Hello all!
I don't know if any of you remember me. I used to be here a lot, moreso, giving advice than asking for it, lol. My life has changed in the 4 years I have been gone, and I have been enjoying going out and just DATING. Which is something I hadn't actually done until this point.
This isn't going to be a *true* heartbreak thread. I'm not necessarily looking for advice. Though I did feel quite saddened about it, and I even cried, which is ridiculously strange for me, today I feel cleansed. And having an avenue to sort my thoughts and get what I'm feeling down would probably help me get some clarity on what steps I should take next. If you have any advice or pointers though, please feel free to share them! :-)
Like I have mentioned above, I have taken some time to date for the past two years. I have experienced some good guys, that after awhile faded away in to obscurity, and I have met a TON of bad guys. (Like, horror story bad dates. Just, unbelievably awful.)
About 5 months ago, I met a guy from a dating site. I was immediately attracted to his sense of humor and how normal he was. A day before he met me, he had just broken up with a girlfriend. He got with HER a MONTH after his wife left him for another woman. But he never seemed bitter or upset about it. And I LOVED that about him. We initially had the conversation about what is to be expected. I told him with school, work, and my responsibilities, I am only capable of being friends. He then explained that he was up for anything, but friends was more ideal because he was going to be starting grad school and with his improv troupe rehearsals, and his millions of friends (it seemed like) he really wouldn't have the time either.
Cool.
Shook hands. That was that.
We met up, and had a gloooorious date that we didn't want to end. And it was like that each time we went out. Just a beautiful time of laughter and fun and just loving being together for the day. We saw each other so infrequently, once a month, that it was like a treat.
So of course.....feelings started to come in to play.
It started with him first.
He kept saying, "You know, I like you. I *like you.*"
Then it progressed to, "If you were my girl, I would treat you like a queen."
Then, "I don't like how you trivialize us by saying we're 'Just *friends*.' We're lovers."
I didn't notice that I was falling in love with him until last month. We went to the movies. And the entire time we were just holding hands, kissing, telling each other we've missed one another.
But I did something really stupid about a weekend back.
We would tell each other about the prospects we've met on the website we met on. We weren't *together* so it was always easy breezy, but there was a silent understanding that if we could, we would pick each other at the end of the day. He would go on dates for instance, and then immediately call me after, give me details on what happened, and then end it with, "But I prefer you."
So I told him about this guy named Peter I had met on there. Nice guy, new to the city. We went out on one date. By the time of the incident, me and Peter are super platonic (what me and the first guy SHOULD have been from the beginning)
The first guy, lets call him Brandon, asked if I could see him perform with his troupe that Saturday night. He really just wanted to see me.
Now, I don't have a car. And Brandon lives across town. I was so desperate to see Brandon, that I manipulated Peter in to coming with me to the show.
How incredibly ****ed up is that?
I felt horrible the entire time. I felt so awkward. Though, Brandon and Peter got along well, and Peter had a GREAT time, and didn't see anything shady happening. But the entire time I was sitting there, I just wanted to go in to the bathroom and die.
The guilt was eating me. I felt so ashamed of myself (I still feel ashamed)
I was afraid that Brandon would get the wrong idea. Like me and Pierre were together, or that I was trying to make him jealous, or whatever else. We talked, and he assured me that he wasn't feeling that way.
I then went on another date later that week, with a guy I have been seeing casually. He's kissing me, and my body is TOTALLY freezing up. My lips are tight. My hands are in my lap. I'm not giving him an inch. And so, like you do when someone is attempting to kiss you most passionately, I began to have a chat with myself. Why am I so frozen, why am I reacting this way. Would it be any different if Brandon was the one kissing you, and not this guy?
And the answer was yes.
So I made up an excuse, I got out of that car, and resolved to tell Brandon about how I felt that Saturday, at a time where I knew he would be available.
Saturday comes....I'm sitting in my room, minding my business, not thinking about him. And suddenly, like a door being slammed in my face, I FELT like he was on a date. Which again, no big deal. So I texted him, sure enough, he had one right after his show, he said he'll text me about how it went afterwards. But he seemed a little odd.
