hard to catch woman

[blueboy9]

Been doing a part time job in the evenings and always had a thing about a woman I see there now and then. She knows I like her..I have asked her out.....time and money being the objections. She is separated from a middle eastern guy....she did say she'd probably have to move abroad if she dated...suggesting he would not like it....despite him being the party that had an affair causing the split. Not sure she is passing me by because of me....always looks like she has closed the door to all.....and she is a pretty....kind.delicate woman.....albeit that her draw bridge is up. I suspect she hasnt lived much....by that i mean....been with many men....got drunk....or whatever but played safe and sheltered....perhaps because of him.We are both 50...like her I am separated. I no longer see her...I left the job....but miss her....I know where she works...her main job..do I walk away...or make contact. Something in my heart says....I should keep trying....and that ..I'd be a perfect foil for her....if she was brave enough to just make one step.

[melancholia]

If you've asked her out multiple times and she declines every time, it may not be a good idea to ask her out again. Maybe she is keeping her draw bridge up, as you claim, or maybe she's just not interested in you romantically. Is this someone you have stayed in contact with since leaving your job? Do you have any kind of friendship outside of working together? I suggest that you move on and start looking for someone who wants the same things you do. It doesn't sound like a relationship will come to fruition if she's as sheltered and uninterested in dating, as you claim.

[Wakeup]

She is SEPARATED... not divorced. That makes her still married and to a Middle Eastern Man who (forgive the prejudicial view point) more likely then not, still considered her HIS regardless of whether or not they are sleeping at the same home.

YOU... are also still married even if you are separated.

Get your life in order and your baggage checked which means finalize your divorce so that you are free to date without worrying about unfinished emotional connections. Then, find someone who is a good match who has also stored away all unfinished relationship baggage and is ready to be someone's partner.

This woman IS THE last person with whom you should be trying to ingratiate yourself with. Due to what I've noted above and the fact that she's turned you down before. Move on... nothing to see there.

[blueboy9]

Thanks for the responses..... Harsh but fair....it could be said....!!!! Perhaps my only thought on the last post....is that tho I am separated and not divorced...that is finished business. The divorce ...when it takes place...is not a pre requisite for moving on. We are separated...financially and emotionally...and connect to care for our children in a responsible way....and as such our children feel loved by both parents with no evidence any hang ups or emotional baggage. You can be separated and independent.... Without the paper that says divorce...as you can happily co habit for years without marriage.

[TheEvilJester]

The others shared helpful advice that very much echoes what I would have said, so I don't feel the need to go into detail on the same. I will just quickly add that I agree that she has made it clear she is not interested. Whether that is because of her current situation, or she just is simply not interested in you is of no consequence. The result is the same, that you should move on and find somebody else. MAYBE if you happen to know that her situation changes (she finalizes the divorce) you might consider giving it another shot, but you should never wait around for that. You never know when or even if that will ever happen.

That said, you are definitely correct in that a divorce does not actually have to be final on paper before it is truly final in your own mind. .....However, it really would be best of it were final on paper. For one thing, sometimes you never do know. You may think everything is final and settled, but when it comes time to actually make it official, feelings get hurt and/or confused on one side or the other and things become complicated again when you thought it had passed that point.

Not only that, but even if you are 100% being honest that the divorce is final in your own minds even if not official on paper yet.... remember that is exact what a lot of unscrupulous men say to their mistresses in hopes of stringing them along forever. You aren't that guy..... but how is a prospective date supposed to know that? You are doing yourself a disservice, because a lot of people who would otherwise have no problem dating a divorced guy will be a little leery of a guy who has not yet finalized his divorce. So, yes you are right, but it is really still best to finalize all that stuff FIRST, then go back to dating when you feel ready.

Trust me, I've been through it, so I know how you must feel. I, too, was kind of eager to get another chance. I was tempted to start my search even before things were final. But, it just felt better to deal with that stuff first. Not that I've had much luck in the dating world, but at least I don't have to worry about explaining why I'm still technically married. I am free to date.

Good luck to you. I've always sort of felt like people who have gotten stuck with the wrong person deserve even so much more to find the right one. Good luck to you in finding your "right one."

[blueboy9]

Thank you eviljester . And well put..!! As you say...the reasons are not important. ...just my curiosity...!!! I am by no means I am saying I am the best catch etc....but I guess I always felt knowing what little she has said to me..I offer many of the things as a kind sincere man that is not jealous or possessive in nature..that would be good in her life. Naturally it is up to her and if she cannot see that...that is always going to be up to her. I suspect she is still bound up with him in someway....I know not how....and to change that is too daunting for her. So I am gone...her loss...but sad to see a lovely woman caught with a ...guessing this......destructive guy...!

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the responses..... Harsh but fair....it could be said....!!!! Perhaps my only thought on the last post....is that tho I am separated and not divorced...that is finished business. The divorce ...when it takes place...is not a pre requisite for moving on. We are separated...financially and emotionally...and connect to care for our children in a responsible way....and as such our children feel loved by both parents with no evidence any hang ups or emotional baggage. You can be separated and independent.... Without the paper that says divorce...as you can happily co habit for years without marriage.

Well, maybe so but I tend to think, and I'd imagine any women of worth would think the same way,( that should I ever be single again) that a man who is NOT single is not someone to get serious over. Living apart does not make you single. It just makes you living apart and it also makes you still not having dealt with the emotional baggage that the final divorce will put you through.

