Is it unfair of me to ask my gf for a pre-nup?

[ironpony]

I know it sounds bad. I asked a female friend and she said that a man has no right to ask his loving gf for one, so maybe I am being too much about me, and if I am, I will acknowledge that.

My gf and I have been dating for two and a half years now. We almost got engaged but some things have happened lately, which made me cautious and she is acting different. Lately she has been inviting me to a lot of friends and family functions. Lots of birthdays mostly. However, I feel that I do not want to pay for dinner anymore, cause it has been too much money spent, and I would like a break. However, she got mad when I told her this and she now says that she and her family will feel rejected if I do not come to her brother's birthday dinner and pay for her as well.

It's just eating out can get quite expensive, especially with some of the restaurants people are choosing. Do I have the right not to come in order to save money, if I have been doing it too much, or is it my responsibility to come to her friend's and family's dinner invitations and pay for both of us, to be a good boyfriend? She says if I don't go to this one, that her family will possibly get a bad impression of me.

Well I suggested that for our anniversary, I cook her dinner myself. That way we will not have to eat out. She said that she thinks for an anniversary we should go out, for such an occasion. I named some places to go to dance after we have dinner. She said she didn't want to go dancing and wanted to go out to an actual place for dinner, and not just dance later on only.

She says it's okay for me not to want to eat out and spend as money. She is fine for me saving up money she says. But she says once in a while such as this one, you should spend some money to showy you love your gf, such as this type of occasion. She says she is supportive of me wanting to save money, but an anniversary is the wrong time to do it.

She says that my surprise of making her dinner is not romantic. She says that since we would be doing it at her place, since she lives alone, she would have to do most of the work cause she knows where everything is and what not. She also said it's not romantic, cause I am doing it to save money, and not out of romance. She said it's not romantic when your girlfriend is only worth 15 dollars in groceries, compared to her friends, who's boyfriends have no problems taking them out cause they consider them worth it.


Me and my girlfriend went to the movies. I felt like perhaps I have been paying for her too much lately, and feel I need to not spend as much money, and perhaps she could contribute some, with all due respect of course .

So I asked her if we could go dutch this time. She said sure no problem, and bought her own ticket. Later when the movie ended, she said she hated it and was a complete of waist of her money, which she could have used for better things, as she put it.

My best friend, about an hour later, texted us, saying he was going to a late showing of a movie, and wanted to know if we could come. I said I just came from a movie and wasn't felling like another one, but she wanted to go anyway, and asked if she could go with him, if he picked her up. I said I guess so, sure.

She told him though, that she could not afford it, now that she thinks about it, and he offered to pay, so she was fine with going then. I wonder if she was implying that I was cheap, just maybe, or perhaps I am reading it wrong, and it's no big deal. It just seemed strange.

What do you think?

We also talked about marriage a lot lately since we have been dating for a while, and she said that she is worried about not having any money to bring into the marriage and how it is me with all the money, since I am the one buying my own house and things like that. But that makes me think that either she worries too much, or... well, is that a problem really?

What do you think?

[basilandthyme]

I think that a pre-nup has it's place. However, rather than having a prenup in the likely event that your marriage fails over money issues, I think it's far wiser to sort out those money issues before you marry. And if you can't sort them out, don't marry. I mean, let's face it - money issues are one of the biggest things which break marriages.

From this woman's point of view, your girlfriend sounds like she has a very entitled attitude. From your writing, it sounds like she always expects you to pay. Is this correct? I think it's only fair that a graciously woman pays either her half or takes turns paying for the whole date. It's interesting that she appears to only sees romance in your financial contributions.

So a couple of questions:

Why doesn't she have money to contribute to the future marriage? Is she unemployed or does she spend it all? Are you concerned by her personal financial management?

How does she make you feel loved and appreciated?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. She doesn't always expect me to pay but she does a fair amount of the time. Not that is necessarily bad, but I think she makes too big of a deal out of it sometimes, like when I do not want to go to all of her family functions and pay for both of us, in which case I feel that there was too many for a while there.

She doesn't have any money to contribute because her ex bf, and her lived together and had a business four years ago, but when she left him, he got all the money cause the contracts were arranged that way. I am not sure how that works, but he took a lot. She also spends her current money on taking care of her sick father, and because of those two things, she does not have any money to bring into it.

But she makes me feel loved and appreciated, by doing lot of things for me. Little things like making me dinner hear or there, or helping me find a job, doing me favors here and there, things like that. She does a lot non-money wise. It's just some situations with money, such as paying for her, for a fair amount of things, I feel she has too much of a need for perhaps. Unless I am being too hard on her, and not romantic enough?

As for sorting out the money issues, what terms should we come to before marrying, that would be fair do you think, if that makes sense?

[basilandthyme]

Ok, glad it hear it's not dire.

There is this thing called languages of love. There are a few different ways which people give and receive love. They include Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. A person can also be a couple of different things. My love language is Quality Time. Your girlfriend is Receiving Gifts.

I think it would be good for you both to read and understand these love languages. It will help her to see the romance in something like a picnic, cooking dinner, a night in together and so on. And it will probably help you to know where she's coming from too.

It's also worth noting that paying for her because she expects it is NOT ROMANTIC. Well, that's in my view anyway. Perhaps she sees value in making you spend beyond your comfort level?? I don't know.

My idea would be to make a budget of what you can afford to spend on her. Tell her that you've done a budget and after putting aside savings and covering your own wants and needs, you have $X to spend on outings. Let her prioritise how she wants the money spent.

- - - Updated - - -

But back to the pre-nup thing....I always kind of feel that if you feel you need it, then you probably will. I can see that you're trying hard to understand her point of view - don't get married unless that understanding can go both ways.

[Wakeup]

I think this same thread has been started yearly since I've joined this site. Why it keeps getting trolled out is beyond me???

