Am I Being Used or Being Too Harsh?

[amy1209]

My boyfriend of 5 months who lives with me just recently quit his job of 2 years. He was an apprentice plasterer and hated it, I supported his decision to quit because he was miserable and his boss was quite horrible. I said I would support him in finding something else. That was almost 2 weeks ago and he has since done barely anything to find new work.

I redid his CV and cover note, which he provided little help with, and his dad handed in his CV at his work. My boyfriend was really banking on getting a job with his dad as there was an opening but it's been over a week and he hasn't heard anything. He also didn't bother to apply for anything else saying he was confident he wouldn't need to. Now I am the one paying rent ($250 a week) on my own and a $500 gas bill due this week as well.

I am getting more and more stressed about carrying us both financially and I am starting to resent his seemingly lack of motivation to find work. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says he is doing what he can, but there is minimal he is qualified for. Although when I see something in the paper he could do he says he doesn't want to do it.

Am I getting a little carried away? It has only been a couple of weeks and I am impatient by nature. Or are these warning signs that this is what I'm in for? I am now getting grumpy with him about things I wouldn't usually worry about and we bicker everyday. He doesn't seem to care/understand and I am starting to think that unless he gets a job or I tell him to move back in with his parents until he can afford to live with me that our relationship will end. I just feel like I'm being taken for granted and he doesn't seem to comprehend that his action and inactions have an affect on me too, he gets very grumpy with me when I ask if he's going to apply for any jobs. Advise or insight would be much appreciated, I'm at a loss and it makes me so upset and stressed.

[basilandthyme]

No you're not getting carried away. I bet he could get a job at a supermarket or fast food joint tomorrow if he wanted to. And not wanting a particular job is not s good enough reason for not pulling his weight.

Then there are his lack of qualifications. If he doesn't like plastering, then he'd better get himself into a temporary job until next years intake of TAFE when he can fine a different apprenticeship for himself.

I hate to say it, but it's time for an ultimatum: let me see you working hard to get s job - any job - or go back home and I will find a flat mate who is willing to work in whatever job it takes to pay their way.

[Wakeup]

I think once he's sees whether or not he got the job at his father's work, he'll get more motivated. I'd wait to start panicking or continuing to nag him until and if after that job is filled, and they didn't pick him to fill it and he continues to be unmotivated to earn his keep. It's only been two weeks.

BTW: Why would your gas bill be $500.00? Are you in arrears? If you're not, I'd be calling the gas company to ask them to explain why you owe such a high amount.

[TheEvilJester]

Are you being unreasonable/getting carried away? I would say that I do not think so. I agree very much with basil, with just one thing on which I feel a little bit differently...

I think your feelings are perhaps just a tad bit premature. It's only been two weeks. Now, me personally, if and when I am ever out of work, I start RIGHT AWAY on my search for a new job. I can't stand to be out of work. Not everybody is like that, though. Sometimes you just need a small breather, especially if your previous job experience was particularly stressful.

If it had been months and he was still unmotivated, then I'd say you start to worry and start to try to push him. It has only been two weeks. Give him some time and maybe he will become more motivated.

You mentioned that he thinks he may have a job at his father's place. I agree with you that he shouldn't put all his eggs in one basket, but maybe he is unmotivated right now because he just thinks he will land that job and it won't matter. So, sometime soon either he will wind up with that job (and it will no longer matter) or he'll find out he isn't getting it. If he doesn't get it, hopefully that will motivate him to start moving his butt to find something else.

Am I trying to say you are wrong for the way you are feeling? HEEEEELL no. How you are feeling is understandable. I'm just saying, cut him some reasonable slack for a bit..... FOR A BIT. I'm not saying you let him be a slacker for the next three years and not have a problem with it. I'm just saying, it's only been two weeks. Maybe he just needs time to motivate himself.

I also agree with basil that he should be willing to take a lesser paying job temporarily to help pay the bills if his job search begins to take a while. I don't think I'd agree that he should already be doing that now. Searching for a job can be almost a full time job in and of itself, so initially it may actually be better NOT to have any other day time commitments like another job. If it takes a while, though, he should be willing to take something, even if just something like being a cashier at the local grocery store, just temporarily until he can find his way into a career.

So, I think you are right to feel the way you do, I just think you should give him a little time before you rush to that conclusion. Good luck to you. I hope he can motivate himself to get moving and find something. He owes that to himself as much as he owes it to you.

EDIT

I also forget to mention, you should really never have to feel like you are needing to force him to pull his own weight in the relationship. If it gets to the point where he is not pulling his own weight and seems perfectly content to live that way, no matter of goading and pushing on your part will change that. Even though you are very right to feel the way you do, he'd just wind up resenting you for it. You mean best for him (and, of course, for yourself as well) but he won't see that. It would be a situation where he makes you out to be the bad guy when what you are asking is really just fair and reasonable and he is the one pushing you to feel like you have to push him. In that kind of situation, it would just be better to move on. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I also hope you do what is best for you if it does.

Also, on a side note, sometimes finding a job can take a while. If, at some point, you see that he IS putting in legit effort and is still not having any luck, that is also a time to cut him some slack.

[Date2Relate]

It sounds like you have a bit of a problem on your hands. Give him a chance, but set a limit on how much time you're going to give him. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. It's possible he's depressed, but you're not the milk cow. He has to contribute and he's not. Stand up for yourself.

[basilandthyme]

BTW: Why would your gas bill be $500.00? Are you in arrears? If you're not, I'd be calling the gas company to ask them to explain why you owe such a high amount.

Utilities can be expensive here. We're just coming out of winter, and if she uses gas heating, this bill would be reasonable. It's not unusual for my electricity to be $800 per quarter.

[Wakeup]

Utilities can be expensive here. We're just coming out of winter, and if she uses gas heating, this bill would be reasonable. It's not unusual for my electricity to be $800 per quarter.

Do you not get billed monthly?

[Lilly328]

Yup some gas bills can be pricey. Our gas bill during the cold season sometimes goes over $800 also where I live. We pay montly.

[Wakeup]

.. and you pay $800.00 a month?

[basilandthyme]

Do you not get billed monthly?

Nope. Only per quarter

[Lilly328]

Not $800 per month wakeup, i'd die. The montly bill depends on the amount we use. The bills we got ranges from $600-800+

[TheEvilJester]

Also depends on whether she is in an apartment or a house. A house is much bigger, so the electricity can get pretty high. $800 per month would be pretty crazy, but per quarter definitely doesn't sound too far fetched if we are talking about a house.