Be careful because it's highly possible that No one serious about finding a LIFEmate will take you seriously because you are unable to marry. Even those of worth that don't care about marriage won't take you seriously knowing that you still have unfinished biz with the wife.

Why haven't you divorced yet if you are separated financially and emotionally? Is there a waiting period or something to go through before you can actually divorce?

[TheEvilJester]

Good points on Wakeup's part. It may be unfair to a fella like you whose divorce is truly well and final in your own mind but not yet on paper. Stinks for good, honest guys like us that scumbags have ruined things, but such is life. It just is what it is. There is a stigma about people currently going through a divorce. Honestly, not all of it is without merit. Going through a divorce can be a very heart-wrenching process, so it certainly isn't one you should expect a new mate to have to face with you. Not if you can help it.

As I said, I know just how you feel. For me, I'd been in that mistake of a relationship for too long, and had already taken too long to realize I deserved better. By the time I finally realized it and we decided to divorce, it was long over in my mind. So, in part I did kind of want to start looking again even before everything was completely final. I just decided it wasn't worth it, though. If I was going to wind up finding somebody with whom I could really have a chance, I didn't want them having to worry about whether I was honest and was ever actually going to finalize my divorce. That, or risk finding the right person for me..... but I'd blow my chance before I even really got a chance because they wouldn't want to get involved with somebody who was currently going through a divorce.

I am not saying it CANNOT work. In fact, one of my best friends just got married to her fella, and HE was currently going through a divorce when they first started dating a few years ago. It CAN work, it would just honestly be much better if you take care of getting things finalized first. Then you don't even have to worry about having to explain it to potential dates. I am sure there will still be questions about your marriage at some point, but that wouldn't be much different from asking about past relationships.

Good luck to you.

[blueboy9]

Thanks for the last couple of messages. My wife and me have not been over concerned at this time about divorce. At the time of separating we lost our business and all our money. We have both struggled to financially recover..so spending money on lawyers....your speak...I'm British...we say solicitors....has not been practical...there are so many more important calls on our money. Oddly...it has never happened before I bumped into the woman to which this post commenced....in a supermarket...today. She was evasive...but we had a brief chat. Just me..just a man thing....but just seeing her melted my heart....something about her just reduces me to a mess. I was calm...cool.....but inside...it was...wow...just want to grab hold of you and kiss you.not had my head turned like that...well for a very long time. Hurts to watch her walk away....disinterested....but it is hard...because the feelings you have you cannot control..!!! If I was to guess...she's been very badly treated...perhaps threatened or worse...hence her almost fearing attention.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know all that much about the divorce laws in my own state, and yet in the United States, they can vary greatly state by state. So, I certainly know nothing about the divorce laws in your country.... However, you may want to look into whether there is anything similar to an "amicable" divorce, where you two can actually finalize everything without lawyers, if you aren't really contentious over anything.

Either way, I would still recommend you at least consult with a lawyer, but if that is possible in your country (and for your situation) it could be one way to finalize a divorce relatively quickly and inexpensively. Trust me, I understand how you feel. To you two it is as over as it can be, so you feel no rush to finalize it officially on paper because your money is going elsewhere.

Still, it really is best to finalize things as soon as you can. For one thing, no matter how long you have been apart, the law still views you as married. So, when you eventually DO move toward getting divorced, that could only complicate things further. Though I was with my ex for nearly a decade, we were only married a few short years before we divorced. I was lucky enough that, due to the relatively short length of our marriage, there wasn't really a whole lot of grounds for her to make the divorce a nightmare for me like you often hear they can be in the US. As it is, our divorce was very fair to us both, so I can't complain.

I know how you feel, as well, in describing how this new gal just sort of caught your attention without you really even thinking about looking at the time. Sometimes it does just happen that way. I, myself, have always been very much a romantic. These days, it has been getting harder and harder to hold onto that. But, I know how it feels to see somebody and they just spark something in you. It's weird, too, because you can see/meet a million women and not feel that same thing. Which isn't to say you couldn't feel something for them if you ever dated them. Maybe if you did you'd hit it off, but you just pass by them like any other person and never think twice about it. ...Then, there can suddenly be somebody who catches your eye, or somebody you actually meet that seems (on paper, at least) so perfect for you, and they just spark something in you. You almost can't even explain why, but they just do.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes it just doesn't work out. There is just too much complicating this situation, unfortunately. Both you and this gal have things to work through on your own. Maybe a relationship between you two actually COULD be possible down the road, but I just personally think the time is not right now. You will ultimately have to decide, but my personal advice for now would be to move on and forget her. Don't waste time waiting around for something that may never happen. Move on and look for your match elsewhere. All the same, whenever you can, work on finalizing things with your wife. In time, who knows? Maybe fate will lead you back to this new gal. If not, though, at least if you've moved on, then you won't have wasted your time waiting.

Good luck to you.

[blueboy9]

Thanks for taking the trouble to write...andva lengthy reply too
...appreciated. yes...whats happened to me is one of those weird things....you just notice someone and it hits you....that wow factor. It's a nice feeling but not when it is reciprocating. ..sadly. I'd not seen her for a couple of months...then bump into her....and just looking at her knocks your socks off...sadly not to be despite all my efforts. She is very private...with other people too...her reactions are not typical....I can only guess that her ex has messed her head badly...and trust has gone...especially with a guy. Lovely woman...and I see it as such a sad thing...not just because I fancy her.