I stayed up till 2 a.m. He never called or texted.
He then texted me around 11 A.M. to tell me that his date had just ended. He had a sleepover, he gave me details. Again, didn't really care. But that was until he said:
"Lora, I *really* like this girl."
:-|
My stomach quickly dropped to the floor, and I ended the conversation with a lame ass excuse that sounded WAY too happy.
I couldn't believe it.
I always felt like his own type of Jessica Rabbit would just waltz by him and he would be gone, because well.....I always felt like he was too cool for me. He was everything I had ever wanted. Funny, Smart, a College graduate. Similar tastes in music, silly, dorky, loved video games. Attractive, sensual, warm, giving, sensitive. Artsy, ambitious, VERY adventurous. Amazing in bed, wonderful kisser.
He even had a dark side to him that kinda scared me sometimes, but also made me more curious about him, because it was SUCH a different side to this super positive personality. He was everything I ever wanted. He was my 100% guy.
And now, he has a met girl who goes to his shows regularly, lives in his neighborhood, is in to the things HE'S mostly surrounded with. And he likes her more than me.
I have been knocked off the pedestal.
So I decided that I wasn't gonna see him anymore. It would be too painful.
So I texted him, baiting him to call me because I had such an amaaazing story to tell him.
We got on the phone, we're laughing, we're excited, the conversation is very lively, because that's how it always is. And then all of a sudden, I say, "I don't think we should see each other again."
He paused for what felt like, 10 minutes.
Then he started to stutter, he was very flustered, he sounded really confused. I explained to him why, what had happened. I asked him if he had anything to say, and he really didn't have any words to offer. But he did say this: "I was wondering how it was going to effect me and you, because I like her so much."
Cool.
I wished him luck, told him I never wanted to see him for the rest of my life, and got off the phone. It was really easy. No bitterness, no hatred, we even laughed for a minute.
Total phone call time: 13 minutes.
I then fell in to my bed and sobbed.
Why, you ask?
Because it feels like I am a place holder, or a toy to what is my, 100% guy.
There is something about me that tells men that you can use me, force me, rape me, make me uncomfortable for your pleasure, because, nothing will ever happen to you. Its all gravy. That's what she's for.
Brandon knew about my past and was DEAD SET on making sure that everything happened, on MY time. He made me feel special. He respected me. He HONORED me. And that's what really had me heartbroken about.
He honored me. He made me feel like I deserved it and that it was readily given without hesitation.
He would come to me, take a bow and kiss my hand and say, "Milady."
As corny as that may be, it sounded so genuine.
And I will never have that again.
I have met some nice guys. Guys that I get along with, they are mostly good on paper, and I have a nice time with. But there's something always off, I'm not attracted to him, or he's TOO nice, or he drinks too much, or he's too PDA or he's horrible in bed, or talking to him is incredibly dry and boring. 60, 70, 80 percent kind of guys. Guys I end up leaving alone, because I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Most of my exes were 70% guys.
I feel like I am destined to live my life with a man whose "nice enough."
But I'm not attracted to him.
I space out when he talks.
Or I just can't stand to sleep with him, but force myself to, because 'what else is there'?
It seems like a guy that I tend to be more attracted to either leaves me to be with someone else, or he's decided that he has enough fun and he's done. A place holder. Fun for a taste, not for a swallow.
I just feel like my worth is questioned. That I need to examine myself. And I like I also should go on 20 dates in one weekend, which I'm NOT going to do.
Things learned:
I should immediately tell the guy if I like him. No holding back.
NEVER take another man out to see ANOTHER MAN.
I really do want a relationship. And this 'ha ha, I don't want a relationship, everything is just whatever' is juvenile and I should be honest with my feelings and not just pretend like I don't want that, because of what I perceive is what 'men want.' Or that 'I don't want to confuse him.'
If I'm not feeling a guy, then I just ain't feeling him, and that's totally OK.
That's was my weekend.
Anything else you think I should work on?