I may not ever find love

[Tori_S]

I have a long term struggle that I would like to get some opinions on. I ask that you please be thoughtful, sensitive but honest in your advice or feedback. I'm genuinely looking for help in this area of my life.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 years. I am 38 years old, attractive (people constantly mistake me for being in my late 20's), I'm independent, have a steady career, I'm intelligent, well traveled, funny, a good conversationalist and a good friend.

11 years ago I got out out of a slightly abusive 2 year relationship - we lived together, and talked about marriage but I knew that I wouldn't be happy so I ended it. It was one of the best life choices I've ever made.

I left that relationship feeling empowered that I would date for a short time, fall in love with a wonderful guy, get married, and have children. Instead I've spent the last 11 years dating men for short periods of time (any where from 2 weeks to 3 months at the most) where the relationships barely come close to anything committed. I have no problem attracting men - they often like me and want to date me, but it never materializes into anything substantial.

I've spent much of my 30's watching countless people in my life have relationships, get married, have children. Even the boyfriend who I left 11 years ago has a wife and 3 kids. He was such a horrible boyfriend that I was worried he would have a hard time finding someone, but he found that family life that most of us yearn for. This guy who once got so angry that he took a hammer and violently banged it into our coffee table, creating a huge dent, because he had such a short temper. I once woke up him up in the middle of the night, and was having trouble breathing because of an allergic reaction to medication, only to have him tell me I should drive myself to the hospital. This guy, and it feels like many friends, acquaintances, and family members throughout the years all were able to find serious relationship and marriage. I, for a variety of reasons of which I know and many of which I haven't the slightest idea, have spent 11 years struggling to barely get past the early dating stage.

There are some things that I can point to that may have caused this. I've lived in 3 major cities over the years. Cities do tend to attract people who prioritize career over relationships, so the dating pool is quite a number of people who tend to delay serious relationships. My childhood was a challenge - I had an absent father who struggled with alcoholism. Both of my parents have each been married 3 times, and divorced twice. It baffles me sometimes that my sister who grew up in the same dysfunctional house that I did, still managed to have several serious boyfriends and eventually got married. It's not always our circumstances but how we react to them, and compared to my sister it seems I was more traumatically affected by our childhood.

I eventually got professional help about 3 years ago. I've been to several psychotherapists, life couches, and even a dating couch to see if they could help me sort through my past to eventually find a fulfilling committed relationship. I've made a tremendous amount of progress to overcome my past, my low self esteem and my issues. Today I have better relationships with men then ever. But at the end of the day, I'm still dating, still single.

Over the past few months, I've slowly become less hopeful of ever finding anyone. I'm 38 and have come to terms with the fact that it's unlikely that I'll ever have any biological children. That is ok, because I feel fine with the possibility of adopting in the future.

But worse than that is, I feel I've become so numb and emotionless that I barely even develop strong feelings for men anymore. I may be tired from the dozens of men I've dated, that I don't even bother to fall in love any more. I may be frustrated that even with 3 years of professional help, and huge progress in developing healthier relationships with men, I still can't find a committed relationship - something that seems so effortless for others. It used to feel like a relationship would be just around the corner, now for the first time, I feel like there's no point in holding out for something that probably won't happen. It could just be age and maturity sinking in - I think generally people who are younger are more excited, hopeful, and physiologically equipped with healthier hormones to experience love. But perhaps my hormones, and hope are fizzling out.

I guess I would love anyone's honest and helpful insights. I am slowly realizing that I might not ever find anyone and I want to feel ok with that. I often worry that people secretly judge me for ineptly being single for so long. I would like to not care what other people may think, and somehow try to feel successful, confident and accomplished in life, despite my failures in relationships. Any insights which are thoughtful and considerate would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[solarion]

You spent a bunch of time talking about your past and efforts that you've made to overcome the effects, but you spent very little time describing what happens when you date. 11 years is a long time to spend in relationships that last 2 to 12 weeks and then fizzle. What is happening to these connections? Possible you have abandonment/trust issues as well as self-image related problems?

[dontaskme]

^^^ That and/or a huge chip on your shoulder that you are unwilling to recognize despite all your therapy.

[Tori_S]

Thank you solarion & dontaskme for the replies.

Yes - you are right that there are abandonment & trust issues, and yes 11 years is too long for short term relationships.

Through therapy, I've discovered that what happens when I date is that I am simultaneously excited by the new man in my life but also anxious to become exclusive. Perhaps I start thinking about wanting to be exclusive or I bring it up in conversation - either way the relationship ends abruptly. It may come across as desperate, needy, or just too soon for the guy. Oddly, it's an unconscious recreation of the dynamic I grew up in - having an absent dad.

