I don't want to fight anymore

[lovernotfighter]

Well, apparently I just lost the entire thing..... Took me an hour to finally figure out how to express some of what I have been feeling, and I just lost the entire thing! So frustrated right now.

I don't want to just write some stupid bullshit about "my boyfriend and I are having problems, blah, blah, blah..." We are, but I can't sit here and re-write all of the things that are in my head. I have been going over and over them for months, and now finally had them "out on paper" so to speak, tried to post, and lost it all because I wasn't logged in, even though I clearly am according to the top of this damn page!

I just need someone to talk to right now.... I'm losing my spark, and I need to know what I can do to find it again. I know he sees it fading too, but he doesn't realize that his controlling behaviour is part of what's causing it.... so am I destined to just sit here and watch it flicker away, for fear of losing a relationship that I know could be amazing? What am I doing?

I just want him to accept me for who I am - not who I was, or who he wants me to be. Ugh, even as I write this I can see exactly what's going on. I should be smarter than this, right? "If he can't accept you for who you are then he's not the one...." Well, shit, what now then.

Sorry for the confusing "introduction," but that's about the speed I'm at these days. Confusion, at best.

[AdminOnline]

Hello lovernotfighter, welcome aboard. Enjoy your visits.

[basilandthyme]

Argh - hate when a post gets trashed!

You seem to have figured out that you shouldn't be with him. So, the question which remains is "what's stopping you from leaving?"
And 'potential' means nothing - you must make your decision based on a combination of the past and the here & now.

[lovernotfighter]

That is a good question, indeed.
I've never had a problem before with leaving relationships that no longer served myself, or the other person... not to say there was never heartache involved in leaving, but just that I recognized it was time to move on, and worked through the processes of allowing that to happen.
So what's different about this one?
I guess that's what I'm trying to find clarity about. I have truly never felt so connected to someone in so many ways before. There's always been that stillness of just "being" with each other. But the more time goes on, the more I find he tries to analyze it instead of just being able to "be" with me anymore.
Perhaps he's getting bored? Or maybe he thinks that I am? Or maybe I'm the one that's over-analyzing?

In my post that didn't post, I had gone into some details about the things that have been really bothering me lately. It all comes down to jealousy. He often brings up my past - shames me for choices I made before I met him, puts ultimatums on friendships I (used to) have, etc. There seems to always be a competition going on in his head. Either he's not good enough, or I'm not good enough, or so-and-so isn't good enough. The problem is, I know he's smarter than that! There are times when we can sit and talk about things in a completely rational and adult way, but other times he just flies off the handle for things that I thought were no longer issues.

I don't know... I understand what you're saying about 'potential', but at this point it seems to have the potential to go either way! Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's terrible. I just wish I knew how to say things that were on my mind without worrying that it would start a fight.

Sigh. Again, as I write, all the red flags seem to be so much easier to see. Everything just hurts right now. And I know he's hurting too. That's the worst part.