Still getting over old girlfriend

[Chock]

Hi,

I posted before with a situation that has been bothering me. That thread has been closed, but still in need of some direction.

[url]https://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/94935-getting-girlfriend-girlfriend.html?highlight=[/url]

Just a quick recap:
I left my GF of over two years because a major issue we had with trust, that wasn't going to get solved and was causing a lot of stress and fighting. I need to get over her, and am having more difficulty than I imagined.

I've been with a new GF (that I previously had a serious relation ship in the past for a long time). The new GF knows of the old one and knows that I have some issues with it, but we don't talk about it, nor to I even mention the old GFs name. I really love the new GF, because of the great times we had in the past.

However, the old GF is still in my mind. I know I won't go back, but need to get some of the good times out of my mind. I had more closeness and intimacy in the two years with her than anyone else... by a LOT. It was very passionate, and loving and we were planning a life together. However, her issue of trust just wasn't working. (She had several past failed relationship, after which she just developed a general distrust for men). But some of the times we had together were so unbelievably great, it was hard to forget them, and I'm having difficulty getting them out of my mind. I'll be reminded of her just with many of the daily things I do... like shopping, or going buy a place we once went to, or a road that we traveled a lot, and a number of other things. It's developed into a rather significant anxiety issues, for which I'm seeing a Dr. for.

Any good ideas?

[Wakeup]

Why are you trying to have a successful relationship with someone new (even though she's also an ex) when you haven't yet processed your last relationship to the point of being at least somewhat indifferent to her?

You are using your new girlfriend like a human bandaid to help you get past your pain. That is quite selfish actually and codependent in its pathology.

I do hope that your therapist is proficient in dealing with clients that are codependent so that you and he can work on you getting past some bad habits you've developed.

In the meantime. Put an elastic band around your wrist and ping it hard when you find yourself wallowing in your memories of her. You need to immediately change the subject of her when she pops into your head and the rubber band will make you consciously aware of your wallowing. (It's called aversion therapy)

I do hope that you are doing zero contact with this girl. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. Same thing with this girl. You won't be able to quit her either if you keep taking little hits of her attention.

[Chock]

Why are you trying to have a successful relationship with someone new (even though she's also an ex) when you haven't yet processed your last relationship to the point of being at least somewhat indifferent to her?

You are using your new girlfriend like a human bandaid to help you get past your pain. That is quite selfish actually and codependent in its pathology.

I do hope that your therapist is proficient in dealing with clients that are codependent so that you and he can work on you getting past some bad habits you've developed.

In the meantime. Put an elastic band around your wrist and ping it hard when you find yourself wallowing in your memories of her. You need to immediately change the subject of her when she pops into your head and the rubber band will make you consciously aware of your wallowing. (It's called aversion therapy)

I do hope that you are doing zero contact with this girl. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. Same thing with this girl. You won't be able to quit her either if you keep taking little hits of her attention.

Wakeup,

You make some very good points. My new GF (yes an old ex that I was with MUCH longer) knows about the old GF and the problems I'm going through. I don't dwell on it with her and never mention it. When the old GF pops back in my mind I try hard to eliminate any thoughts. And, yes, there is NC with her and it will be a matter of time and it will be over.

I'm just impatient... I want to move ahead faster. The old GF made MUCH more of an impression on me in the short time we were together and I really thought it would be forever. But just couldn't continue with her issues.

I'm not using anyone as a bandaid. The new GF and I are working on issues that we both had, and it's working quite well. Neither one of use is codependent on the other, but choose to be together. We do still have to develop more time together, to get over some of our past and develop a closer relationship, which is happening.

There is NO WAY that I'm going to return to the old GF.... but she is still very strong in my mind, and I thought it would be totally over by now.

The rubber band trick sounds worth a try. And my counselor has been very supportive, but it's been too long since I've seen him.