The advice I've gotten recently is to not "need" a relationship, to not try to have one. Somehow I'm convinced that if I don't try then nothing will happen. It's a paradox. I can't wrap my head around the idea that if I don't do anything, then a relationship will be the outcome.

[dontaskme]

Thank you solarion & dontaskme for the replies.

Through therapy, I've discovered that what happens when I date is that I am simultaneously excited by the new man in my life but also anxious to become exclusive. Perhaps I start thinking about wanting to be exclusive or I bring it up in conversation - either way the relationship ends abruptly. It may come across as desperate, needy, or just too soon for the guy.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be exclusive even early on the relationship, if you are with the right man who wants the same as you do. Have you given a thought of the kinds of men you are dating? Are you rushing to date any man because you are afraid of time running out on you or are you the type who can't be alone? Have you identified other reasons why your relationships failed?

[solarion]

The advice I've gotten recently is to not "need" a relationship, to not try to have one. Somehow I'm convinced that if I don't try then nothing will happen. It's a paradox. I can't wrap my head around the idea that if I don't do anything, then a relationship will be the outcome.

That advice may seem counter-intuitive on its surface, but it is not paradoxical. Not when you appreciate how emotionally healthier people are viewing dating...particularly in this world of seemingly endless insta-relationships at the touch of a tinder button. There are entirely too many options available these days to get oneself committed to someone that is obviously struggling so people are quick on the draw with the "next" button.

It's not that you want to not do anything to find love, but you do want to find peace within yourself first. When you're content with who you are...when you love, appreciate, and respect yourself it becomes fairly obvious and extremely attractive to those that interact with you...this in turn makes them respond accordingly by wanting you around them. IOW you will make them appreciate how THEY feel by being around YOU. Work on yourself. Work on the aspects of yourself outside of dating, but keep your heart open and good things will come your way.

PS. I too dealt with abandonment issues(dad), and though I know from experience that it is not easily overcome...it was eventually overcome by recognizing and appreciating that his behavior had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own failings(as well as mom's limitations) and by extension his parent's failures before him. Get to the root of the problem regardless of how painful it may be. It will not go away until you face it.

[Tori_S]

Have you given a thought of the kinds of men you are dating? Are you rushing to date any man because you are afraid of time running out on you or are you the type who can't be alone? Have you identified other reasons why your relationships failed?

The first few years of dating after breaking up with my ex, I wasn't being too choosy about who I dated. Within the last 3-4 years, I became more aware of choosing better guys to date and it has made a difference.

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of being alone - I'm oddly quite used to it. I probably am feeling that sense of "time is running out" as age 40 is just around the corner.

Other reasons for why relationships ended - the guy doesn't want kids, the guy generally wants a relationship but just not right now, the guy got back together with an ex girlfriend, I also live in NY - one of the hardest placed to date. Because it's a city of 8.5 million people, it's easy to write someone off prematurely because there are so many people available that the grass seems greener on the other side. That could be an excuse, as there are people who do meet, date, and get married here. It's probably best to have a positive outlook though.

- - - Updated - - -

Good advice! Thanks solarion.

[TheEvilJester]

I understand how you feel so very much. I'm only 32, but I've lived basically my whole life being cripplingly shy, but spent most of my early life not realizing it. I would say it probably wasn't until late high school, maybe early college, when I finally realized I actually had a problem and needed to deal with it. It wasn't too long after that, though, that I finally had a relationship. That relationship lasted nearly a decade before I realized how bad it was for me.

As result, I unfortunately found myself in my early 30's still never really having learned how to talk to women/date. I still find myself wanting desperately to have that special connection with somebody, but 100% unaware of how to even go about giving myself the chance to find it.

I will say this....

solarion really hit the nail on the head, as did your therapist who told you this. Trust me, I know from experience how it sounds like utter bullcrap, but it IS true at least to a large degree. The first thing you need to do is to be able to be happy with you. Trust me, with my hopeless romantic way of life I understand how daunting that can seem. It's like the saying "Nobody will ever love you if you can't love yourself..." Well, they might as well just be saying "Nobody will ever love you." That is the way it feels. It's like a vicious cycle. Because you feel like nobody will ever love you, you get depressed and don't love yourself..... but because you don't love yourself it makes it hard for anybody else to love you, thereby making it feel impossible to find a relationship..... so because you can't find a relationship, you get depressed and don't love yourself.

