Hello ... Again

[jcowap]

Hello everyone

I've used this site a few years back for some advice and I find myself here again. I must suck at relationships right?! Ha!

Long story short ....

Got hurt, stayed single for 2 years.
Found a new girl who I clicked with straight away.
Got that excited amazing feeling you get when you meet someone special.
We went on a first date
Started seeing each other on our 2nd date (we was drunk and I was xmas ever)
4 or so months later I found out on a night out she had kissed a lad all night behind my back when drunk.
I did intend to split with her but I didn't. It's so hard when your in that situation when it's a girl you love.
Later she moved into my house as she was always there anyway.
Come October time (10 months into the relationship) she found out she was pregnant and we kept it.
During her pregnancy we split twice due to stupid crap
After the pregnancy we was on/off again due to stupid crap.
We last gave it a go early this year and it was fab! She moved back in.
Whilst she was moved back in we fell out over stupid crap.
She moved out.
We stayed split up.
This was about 4 months ago.

So here I am, heartbroken. Not just because I've lost a girl I love but because I've lost my family. The thing that gets me though was I was always the one chasing her trying to fix it, never her. She always gave up so so easily. It's like we're worlds apart, I wanted to be together and to be a family so much but to her it didn't matter at all to her. I even proposed to her to at least give me the satisfaction knowing I did all I could do.

If you asked me why the relationship failed, I'd say I wasn't perfect but I'd say it's because she isn't laid back at all. Because she isn't laid back the smallest thing is an issue and when someone is being so unreasonable most people become naturally defensive. So because I'm not a doormat , she would be unreasonably petty, I'd defend myself and we would argue. As an example, when I say she moved back in mine with the baby, it was only because she had a huge argument with her mum because her mum had used a full bottle of fabric softener that the ex had bought. Very unreasonable. Just think of all the stuff she uses of her mums and she kicks off over that. Then she moved back in mine, had 3 petty arguments with me then moved back her mums. A month later she had another petty argument with her mum and now lives at her sisters house.

Anyway here I am. I'm ok most of the time but then I have dark days and I just cry. I may go and seek counselling to try and help me. At least I can say I did all I could do. At least I can say I did experience life as a family all together in our home even if it was only a month.

I'd go no contact but I can't because of our daughter I'm sure I'll feel better in time anyways.

If anyone can offer advice who has come out of a relationship when it's not what they wanted and they have a child or children please speak up.

I bid you farewell and thank you for reading my short story.

[AdminOnline]

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[melancholia]

This sounds like a mess. I would suggest you turn your focus onto improving your own situation, and focus on co-parenting your daughter, rather than focusing on repairing an irreparable relationship. Neither of you sound like you were ready to be in a serious relationship when you got together. She disrespected your relationship by cheating and both of you assumed having a baby would fix whatever problems you had in the relationship before. Surprise! You've come to find that pregnancy doesn't fix anything, in fact, it makes it worse. Now you're single again and you are missing out on your daughter's life while you sit on the computer and post in a relationship forum to complete strangers. You need to be proactive. You need to put your priorities into perspective here. Your priorities should be your health (mental, emotional, physical) and then your daughter's. Focus on what makes you happy (except your ex) and start living your life the way you want to. You keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and where has that gotten you? Nowhere, except the spot you're in now. Be happy and enjoy your life and the time you have with your child. She should be the most important thing in your life at all times, and even though it is hard to walk away from someone you love, you can't keep falling into this pattern time and time again.

[jcowap]

Hi thank you for your reply.

I do focus on my daughter and I'm proud to say I a very good dad. I cry a lot when I drop her off and it kills!

We didn't have a baby to fix the relationship, we had been happy for a while before and it was unplanned. We said no then yes then no then yes and decided it was fate.

It's hard splitting with someone you love. Even harder when you have a child and would give your right arm to be a family again

[melancholia]

Hi thank you for your reply.

I do focus on my daughter and I'm proud to say I a very good dad. I cry a lot when I drop her off and it kills!

Showing emotions when you have to leave your daughter doesn't mean you're a good dad. It means you are capable of showing emotions.

We didn't have a baby to fix the relationship, we had been happy for a while before and it was unplanned. We said no then yes then no then yes and decided it was fate.

There are many different steps both of you could have taken to prevent pregnancy. You decided not to take them. Your girlfriend wound up pregnant before either of you were ready - that's not fate, that's biology. You both chose to ignore other options in favor of keeping the baby (you are perfectly entitled to that choice). However, neither of you were in a stable place in life (or relationship) before getting pregnant, so I don't know why you would expect pregnancy could thrust stability and compatibility into your relationship when it wasn't there before.

It's hard splitting with someone you love. Even harder when you have a child and would give your right arm to be a family again

If all it took to make a family was an arm and a leg, I am sure there would be far less broken homes and children of divorce than there are right now. Splitting with someone you love is hard! Of course it's hard, and when you have a baby together, it makes it a thousand times harder. However, you will continue this cycle over and over again unless you make a change. You should accept the fact that your relationship isn't working right now, and you need to refocus your energy into your relationship with your daughter, and co-parenting with your ex. Maybe you and your ex can work something out later on, when she can make up her mind and stop running around the second an issue comes up in her life. For now, it doesn't seem like this relationship has anything positive going for it, and you are't even together. So again, I suggest you continue to focus on your daughter and working on your own self-improvement before you try and get back together with your ex.

[Wakeup]

She sounds nuts. Forget about ever having a safe and happy union with her. She can't get along with anyone and I suspect it won't be long before her sister kicks her out too.

Do concentrate on being a good Dad and a solid, positive role model to your daughter, it looks like she's going to need you since her mother is such a freak.