4 years together, where do we go from here.

[BrianBlaze420]

Good morning,

I have been feeling really strange lately and I don't know what to do so maybe writing my feelings down can help.

4 years ago almost to this day a girl that I had been sleeping with occasionally and her friend invited me and one of my friends over. I went with the impression that was going to try to hook my friend up with the friend of the girl I had slept with.

After walking into my friends apartment I see her friend is gorgeous friend sitting on the couch and I pushed my friend to go sit with her. After a few hours of all of us talking and hanging out I notice that this girl is looking at me. The girl I slept with sent me a text saying that she thinks her friend is interested in me and we should see where it would go. That's right a girlfriend of mine (although we never dated) was trying to hook me up with her friend all of a sudden.

My buddy got the idea that she was crushing on me hard and so him and my friend went out to go get some drinks for us, leaving me and this new girl in the apartment alone. We started talking and quickly talking turned into making out and next thing I know I am coming to visit this girl almost every day!

We are very different people. She was just back from rehab trying to get her life together while on welfare and getting help from people around her. I was in school full-time and working full-time, living on my own. She was sleeping in until like 2pm everyday I was just finishing school heading to work.

There was still something different about her. She was hurting but I could see a hard worker in her. Without making this even longer then I have to, I will say that after a year of us working on getting her up earlier and slowly get her into the working world she has now been working full-time for a little more then 2 years. It really is awesome to say and I am really proud of her for sticking to it.

I have never had to battle addiction but I was raised by a drinker and have always been hopeful even though drinking did end up killing my dad. Matter of fact my dad had recently died before I met this girl so maybe that was where my head was at, "I am going to save this girl!"

I am having a hard time putting my thoughts into words at this part. Everyday has been a struggle for both of us and I honestly believe it's this way for everyone we are just all different. I find myself unhappy because she is happy making less then minimum wage. I know I should be happy she loves her job but in my heart I want her to want more. I think this is why we are arguing a lot right now. I have big dreams, I just started a career and am just now finally getting my life together and she is happy bitching about work and hanging out with friends everyday.

These are my problems. She is always telling me stories about work, and I know I should be happy she talks to me but I hate hearing about work drama. I don't even follow the work drama at my work. I just want to know you had a good day or bad day and what we can do to make tomorrow better. I feel like an alien.

On her friends, she has a couple of really good girlfriends, my ex included. And she loves spending time with them. She would rather spend time with them then chill out at our apartment (we are living together now). It's not like she doesn't want me around as she gets pissed when I don't want to go because she wants me to be there too. As much as I love people I love being alone with my love.

I feel like those 2 issues are killing me. She will bitch all day about her job but do nothing to change it. I don't mean quit but start looking at other places where they may pay you properly and treat you right. After I am done my day at work I don't want to go out and see people. I want to go home and relax, maybe even fool around!

I guess as I write this I am doing so to show myself how I really feel but am I crazy for even thinking that these are reasons to break up? Why are these things so important to me? I have been like this forever, and so we have argued about this since day 1 but I figured as we dated she would want to spend less time with friends and focus more on our future. She has started seeing her friends less but then I start to think that is not what she wants and I do not want to control her.

I am lucky that this is the only issue in my life right now. We both love each other, but we both feel like neither of our minds are changing and so we feel like this is the end. I feel like I am looking for an answer in my own thoughts and it just isn't happening.

I know people have broken up for much less but I have always felt like I can overcome anything, relationships have always been the exception. I don't want to be staying in hopes that she will change as it seems I am always living my life with hopes and dreams and the one thing I need real is the girl I am with.

I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this as I feel lost but at least found some words and put them together. If you have ever gone through something like this I would love to hear how it went.

[solarion]

Though you only scratched the surface in your narrative, it seems that you and she have very different plans for the future. She seems to be prioritizing relationships and social interactions, while you're largely career driven. I think you should both be asking yourselves what you hope to get out of the relationship going forward. Do you see yourself married to her? Does she see herself married to you? While I don't believe a relationship necessarily has to lead to marriage to be successful, I do believe that after a few years together you should be able to envision what a long term future with someone might look like.

I guess as I write this I am doing so to show myself how I really feel but am I crazy for even thinking that these are reasons to break up?

To answer your questions directly, no I do not think it's crazy to consider these differences valid reasons to question a future with someone. Human interactions are incredibly complex and if you feel like your needs are not being met now, then chances are the situation will not improve much going forward.

Why are these things so important to me?

I've come to believe that we prioritize our work lives to the extent we do, due to programming, more than anything else. By that I mean that these are not necessarily organic concepts in human nature beyond basic survival requirements.

[BrianBlaze420]

I very much appreciate the input!

When it comes to marriage I have always hated the idea. I think it's because after my parents split up when I was 3 I pretty much never saw my biological father again. I would never be that dad and the truth is one day I would like to get married, and maybe even have some kids. There have been a lot of marriages in my family lately which I feel has been pushing this subject more as well. The baby of my family (my youngest sister) just got married at the beginning of August and I was a groomsman for the wedding and my girlfriend and just about everyone else kept throwing little jabs at me "when will it be your turn".

I heard that if you wait to be ready for these things you will be always waiting and I don't want to be that guy but I also don't want to rush into anything right now and to me, marriage would be for life.

That being said this girl I am with now wants to get married and wants to have kids. I wonder if I will feel like I want to anytime soon. It sounds nice but I need a solid plan to actually execute this marriage business and I don't even want to talk marriage until our relationship is in check... then again maybe they are connected.

Things not changing is why I am scared. At the same time we have been growing together and that has been why it has been easy for me to stay thus far since she is like me and changing may not come easy but if you look at where we started 4 years ago to where we are now we are different people. Changing has been what we do best.

I think what makes this difficult is there is no right or wrong answers just need to follow my heart and do what is best for both of us.

I love this girl and she loves me, maybe that's all we need.

Thanks again for the comment lots of things to think about. We are going to sit down tonight and really talk about how we feel and I know this thread is helping me. If only for the simple fact that my thoughts are not just in my head anymore

[solarion]

I love this girl and she loves me, maybe that's all we need.

While some believe this to be the case, I do not. I believe that much of the human interaction that we call "love" is complex chemical reactions in the brain that allow(or force) us to overlook certain aspects about our significant other. This is, in my opinion, where expressions like "Love is blind" come from...because from an emotional stand point we are often quite blind to the suitability of our mates.

[BrianBlaze420]

I will keep that in mind as you are very much correct. I can't let that love blind me.

Thanks again