[solarion]

It seems apparent that you rushed into a new relationship before you were ready. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference. Until you can view your ex with a measure of indifference, you're not ready. Just because you don't talk to your current GF about this doesn't make it go away. You're not treating her fairly. You say you're working on issues with her, but you also say you're making sure not to discuss your ex with her, which is clearly an issue that is beyond her control. You owe it to your current GF to at least be straight with her about your inability to put the past where it belongs.

[Chock]

It seems apparent that you rushed into a new relationship before you were ready. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference. Until you can view your ex with a measure of indifference, you're not ready. Just because you don't talk to your current GF about this doesn't make it go away. You're not treating her fairly. You say you're working on issues with her, but you also say you're making sure not to discuss your ex with her, which is clearly an issue that is beyond her control. You owe it to your current GF to at least be straight with her about your inability to put the past where it belongs.

Solarion,

My present GF and I are good friends, and we have always been. She knows everything and exactly how I feel, and prefers not to discuss it often, however, if she wants, I will, and she has. She also has a few issues she is working with, too, and I'm tolerant with them. We have been a big help for each other.

And, no, I didn't rush into it with her. We both wanted to be together, and both realized that it would take time to get to work on our relationship.

I do keep her posted if Im having mood swings, which I do, occasionally. Yes, it is beyond her control, and mine, too. However, as time goes on, it gets better, but I wish it were a lot faster.

My post here is primarily about my getting over the old GF, not my relationship with the new one.

[solarion]

Sounds dreamy. Your new(old) GF doesn't seemingly mind that your ex GF is routinely on your mind so it's not a problem. Though it seems likely that if your new GF that is your old ex was fulfilling your needs this would not be happening. What are we supposed to do to help?

I really love the new GF, because of the great times we had in the past.

Curious...why did it end with the new GF last time? What has changed that would lead you to conclude it will be different this time?

[Wakeup]

You are using one another as emotional band-aids to help one another get over "issues." I will hazard a guess that when either you or she is feeling better about what is currently issuing you, you will no longer need the other and that is when break up No. 2 with this girl will take place.

Hopefully, I'm wrong.

Anyway: If you are not to the stage of indifference to a former lover then it's a good idea to keep yourself out of the dating scene until you are. I would think that everything you are doing with who you are with now, brings you to thinking of who you are no longer with. Any truth to that?

[Chock]

Sounds dreamy. Your new(old) GF doesn't seemingly mind that your ex GF is routinely on your mind so it's not a problem. Though it seems likely that if your new GF that is your old ex was fulfilling your needs this would not be happening. What are we supposed to do to help?



Curious...why did it end with the new GF last time? What has changed that would lead you to conclude it will be different this time?

The new GF and I ended a relationship because of a serious issue that she had over many years that I couldn't solve then, so I left. She has solved that problem about 20 months ago, so that is behind us. And no, she doesn't mind that I have issues with the ex GF.

I had a very hard time leaving the ex GF, and really though we would last forever, but became apparent that she had a borderline personality disorder issue that caused some major trust issues, that continued to go down hill over several months despite my efforts to get her help, and she was unwilling to solve it. I do miss some of the good times we had, but the bad times were unbelievably bad, that I can't see how anyone could live with.

Back to the new GF... she never stopped loving me, and made a serious effort to reconnect when I told her that things weren't working out and I'd probably be on my own, and could at least see her. (When with the ex, I agreed to not see the current GF at all, and I adhered to that). We have been taking things day to day, but spend a lot of time with relationship stuff... and what we really want should this continue. And, I'm betting it will. We are both trying hard and I will get over the ex GF.... and what I want here is ideas to get her totally out of my mind.

- - - Updated - - -

You are using one another as emotional band-aids to help one another get over "issues." I will hazard a guess that when either you or she is feeling better about what is currently issuing you, you will no longer need the other and that is when break up No. 2 with this girl will take place.

Hopefully, I'm wrong.