[ironpony]

Trolled out?

[fearoflove]

A prenup doesn't prevent your spouse from using money on a daily basis. It only comes into force when people get divorced. You have to sort out the money issue now.

Is there cultural significance to the whole eating out with the family/friend thing? Some cultures place significance on these kind of things like if you don't follow certain etiquettes, it is considered disrespectful. Maybe this is something she is forced to go as well?

And I agree that during special occasions you should spend a little more than usual. It is a celebration, isn't it? But other times, do more simple things and spend less. If you are really worried. Sit down and write out a plan to set budgets on certain things. Say that you have financial goals to be able to afford a house, etc. Spell out exactly how much you are making, how much should be spent, how much is needed to be saved, etc to reach those goals. I think once the numbers are clear to both of you, there will be less fights.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I have had no problem during special events, spending money. I am doing it for me as well, so I should go out and have fun and enjoy myself. But I felt it was getting to be too much. If her brother and her friend are having birthdays and fancy restaurants both in the same weekend, do I have to buy her a dinner for one day, and then again the next? I will willing to do one for the weekend, but was it cheap of me not to do two?

As for cultural difference, she is Chilean and I am Canadian. I am not sure if her culture has anything to do with it.

Normally I wouldn't be thinking about money but she often brings up scenarios that are going on her life where she doesn't have a lot of money. For example, she wanted a ticket to go to a comic con expo, and I got her one but asked if she could pay me back. No rush though of course. She said she could, but a few weeks later, the money she paid me back with was borrowed from her ex, but she could not get the money herself, because of her bills to pay. I understand that she has bills to pay but instead of telling me, is borrowing money from her ex, kind of strange for that?

She often borrows money from her ex to pay for other things as well, but she says that if I supported her on things in her life, like how other boyfriends who provide for their girlfriends do, she wouldn't have to ask her ex.

She also says that since I am buying a house that I should put half of the house in her name in case something happens to me. Now I can leave the house to her if I die, but do I have to put half in her name now, since I am paying for it with all my money? Or do things like that come with the relationship?

She also hardly ever eats meals. Only a couple of small snacks a day, and when I ask her why she never ate, she says it would be nice if my bf takes me out on our date nights, rather than going out well after dinner time, on dates when dinner was never the plan to begin with.

Does this seem strange at all, or am I making too much of it. The only reason why I have been worried about money though, is because she keeps mentioning these things. If she didn't, I wouldn't be worried. These are just a couple of examples, I can name at least a dozen more over the last few months. Or am I making too much of it?

[woody]

Sounds like a slightly spoiled brat that needs to learn how to pony up and contribute more in every way.

[Saya]

If she's not gong to help you buy the house, you don't need to put her name on the house. Why did you guys stop from getting engage? Did something happened?

[basilandthyme]

I'm wondering who these other men are who support their girlfriends. Do your mates all support their girlfriends? I'd be really surprised if they do.

As for buying the house in your name only, yes, you could leave it to her in your will. But if you divorce, she will also be entitled to half. And (depending on your laws) alimony so that she can keep living in the way you have kept her to date.

Borrowing money from her ex is also not cool. And how will she pay him back anyway?

I think you're looking at a lot of red flags here. Unless you can embrace the idea of supporting her 100% for the rest of your life, I'd suggest you move on

[dontaskme]

Dump the bitch man. She's an entitled Chilean princess wannabe. Don't put the house in her name. Buy the house before you get married and make sure you put members of your family as the beneficiary of your house if anything happens to you.

Borrowing from ex, not cool man. I won't be surprised if she paid him through sexual favors, since the cunt has got no money to begin with. WTF is she doing with her money? If she can't afford to shop, eat out, or do anything, then she shouldn't.

Forget about pre-nup, it's easier to dump the skank!

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. However, I am not going to jump to the conclusion of her giving him sexual favors, especially because she lives in a different city now, and hasn't gone back since. If I put the house in my parents name, how should I bring it up to her?

Should I dump her, or should I talk this out? Cause some people, including some on her, are saying that I am the one being cheap, and I need to change, so I feel I could use more feedback first before making such a hard decision.

To answer one of the poster's question, as to why we are not engaged anymore, we never were engaged. I got her a promise ring, and was close to buying the engagement ring, but became hesitant because of her views on money lately. But she does do a lot of nice things for me in the relationship and is very supportive, such as getting me a new job, for one thing.

She also gets me expensive things once in a while, but I tell her not too, as she does not have much money and it's too much. But she says she does it anyway, because she loves me. Not that I want them, I want her to save up.

[fearoflove]

I think its a difference in culture/perspective rather than a "princess syndrome". But of course, you know her better than us. So, that's your call. In some cultures, people pay for themselves even if they are married and all finance are separated and/or shared half-half. There is a lot of this is yours and this is mine. But in other cultures, when people are in a relationship, more if they are married or engaged to not have that distinction. What is yours and mine is OURS.

The reason why she bought the ex is to make your jealous and to encourage you to do the same.

Not every girl have this perspective. It depends on the type of men she has dated in the past and how she is raised. But this is certainly a common topic that couples argue over. I hear all the time from my female friends complaining of the guy being cheap. It is a common complaint in female circles. If this is a deal breaker to you, you can dump her and find another girl who doesn't have this sort of perspective. But remember, not every couple is completely 100 percent compatible. The chances that there is something that irritate you about the other person is very high. It is about the whole package, not one single quality, right? It's your call if you find that this one thing you don't like about her is a deal breaker or not.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well she does have a lot of good qualities, and yes, it is just this one thing. What if I told her that "I have asked others opinions on the matter, and according to a lot of them, I am doing just fine with you, and I am not going to change". That way, I can see how she feels about it first. Do you think this is a good idea?