Are these dangers signs?

[Deepest Blue]

Hi,
I am new to the forum and a little nervous about posting but I feel I need advice on an issue that has been causing me upset for a few months now.

I am in a relationship with a lady who I met at my work place, I’ve known her for a couple of years but we’ve been together for over 7 months. We did date beforehand for 3 months prior to me unfortunately ending it due to health reasons as at the time that I couldn’t dedicate a lot of time to the relationship so I thought it would be better to break up. She was exceptionally upset about this and it was something I did regret. We made amends in March and have been together ever since and for the most part it’s been really lovely. She often says she loves me & it appears genuine. She has asked me to move in with her which we’re currently in the process or organising, she’s introduced me to her parents (as I have with mine), and I’ve met most of her family.

Now here’s the issue…. She’s a very bubbly person (which isn’t a problem as I think that’s a lovely trait), but very ‘friendly’ especially towards guys, you could say that she’s probably being flirtatious. There are a couple of guys at our workplace that she’s admittedly said she has ‘soft spots’ for although I didn’t quite know how to take that at first and presumed that she just got on very well with them so I let it go.

A few months ago, I was working with a couple of these ‘guys’ in question as they are my work colleagues I sometimes have to assist them especially with problem solving (we work in IT Support). I saw a chat window dialogue between one of the guys and her, it was right in my view and couldn’t miss it especially as I needed to use his screen to assist with his issue. What I saw really upset me because even if it was innocent, it was still pretty flirtatious to say the least, things like “Hello baby”… “I’ve really missed talking to you…..”, “it could have been perfect”, “what is your thing?”, “I don’t do one night stands I am looking for a relationship”… “if he saw this chat he wouldn’t be happy you know” – supposedly in reference to me if I saw the chat – which inadvertently I did end up seeing ironically. There was more but I can’t remember everything that was said but the chat did end with her saying “I think we’d better stop here”.

As I said, this particular dialogue between them happened months ago. They always talk in this chat thing they start at work, goodness knows what else they’ve said or been saying since.

At the time of when I read that particular chat, as you can imagine it had upset me but I didn’t confront her, I just held it to myself to try & understand & analyse in my mind if it was just silly gibberish chat or if there’s actually really anything in it or something going on there. Unfortunately, I am not a very good at hiding my feelings and she could see I was quite off during most of that weekend so she confronted me and asked what the matter was. Oddly enough, I didn’t even need to tell her, she kind of guessed, as she said to me “oh was it the chat between me and so so.. you do know we were only joking!”. This really threw me back a little as I wasn’t going to bring it up and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t respond to what she said which probably made it pretty obvious to her that she had guessed correctly. She then said she didn’t fancy him and only had eyes for me. She then started to kiss me passionately and we were intimate (which I found odd considering what we’d had just discussed wasn’t very much of a turn on!). That was the last thing that was discussed on the matter.

So this incident occurred a few months ago but it had left a mark with me ever since. My previous relationships have ended because of this reason where they have begun to get friendly with someone (one of them with their ex) and have ended up getting together with them.

She sometimes brings these guys up in our conversations and makes a point that “oh I’ve spoken to so & so today bla bla bla” which to be honest she didn’t need to tell me and every time she mentions this I don’t’ reply back. She has even said that these guys appear in her “dreams”. Again, I am not sure what to make of it.

Am I overacting in my mind? We’ve never had an argument over this and the only time we discussed it was when that particular incident occurred. The problem is that as our relationships has gotten more serious, it’s starting to bug me more and more, thoughts in my mind of her telling this guy everything about, even about our personal life. Even worse, she may be talking this way to more guys than I think as she has said she has “soft spots”. She must think in her mind this is OK, and maybe it is OK if nothing ever becomes of it? I don’t know… Is this a sign of danger?

The problem is I am a little frightened of bringing this up as it could harm things, I really do love this lady and we get on very well. I was even contemplating asking her to marry me because apart from this issue that’s bugging me I think she’s perfect but I can’t continue to feel so down and concerned about this.

So I am at a point where I don’t really know what to do, whether I just accept that this is just her nature and live with it or bring it up with the risk of harming the relationship.
Apologies for the long post & thank you for reading.

[b0ris]

I am normally the 1 to ask for advice on here, but I will give u my opinion on your situation.
My previous relationship was a bit like this. She was very friendly with other guys & liked to go out to get drunk too. I didn't have a problem with it until a mans name kept coming up in convo, & my suspicions were heightened when she chose to go out with Friends' on boxing day instead of spending the day with me. We argued about it & I til her I would be going to my bro's & staying at my mums if it was gonna b like this.
I came home that night very late to c if my suspicions were right, & they were. I confronted her & she denied it & started hitting herself for sympathy & tried to come onto me, which I couldn't do (she was obviously trying to change the subject). I didnt know what the truth was for over a yr. I beat myself up during that time & found texts on her phone from some guy flirting with her & it messed with my head. I found out the truth when she had got an STD, & I got myself checked without her knowing, & I was clear (we hadn't slept together since that incident).
All of tho completely screwed with my head & in some ways affected my current relationship.

Just b careful & if u cant other signs then please finish it before it finishes you.

[Deepest Blue]

Hi Boris,

Thank you for your reply. Some of the things you said there was very interesting, the most striking thing though was the part when you said that your gf was coming on to you to try and change the subject which I now feel that's what my gf did too although she had the ability to hide it well at the time, I didn't realise she was doing it.

I still don't know what to do though...

[Wakeup]

The problem is I am a little frightened of bringing this up as it could harm things, I really do love this lady and we get on very well. I was even contemplating asking her to marry me because apart from this issue that’s bugging me I think she’s perfect but I can’t continue to feel so down and concerned about this.

If you are frightened that bringing something up that is bother you, especially when what is bothering you is inappropriate interaction with members of the opposite sex, if you're afraid of losing her over telling her how that interaction makes you feel, then you're clearly with the wrong woman.

You may have dated before but you have only been with this woman for 7 months. IMO, its far too early for you to be moving in with her... you're just actually getting to know her and what you are finding out, is that you and she has very different boundaries in place when it comes to interaction with opposite sex friends.

Have the conversation with her and tell her how it makes you feel. Use your "I" words like: I feel disrespected when you talk like that with other men. Let her know that the conversation was PURPOSELY left open for you to see (really, what else could it have been?) and that its embarrassing to have her talking like that and how others must view you for not having the personal boundaries in place to ask her to stop that type of interaction with other men.

You can use your own words but the point is, she is disrespectfully being an attention whore and is having inappropriate dialogue with other men. She is putting herself in a position to become emotionally involved with another by doing what she has/is done/doing.

Again: If telling her your feelings risks the relationship, then just imagine being afraid to communicate so that it gets to the point that you're walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Learn to communicate or your relationship WILL, without doubt not last or it will but only because you're too codependent to leave while you live with this feeling of fear and anxiety.

Tell us: Did she do this with you before the two of you started dating?