"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[learning1]

I'd been dating a guy for a month. we could talk for hours, started off as fun witty banter but later learned we aligned on important issues (values, career) too. Had sex after 3rd date and it was awesome, it was clear from his reactions that I completely blew his mind and the chemistry Was there. I let him set the pace and this past week he wanted to hang out multiple times, even came to visit me at work where he got nothing out of it (sex), just sitting and talking with me for an hour and holding my hand. So last night we go out to dinner and have a greAt time as usual . We get back to his place and he says "we need to talk about us." I say "sure what about?" He goes "I don't think this is working out, I think we are both looking for the same thing but, the connection just isn't there. And I really like you and want it to work out but I've only been in long term relationships before, and I don't know, I was just looking for that same deep connection and I don't think this is it." I started crying, and he kept just locking eyes w me and looking devastated, and I said "you can't magically expect a super deep connection after a month, you have to work at it a bit, why didn't you do that?" And he just looked like mad at himself, saying "I don't know! I don't know why I didn't!" Then got so upset and sad that he literally went into the bathroom to get sick. I had no warning of this coming even in the slightest.

[learning1]

I was literally going to say something to him like "you're someone whom I care a lot about and last night was really out of character... hoping you're ok and would like to talk more with a clearer head and no wine involved" (we had both had a lot at dinner, I was closer to drunk than him)

[friendsfirst]

It's only been a month, maybe he thinks are moving to fast. Discuss it sober and see what happens.

[learning1]

So I texted him just now saying I really care about him and last night seemed so out of character and I hope he's ok. He responded that he really cares about me too, "even if it's hard to see that now." and said "we can definitely talk, but I really think we should both take a few days to think about things first"

[learning1]

What do I do w that text? Is it potentially a change of heart? Because the whole situation was so odd, him seeming to have a great dinner w me, then saying some generic thing about how we "don't have a deep connection," then when he sees my response and I actually finally tell him I do care a lot about him... He keeps looking me in eye like he's about to cry and actually goes to bathroom to get sick. So now with that text after, what does he mean? He's all over the place

[friendsfirst]

He's confused with his feelings, or quite possibly was forcing something that just wasn't there. Just because he realized he couldn't fact something, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Give him the time to reflect he requested, and let him make the first move. I know it's super hard not to text him, but go out with your friends, and give him the time to think about what's next without you interfering.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, the way I see it is if he doesn't see a connection, then that is his loss. If he could toss you aside so easily, honestly, why would you even want him back? From what you describe, it sure as Hell sounds to me like there was a connection, so I don't see what in the Hell he was looking for that he felt he did not find. It is possible his standards are too ridiculously high.

Believe me. I understand your reluctance to let him go. You felt like you DID feel a connection. If you two had been together for years and this was happening, I may say fight for your chance to at least talk it out with him and see if things could be fixed. .... You've been dating a month. Only a month and he is already pulling this "no connection" stuff on you? Even if you COULD talk it out and you two give it another shot, how much longer until he just decides there isn't a connection yet again?

Don't get me wrong, if he honestly feels like there is no connection, then he is doing the right thing in breaking it off with you. It just certainly doesn't sound to me like he wasn't feeling that connection in the way you describe your interactions, so I honestly lean towards wondering if he is just some kind of creep. Bottom line, though, whether he is a good dude and is just doing the right thing because he doesn't feel you two are the right match.... or he is a loser who can't see a good thing when it is right in front of him..... It really doesn't matter. Your end result is the same. It would really just be best that you move on and look for love elsewhere.

You WILL find somebody with whom you will share a deep connection. If he doesn't feel that, then that is his loss. Some other guy will some day. Good luck to you!

[learning1]

Rather than text to ask "when can we talk?," I literally just said "busy week and after tonight, I'll basically be traveling for the weekend and then busy until
Tuesday." Almost as though I were brushing HIM off. (I already knew he'll be out of Town this weekend himself for work.) He responded with "Is it all right if we wait until we're both back next week and talk then?"

[TheEvilJester]

Well, it's up to you, but I guess I am not even really sure why you should bother to talk to him at all. He says he didn't feel a connection. Fine. That is his loss. You don't deserve to be with somebody where you have to force them to see your connection, or convince them that there is one. Especially not after only a month. Why put yourself through the drama of trying to convince him to try again only for him to probably pull the same crap again down the road?

