own self-worth. Make it clear that if you felt he were not worthy of your presence then you'd choose to be elsewhere. Make it clear you'll not put up with self-pity, and that you want a strong partner who recognizes his own worth.

Suggest when you do resume communications you back things up a bit and try to focus on the things you love about one another. If there's a future there let it grow naturally.