Will this fear ever end ?

[Nik223]

Guys, My family forcefully married me to a girl of their choice around eight months back, while I intended to marry someone of my choice at that time. We had lot of dramas/quarrels in our home before marriage especially between me and my parents, but again emotional tourchers and nearly death seeing situation in our home environment forced me to take step of marriage, again I take whole responsibility here for being blemish for everything.

Few days before marriage, I took my to be wife out and told her that there are lot of problems in our family for my marriage and I am not interested in marrying right now but she didn't pay attention and said marriage has to take place because all preparations are done.

After marriage, my wife came to know the reality that I was never interested in marrying her and wanted to marry someone else. She had very good relation with my family before marriage but all of sudden she stopped talking to everyone in my family and went to her hometown and now and then keeps complaining about my parents.

My marriage was more or less death of my dream, emotions and happiness, my wife doesn't know and doesn't even want to understand the painful days I had gone through during marriage, She said that I can share any thing to her after marriage, she would understand me and keep it secret, but whenever I cried in front of her or tried to say anything about how this marriage happened and what my family did to me, she showed her real aggression and shared everything with both families.

Earlier I tried many times to be open to her that she would understand my pain, I sometimes tried to express that I would not be able to keep her happy or love her the way she expects, but she becomes angry prone as I tried to share my feelings with her anytime. She has almost found all my weak points and nice and peaceful girl all of sudden has changed to aggressive person.

The problem is that, ever since my wife came to know about my past relationship and my love life, she has become more aggressive and dominating prone in each aspect of our relationship. if she feels I am not paying attention to her or her expectations are not meeting, she threatens me in regards to my past relationship matter.

Since marriage it has been all downfall in my career, status and all aspects for whatever reason. I thoroughly understand my wife needs love and I am not denying that, but she just seeing her prospect only, she doesn't want to see how much pain I have been suffering before and after marriage, some relationships improve with time as we need to give time in some relations looking at condition of opposite sex but for her since I am her husband and I must love her irrespective of how much pain I carried in this marriage or how much did I suffer post marriage in career, wealth etc.

I am Indian but currently live and work in Australia, My wife neither wants to leave me peacefully nor wants to adjust with nature, situation and time. and Now I am fully understood that I need to be submissive to her and do the way she feels good but my heart is never agreeing for that in fact it cries from inside. I respect my wife, but at the same time I strongly believe that love and feelings can't be win by force or pressure, they come naturally with time, sometimes early sometimes later.

I strongly feel that, My parents dominated my life till 30s and now my wife has taken their place post marriage for rest of my life.

Me and my parents have completely understood that, my wife doesn't want my family or parents anymore who eventually brought her in my life by killing my emotions. All she has to deal with is just me.

Again, I repeat as I am the one who is responsible for everything - not anyone else. This Surrendering nature of me in any situation has been killing me internally ever since I understood true meaning of relationships. In case even If i am wrong at some place, I don't have any ability to fight or stand against that.

Everyday I get fear that my wife may put me in big trouble in terms of reputation and image including my parents, my parents are already old and they will find it so hard to deal with those situations, so that anxious fear drives to keep my wife happy and make her feel i love her and need her, but I can't tell her this is neither from my soul nor from heart. As long as she is okay, that helps me to keep that fear under control.

Now I cry everyday during work after work, which gives me some relief to bring my emotions out once a day, the script was pre-written well before. this was my destiny in this life.

If you have thoughts, Kindly share.

[basilandthyme]

I'm writing a reply so that you know you're not being ignored. However, as your culture is so different to my own, my regular advice of "go get a divorce" probably wouldn't work for you.

Not sure what kind of advice you want

[Wakeup]

I'm not being unsympathetic to your situation but I have to ask this ONCE AGAIN to people who are forced to marry who their parents choose for them: Why oh why did you take up with someone when you knew that you would have to leave her to marry someone picked for you?

You must now try to do the best you can to form a good life with your arranged bride. You cant expect her to understand anything about your pain because her fate was arranged for her as well and she has been brought up to expect you to be the head of the household and the strong and positive role model to any children you may have with her.

If you need to see a therapist without telling any of your family or your wife (if they would be ashamed of you for doing so) in order to help you with your despair then do that because there is no point in you living in such sadness. Instead you would do well to make the best of your situation and live with more content.

I wish you well.

[SuperHappyTime1]

Why oh why did you take up with someone when you knew that you would have to leave her to marry someone picked for you?

I assume he has a moral obligation to honor his family. Which of course leads to ask if your family is doing what is best for you. Today the circumstances in which an arranged marriage between two families is a necessity is, in the western world, entirely unnecessary. Hell, the English Prince William even married some peasant dunce instead of trying to strengthen the crown (no offense to Kate Middleton, who from what I can tell is an absolutely lovely woman).

I get that you had a previous Missus in mind, but consider these things:
Does your wife have zero positive attributes? You did say that she was nice and peaceful at one time.
Your wife was nice and peaceful, is it possible your attitude toward her might be the reason for her change?
If you really loved the other girl, why didn't you tell your parents to buzz off and married her regardless?

So if it was me I'd start with:
-Trying to make things right with your wife. When I look at it from her situation, she's had to marry a guy on the same premise that "Marrying him would be the best thing for her." As it turns out, he wants nothing to do with her. So I don't blame her for trying to shorten the leash on you.
-Distancing yourself from your parents. Honestly, it doesn't sound like they give a shit about your opinion.
-Stop trying to not offend anyone. They aren't listening to what is offending you, so stop giving them the same treatment.