Boyfriend has asperger son

[lilydaisy]

Hello, I am new here. I have been dating a lovely man for 3 months but he has an aspergers son. His son does not want me to interact with him and as a result I only get to see my boyfriend once a fortnight. His ex is also refusing to babysit as often as in the beginning. The son says he wants things how they used to be (mum and dad together) and will only 'allow' me to visit if his mum comes too. I am feeling quite left out and don't know whether to end it or stay the course.

[basilandthyme]

That's tough. I'm also a carer for my ASD son, so I have some idea of what's going on. If I were in your partner's shoes, I'd take my son to a child psychologist (who specialises in ASD) to help my son work through it. Thing is, as much as his son is struggling with his dad's new life, his dad shouldn't let his son limit who he sees or dates. If his son won't see you, there should also be the option of having someone else care for him while you and your new fellow go on dates.

I think this can be worked around if your partner is willing to work with his son. However, if he's not willing to put in place strategies to make this work, then I think you'd be wise to walk away.

[lilydaisy]

Thank you basilandthyme. My boyfriend keeps asking me to be patient and let him work it through. I suggested what you suggested about a month ago. I mentioned it again on the weekend and he kind of mentioned that he should probably do something about it. I don't want to come across as pushy but I'm not feeling very secure about all of this. On top of his son being difficult the only other person who can babysit is his ex who doesn't like the idea of her ex husband dating someone else. He said that she is being really difficult (that's why the dates are becoming further apart)

[basilandthyme]

Yeah, I was continuing to think about your predicament after I did the post. You've just answered my question as to why the mum is the babysitter. I think that relying on his ex so that you can date is beyond weird!

My other question is about shared custody. Do they share or is your partner the sole custodian? If he's sole custodian, what's going on there? If he has shared custody, why can't he see you frequently during his off week?

I've got a feeling that even if you can get past this short term, your partner will always be jumping through hoops set by the son and leaving you far and away second place Don't get me wrong, the kids need to come first - but not to this degree.

I do feel for your guy - dating with a special needs kid is really tough. But unless he gets some professional help with transitioning his son and respite while he goes out, he may as well stop trying to date.

How old is the son?

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Oh, and you don't need to be pushy. "Pushy" is telling him what to do and in what timeframe (I don't think you're doing this). You're better off just deciding whether or not the current situation works for you and walking away if it doesn't.

[lilydaisy]

The son turns 10 in December. Boyfriend and ex have been apart for 3 years. The son invites his mother to everything (dad's birthday, father's day etc).

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Also there is no definitive agreement. Mum lives elsewhere and the son doesn't like going to her place. Mum comes over every morning and takes son to school.

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Also boyfriend doesn't ever contact me on nights or weekends as he is afraid that the son might find out and get upset

[basilandthyme]

Also boyfriend doesn't ever contact me on nights or weekends as he is afraid that the son might find out and get upset

Alarm bells don't ring any louder than this!

[lilydaisy]

Thanks again for your post. My gut feeling is that you are right! It's just so damn heartbreaking!

[Wakeup]

I have been dating a lovely man for 3 months but he has an aspergers son.

Why do you think you have a right to be in his son's life when you've only been in the father's life for three months of every two week dates? The father doesn't even know you yet and it would be akin to emotional abuse for him to bring you into his son's life at this point. You guys don't even know if you're in love after the minimal amount of time you've been together. I would say the same thing if the son didn't have the challenges he does. Its even more important that you two make sure your union is going to last with this boy.

That ^^^ and the fact that it sounds pretty much like your 3 month bf is still quite married. O.o Where did you meet this douche?

[lilydaisy]

We know each other from work, and I knew him before we starting dating. We didn't always have fortnightly dates. His ex (who is the only person who can babysit) is not as obliging as she used to be (maybe she still has feelings for him and is jealous even after being divorced for 3 years). I think professional help is needed for everyone concerned. Boyfriend and ex try to show unity with their son to ease his distress. That means that they do a lot of outings together - the son insists that mum goes to everything including dad's birthday, father's day etc.

[Wakeup]

We know each other from work, and I knew him before we starting dating. We didn't always have fortnightly dates. His ex (who is the only person who can babysit) is not as obliging as she used to be (maybe she still has feelings for him and is jealous even after being divorced for 3 years). I think professional help is needed for everyone concerned. Boyfriend and ex try to show unity with their son to ease his distress. That means that they do a lot of outings together - the son insists that mum goes to everything including dad's birthday, father's day etc.

You knowing him as a work colleague and "knowing him before you started dating" means nothing in regards to what I am saying in my post. You don't know him enough to be included in his son's life. For all you know, you will be history very soon (if you're smart) so what good is it you being included in on what he is doing with his son? Certainly you can see why it's not a good idea for a new partner who has only been romantically involved for three months and a serious connection or commitment to one another has NOT been established. New women coming in and out of his life would be emotionally abusive behaviour towards him.

I agree if your bf and his wife are actually separated/divorced, its not yet truly established that they are, that they should be getting the boy help on transitioning and accepting the divorce if not for you then certainly for the next woman that this man involves in his unfinished marital relationship.

You'd do well to back off and tell him that if he ever gets his shit together to give you a call then and if you're still single you'll have a coffee with him to see just how much he's stored away all that family business with his WIFE.

Do yourself the kindness of getting away from all that baggage before you are shredded over it all.