When you meet the right guy, you'll just "know it" before you even really know it, and so will he. You shouldn't ever have to convince somebody of your worth, and especially not somebody that you barely know yet. It will have to be your decision, but my personal advice would be to just end it and move on. I wouldn't say you be rude to him about it. Again, if he honestly saw no connection, then he is doing the right thing to end it rather than to string you along. So, I wouldn't say you be rude to him or harbor any hard feelings. Just be very clinical and matter of fact about it. You deserve somebody who will be falling head over heels for you, not somebody you need to drag into it.

Again, though, if you personally feel you want to give it another chance, then that is up to you. If that is the case, then I wish you the best in that and hope it works out well. Good luck to you either way.

[learning1]

Why do you think he brought up and asked if its ok if we talk once were both back in town, though?

[Wakeup]

Why do you think he brought up and asked if its ok if we talk once were both back in town, though?

Because you are the one that wanted to talk and he's a nice person so he's just trying to accommodate you since you seem to not be able to accept that he's not feeling you the way you're feeling him.

YOU had good chemistry with him. That doesn't mean that he had the same involvement as you did. This happens often when you're dating and you feel a connection... for some reason you (the general you) believes that its two sided when often it is not. This seems to be the case and I suggest that you take his words at face value.

If he wants to keep seeing you after your talk, I suggest that YOU dial back your emotions until you see in his words WITH ACTIONS to back them up that he's feeling you like you're feeling him. You don't want to end up being his Fk buddy or FWB's... Most men will take sex even if there is no emotional connection to go along with it. Clearly!

I'm sure you have distanced yourself from men that you were not feeling a connection to but they seemed to be all over you like white on rice. No? Don't be so devastated because it's only been a month of being with him.... you should only be disappointed that it didn't turn into any thing committed. After one month whatever it is you're "feeling" for him is lust and infatuation which will soon wane once you go zero contact.

[learning1]

Maybe he's just scared of commitment bc that night's dinner was the first time we'd talked (albeit in vague terms, about our general attitudes, not "us") about topics like where he thought he might want to live in the country eventually, his views on marriage when you're younger vs in 30s, etc. and I mentioned that I've done a long distance relationship before and was cool with it (previously he's asked and I told him 'll be traveling a lot For work over a 10-month period starting next summer). I didn't talk about that in reference to HIM but did mention it. All these topics came up on their own in conversation over dinner and wine but who knows.

Anyhow, if he didn't care about me then he'd ignore my texts or say "I'm sorry but I have nothing further to say." Not ask me, when I told him I'm busy/out of town
Till next week, if it's ok if we wait to talk till I'm back

[Wakeup]

Caring for you and wanting to be your boyfriend or LIFEmate are two completely different ends of the spectrum.

Time to see that: All this speculation is just that... speculation. He's told you outright where he is at.

If he IS afraid of commitment then he should be the last person you would want to continue on with. You'll end up his fk buddy and you can't be someone's fk buddy and come out of it without emotional pain if you already are in lust and infatuation.

Let him go and leave him alone. If he contacts you when he's back from his travels then you'd do well to tell him that it's either all or nothing with you as you're clear in your dating goals and since he's not feeling a connection then you'd just as soon move on. Then don't contact him again.

Stop trying to make this into something he's not willing to give or, admit to wanting with you.

[TheEvilJester]

If he IS afraid of commitment then he should be the last person you would want to continue on with. You'll end up his fk buddy and you can't be someone's fk buddy and come out of it without emotional pain if you already are in lust and infatuation.

Almost exactly what I was about to say. Maybe you are right. Maybe he "doesn't feel a connection" because he is afraid of commitment. The thing is.... whether or not that is the case, why should that be your problem? If he sincerely does have a fear of commitment, that is his problem to deal with and fix. Otherwise, how can he expect to ever have any kind of lasting relationship? If he cannot currently commit, then to try to force him to would only be to put yourself, as well as him, through a lot of unneeded and unnecessary pain. Why do that to yourself?

Just as the others have said, it sounds like it would just be best for you to move on.

[learning1]

He wants to talk tomorrow. I don't know what to say. I'm sure it's hard
To feel a deep connection w me because I'm used to my relationship w my ex where he barely spoke to me under same roof and just worked on new work projects all night; telling me "this is my
Priority not you." And he was cold and emotionless. So I'm used to talking about work stories, perhaps sounding w little arrogant about my work position, but keeping my distance bc I'm used to cold distant relationship