As hard as I know from experience it is, loving yourself truly is the first step. I've never, in the past, thought very highly of myself. That's changed recently. Part of that HAS been in finding love in other situations. Family, friends, etc. When you see yourself through the eyes of so many people who seem to think you are a great person, it becomes harder to listen to the demons in your head telling you that you are not.

I wish I could offer more advice, but I'm sort of stuck in a similar situation right now. I hope to dig myself out of it someday, but it seems so daunting. I can understand the feeling of wishing you could instead just shut yourself off. Sometimes, to this day, I still wish I could just turn off and stop caring. It seems inevitable I will live the rest of my life alone, so if I could just stop caring it would be so much easier to accept.

God, I so know how you feel. Like it all just seems so automatic and effortless to the whole rest of the world, yet impossible to folks like us. Again, I wish I could offer more advice, but I too am stuck in a similar situation. The big difference being, at least you've actually been able to get dates. I've not even been that lucky. Hell, maybe you and I can be cosmic partners in fighting this good fight. Maybe we can get out there, better ourselves, kick the world's butt and finally find those dream partners we deserve....

I think the first trick is realizing that we DO deserve them.....

(Thankfully, I think I've finally got that one down myself.)

I think the second trick is still wanting a relationship, but being okay in the interim while not having one. (In other words, WANTING a relationship but not NEEDING a relationship.) If you figure out the magical trick for that one, please let me know. ;-)

[Date2Relate]

Relationships can be wonderful. They can also be very draining. If you're serious about finding someone and feel it's truly important, then maybe it's time to get some assistance in that area. Millions of people do this every year. Not being in a relationship, by the way, doesn't make you a failure, in any way. Being happy in yourself and with yourself is really the first step toward finding lasting relationship and maybe that's the most important area you can work on right now. Stop worrying about other people (even that one other person). Focus on yourself and being happy. There's genuine pleasure in it and other people will be attracted to this quality.

[fearoflove]

Life is unfair. You see people who doesn't make good partners attracting more relationships than people who are balanced, professional, decently attractive who doesn't seem to be able to get a relationship. Just as you see people who isn't that smart/competent getting jobs and then you see people who are smart, well educated just doesn't seem to be able to find a decent job. And then there are people who wants children, would make great mothers who find out that they can't have children. The reality is, people don't always get what they deserve. It is just the way it is. Luck, chance does play a part. Maybe you are not meant to find a partner or maybe you will find someone later in life. Not getting married, not having a long term partner is not the end of the world. I know a lady who is beautiful, creative, smart, successful who is in her 40s and is single. She spends her time on creative projects; she doesn't agonize over the fact that she doesn't have a partner. It is better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.

[TheEvilJester]

Fearoflove,

Everything you say is 100% spot on. Completely correct. The thing is, it is very easy to say that when you are either in a relationship, or not in a relationship but don't mind so much not being in one.

I can't speak for sure for Tori, but it definitely sounds like she is a lot like me in this aspect....

The thing is, intellectually, I KNOW all of that. I tell myself that all the time.

Problem is, I can't seem to change the fact that it almost feels like it is just built into my very soul (if I still have one of those, anyway) that true love is something I want so badly. Trust me, I HATE it with every fiber of my being. It goes against everything about me. I'm a beast. A monster. I'm a survivor. I'm thoroughly convinced that if there were a nuclear explosion destroying the whole world, we'd be left with cockroaches, Twinkies, and me. LOL!

And yet, I cannot shut off this one weakness inside me. No matter how much I wish I could shut up that one little voice (actually, more like a loud, gigantic, screaming voice) I can never seem to stop longing to find my true soulmate. Can't stop being such a romantic no matter how much I wish I could just flip a switch and turn it off. The hope just never dies in me no matter how torturous that hope may be. I feel thoroughly convinced that I'll live the rest of my days alone, yet my heart and soul don't seem to get that message.

Anyways, blah blah blah.... LOL!

My point being, I can't speak for Tori, but I KNOW that everything you say is true. I try to tell myself the very same thing all the time. I realize that having a relationship is not the end-all, be-all of life. It doesn't make it any easier for me to accept not having somebody, and worse not really even knowing how to go about finding somebody. God forgot those tools in my toolbox, and I'm TRYING to learn how to find them. Some days, though, it just feels like it would be so much easier if I could stop caring instead.

I will say this, though,

If you CAN achieve that level of peace of mind.... To WANT a relationship, but not NEED a relationship, then that definitely is worth achieving. Ultimately, the perfect situation would be to want a relationship, but not need a relationship.... and yet have a great one anyway.

Like I said, if anybody ever figures out the magic spell for that one, please let me know. ;-)