Do I tell him?

[Denb]

I am a 45yr old single mum dating a really lovely man in his late 40's. We have been seeing each other for nearly a year. Early on in our relationship he let me know that he is considering taking a post in the next 18 months that would put him on a remote island for a minimum of 3 years. As I have young children, moving there with him isn't a consideration (nor has he asked me). I have realised that if he does take the post - it is not realistic to expect the relationship to survive the long distance. So I have decided that if he does take the post I will end the relationship. Do I tell him now that that is my intention or do I just wait until he decides to take the post - if he does?
I worry that if I do tell him now I will be influencing his decision - and as this is something that he was wanting to do before we met - I might be stopping him from doing something he really wants to do.
But if I don't tell him now, am I being cruel to make a decision like this without even consulting him? We haven't talked about a future together - other than to plan a holiday together next year - so I'm not even really sure where he sees our relationship going.

[solarion]

That's a tough one, but I think you should discuss it with him openly and not worry about how it will effect his decision as you cannot know how it will play out. If you've been together for almost a year and are planning a vacation together far into the future, then I wouldn't think a conversation about your potential lives together should be particularly awkward. For all you know he too has thought about how his potential posting would effect your relationship and he's hoping you'll ask him to stay. The point is you cannot know, unless you talk to him.

[Denb]

That's a tough one, but I think you should discuss it with him openly and not worry about how it will effect his decision as you cannot know how it will play out. If you've been together for almost a year and are planning a vacation together far into the future, then I wouldn't think a conversation about your potential lives together should be particularly awkward. For all you know he too has thought about how his potential posting would effect your relationship and he's hoping you'll ask him to stay. The point is you cannot know, unless you talk to him.

Thanks for your very wise words Solarion

[smarta$$]

I'm guessing he is old enough to know that if he goes, it's over. I might want to have the discussion sooner than later... do you really want to invest more time into a relationship that won't last at this time of your life?

[Denb]

That's something I've been avoiding thinking about - part of me thinks - "the longer we're together the less he is going to want to move away" - and the other part is just - "oh well just make the most of it while it lasts". I really would like to have a better idea of where I stand - and I guess the only way I'm going to get that is to talk to him about it.

[solarion]

That's something I've been avoiding thinking about - part of me thinks - "the longer we're together the less he is going to want to move away" - and the other part is just - "oh well just make the most of it while it lasts". I really would like to have a better idea of where I stand - and I guess the only way I'm going to get that is to talk to him about it.

Seems you knew what to do all along. Don't overthink it and work yourself up into a frenzy. Communicate.

Good luck OP.

[Denb]

Well I have an update on this one - the post has come up sooner rather than later- and he is in the process of applying right now . He could be gone as early as December. When he told me, he said that he needs to at least apply - and then if he gets the job decide whether to go or not. I am devastated, I pushed him away initially, telling him I needed to think what I wanted to do. But I miss him so much - we have gone from speaking daily and seeing each other at least 4 times a week to nothing. I don't know whether I should keep seeing him on the hope that he will decide not to take the job - or whether I need to move on and hope that he will come looking for me when he finally decides. I hate feeling so vulnerable and insecure - and I'm worried that this way its making me feel will affect our relationship anyway. I'm terrified of coming across as needy.
I just keep thinking that if he is even able to consider taking a job that will mean losing me - I must not mean that much to him - am I right in thinking this?

[Wakeup]

Frankly, I think HE was cruel in starting something up with you (or anyone else for that matter) without first telling you that he would could very well be leaving to some remote local to live and work.

If he did tell you that he might be doing that, then I'm wondering why you would continue on with him knowing that there is no way that you would go there with him, even if he did ask. (which he hasn't).

Since he hasn't asked you, then perhaps telling him now that you'd not go with him would be presumptuous? For all you know, he doesn't want you to go with him and this "thing" you have had with him was just a temporary, short term union that had a shelf life.

So: Did he tell you in the beginning about his plan to apply to a remote destination? I see by your last post that it looks inevitable that, that shelf life is about to expire.

Sorry you're hurting.

[basilandthyme]

I just keep thinking that if he is even able to consider taking a job that will mean losing me - I must not mean that much to him - am I right in thinking this?

Sorry to hear this. Him moving away for doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't important to him - but it does mean that he sees his job as being more important than his relationship with you.

If he applies for the job but doesn't get it, don't take him back. You don't deserve to be second choice.

[Date2Relate]

This is one of the times when you might consider letting things unfold before taking any action. As you said, you may influence an important decision in his life and ultimately, is that the right thing to do. Proceed with sensitivity, as you appear to be already doing.

[Denb]

Thanks for that, he did tell me about the possibility and I made the decision to continue to see him as it was only early stages and didn't know for sure if we would still be together when the time came anyway. I suppose I also hoped that when the time came he would not want to leave me - if our relationship was that good. Neither of us expected the job to become available so soon - even he agrees it really isn't a great time - he has a teenage daughter who he will end up seeing a lot less of if he takes this job. But his problem is that if he doesn't take the opportunity now he may never get the chance again.

[Wakeup]

he has a teenage daughter who he will end up seeing a lot less of if he takes this job.

You mean not only is he willing to lose you, he's also willing to lose a very important time in his daughter's life where she will need the influence of a strong and positive male role model?

How well do you really know this guy? Have you been introduced to all his family and friends during this year together? I'm asking because it just seems odd that he would start something up with someone knowing very well that it had a shelf life. Who leaves their children for a stinking job?
Certainly not someone I'd be interested in.
Adding:

But his problem is that if he doesn't take the opportunity now he may never get the chance again.

What, pray tell, is so wonderful about this opportunity that he'd opt out of helping to raise his teenage daughter and give up a (assuming) promising, budding relationship?

[basilandthyme]

I'd be leery of dating a man who not only puts his career before his romantic life, but also in front of his own child. You may be able to rebuild without him, but teenage girls need their fathers.

[Denb]

I have met all of his family and he has become very involved with my own children (and they adore him)- that is why it is so hard - and yes that was unfair of him. He realises this and is now leaving it completely up to me as to whether we continue to have a relationship until he decides. So now I feel like I have to chase him to make what little time we have left last - and I just feel like I am so exposed. Do I continue to see him and enjoy the time that is left on this basis? And yes I agree with you, and I really do not think he is thinking things through very clearly. And the worst bit is I can't even say as much because then I am being seen as trying to influence him.

- - - Updated - - -

I'd be leery of dating a man who not only puts his career before his romantic life, but also in front of his own child. You may be able to rebuild without him, but teenage girls need their fathers.

I agree 100%. I think he feels that his daughter doesn't need him like she used to (typical teenage behaviour).

[JHova1378]

It is indeed very hard to have long-distance relationships, especially ones like the your situation.

I would have to agree that you would most likely want to split with him, but before you do that, maybe talk to him and see how he's feeling as well?