Anyway: If you are not to the stage of indifference to a former lover then it's a good idea to keep yourself out of the dating scene until you are. I would think that everything you are doing with who you are with now, brings you to thinking of who you are no longer with. Any truth to that?

Yes we are bandaids for each other, and it's working. Been there before and it worked.

I totally disagree in not dating after a breakup. Getting involved really helps one get over someone else, even though it may be a rebound situation. However, it's prudent to be honest with the new one.

Will it work? I'm betting on it. We both know what it will take to make it work, and we are heading in the right direction... and not horribly fast, but fairly consistent. We don't agree on everything, and never will, but we have accepted that. We talk everyday on relationship things.... how do you feel?, any issues? what can we do better? what have we done wrong?.... etc. I did not have that with the ex GF.

But, getting back to the original reason for being here, I still would like more ideas on getting the old one totally out of my mind sooner.

[Wakeup]

But, getting back to the original reason for being here, I still would like more ideas on getting the old one totally out of my mind sooner.

Therapy? Time? Working on your personal boundaries so that you stop attracting issued women and if you do, you'll quickly get away from them instead of try to fix them or recycle them?

I wish you luck this go round with your Ex/now current.

Here is something for you to read on the difference between caretaking which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.

[url=http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/]Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving | Expressive Counseling[/url]

[Chock]

Therapy? Time? Working on your personal boundaries so that you stop attracting issued women and if you do, you'll quickly get away from them instead of try to fix them or recycle them?

I wish you luck this go round with your Ex/now current.

Here is something for you to read on the difference between caretaking which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.

[url=http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/]Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving | Expressive Counseling[/url]

Wakeup

Thx for the comments. First of all, ALL women have issues (yes, us men do to). It's a matter of what issues will me major or show stoppers, and what ones are tolerable. The Ex/Now GF has no major issues for now.

The Ex GF did, and that's the reason I left. It was very hard because I tried like crazy to fix things, and was unable.

I'm getting therapy (Counselor), and that's very helpful.

Thx for the Caretaking vs. Caregiving link, interesting, but not applicable to my situation.

[Wakeup]

I suggest you ask your therapist for some mental exercises in how to rehab from your addiction to having someone being in your life and now going through withdrawl symptoms because they are no longer in it.

[PTAC12]

Maybe just accept the fact that you'll always love her? Why is it so bad to love a person even if you're broken up? I'd still do anything for my ex if she asked or needed me to. Accepting the fact that you won't be with her anymore is tough, but get yourself together before you go crazy dating people. Emotional overload!

[Chock]

Maybe just accept the fact that you'll always love her? Why is it so bad to love a person even if you're broken up? I'd still do anything for my ex if she asked or needed me to. Accepting the fact that you won't be with her anymore is tough, but get yourself together before you go crazy dating people. Emotional overload!

PTAC:

Good points, and I don't mind loving the ex, but I don't want to be "in love" with her. For now, I feel that I really need time away from her with NC, which is working. Sure, I'd do many things for her, and thought about it, but need to get her behind me emotionally first. I've accepted the fact that I can't go back to her, although never say never, but I'd say VERY unlikely, as she would have to go thru a MAJOR change to make it attractive, and right now, I'm not interested in leaving the lady I'm currently with, as she is MUCH easier to live with.

And, I'm not going crazy with dating... only one lady. No emotional overload.

Time is healing, but I just want things to go a bit faster. Any ideas?

[Chock]

Maybe just accept the fact that you'll always love her? Why is it so bad to love a person even if you're broken up? I'd still do anything for my ex if she asked or needed me to. Accepting the fact that you won't be with her anymore is tough, but get yourself together before you go crazy dating people. Emotional overload!

Just an update....

I'll probably always have some caring for her, but I can't go back because she was too abusive and had some mental issues that I don't believe I could solve.

So, I just need to get over her.

And, I'm going to meet with my counselor for more advise.

And, as time goes on, it fades... just way too slowly.