Distraught and really need some advice - GF left me

[at_a_loss]

Hello all,

First post here and I've registered to ask for ideas on what I need to do, because I am in desperate need of something to change. I have asked people I know, which isn't many, but nothing is helping me, and nothing is taking my mind off the subject of this post.

Basically, at the end of last year, my girlfriend of 6 years left me. I was already struggling with a health problem of chronic fatigue, just feeling extremely tired all the time and was out of work. She said it had run its course and that she didn't want anybody else, but then I searched on POF and found she had a profile. Weeks later, she was in a relationship with a new guy.

When I found her POF profile, I set one up too - although I was distraught, or so it felt at the time, I was in shock after missing her company so much that I wanted to meet new people. I met a woman on POF and it didn't go anywhere. Then I either messaged her, or she messaged me, but I found a girl who we hit it off with, conversationally, straight away. First messages on POF, then exchanging numbers. We met up on Valentines Day and, well - everything happened, and I didn't know if I would see her again, nor did she know if she'd see me again - but there was something there from the off, as soon as I first saw her. I certainly had no intentions of getting in a relationship so soon after another, but something about this girl captivated me and I couldn't stop thinking about her.

A week after Valentines, I went back to hers and met her parents (who she still lives with) and we had a great night and I remember her laying on my lap just looking up into my eyes as I stroked her hair saying how happy she already felt - it was all quite natural and after the heartbreak of a few months before, I felt blessed to meet her. We entered a relationship and spent a lot of time together with lots of laughs, smiles, banter. Obviously I was out of work and suffering with a bit of fatigue, but I was on the job search and she knew that and it really wasn't a problem at the time. I don't want to be out of work, so I was determined to try and get back into something.

Then everything went wrong. A month after we met, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

I remember being told, my girlfriend and my mum were in the room and I was in complete shock and froze. I looked at my girlfriend who had tears in her eyes and we went straight back to hers and hugged and had a bit of a cry but I knew she would be there for me and she was, through surgery, and then radioactive treatment in August - her support was everything to me and I couldn't have done it without her. She has been my total strength.

We'd had a few ups and downs over silly arguments over the summer. Also, she got frustrated that I wasn't doing enough to help myself. She wanted me to get a job, but I said I wanted to get the cancer sorted first. She came round one day at the end of August and said I want you to get a voluntary job, get counselling, and also go back on anti-depressants. I went back on the anti-depressants. We both knew I needed help, so I was never in any doubt that counselling was needed to deal with the cancer and my fatigue, but also knew voluntary work would be good for me. But I was so consumed by negativity with my health and depression, that I didn't manage to get anything done.

Then last month, I was told I had more cancer - this time in the other side of my neck. Not long after, probably mid October, she told me she wanted some space. This was gut wrenching after spending a lot of time together, including all weekend. October 10-11th was the last weekend I spent with her. I then put a lot of effort into looking for voluntary work, booked some counselling, and was a lot more proactive and positive - one thing she didn't like was my negativity, but I let the cancer consume me and I regret it so much. During this "space" she wanted, she had stopped texting me much, stopped putting kisses on my texts, and though it sounds silly, that really hurt me. Then we met up on a Wednesday night for a meal. Bear in mind I hadn't seen her in 2 weekends previous, I told her that night I had been asked if I wanted to see a friend on the Saturday. She got really annoyed with me - "You know we see each other at weekends!" - but how was I to know that she wanted to that weekend, and also, as I said to her, I would happily drop the plans with the friend (which weren't even set in stone!) and spend the weekend with her - but she can be extremely stubborn and said no, she didn't want to. She said she "came here tonight thinking we could sort things out" and she intended to stay over, but she drove home.

This was the last time I saw her, 3 weeks ago yesterday. She told me in text a couple of weeks later that it was over and since then there's been contact but just her telling me she can't do it any more and doesn't feel the same as I do for her - I am totally in love with her. But she told me she doesn't love me and has left me. I am absolutely heartbroken :-( I can't function. I feel emptier than ever. These past few weeks I have felt like I am constantly being punched in the stomach and I literally cannot stop thinking about her - I can't eat or sleep. I totally understand when she says the cancer is hard for her to deal with too - she felt like she was drowning. But I didn't mean to make her feel that way and I feel terrible about it.

Then it got worse - not only have I been told there is even more cancer and got surgery coming up, I did what I did when my ex left me - I searched for her on POF. And there she was :-( and she, like my ex, told me she just wants to be alone at the moment and doesn't want anybody or anything like that - she just doesn't want it. Absolutely heart-crushingly devastated. Seeing that was like a knife in my heart, and I don't know why I did it to myself. I don't understand how it has come to this. Well I do, because I didn't do those things she wanted me to do in August, but I am now doing them a couple of months later and now she says it's too late.

In a phone call last night, where I managed to keep it together for once, she kept saying it's "too late" and she "doesn't want the relationship anymore" - yet in another breath she says she misses me and even said "If you'd done the things I asked you to do in August we'd still be together now" - so what the hell?! I've been getting a lot of mixed signals, or maybe I am just perceiving it that way because I always have this constant hope.

I can't handle this and I would give anything for her to just wake up and realise that I can make her happy and it won't always be like this - she's embarrassed that I am receiving benefits, but I have a genuine illness and I need to pay my rent and eat - I don't spend my money on things that aren't necessary. I am caring and committed and adore her and would do anything for her. Although obviously I regret not being more positive at times during the relationship and now I can't stop blaming myself!

I am breaking down in tears constantly, including today at hospital when I had to have my pre-op assessment with my surgeon - I just wanted her there as she has been all along. I am having surgery in less than 2 weeks - I am terrified. I feel like I am going through this alone and I am a very lonely person. That's not why I was with her though - I was with her because she makes me smile, laugh, makes me feel like no one else can - I have never felt this way about anybody in my life!

As I said earlier, I felt distraught after my ex left me at the end of last year - and even after 6 years, that felt like nothing compared to this relationship - and we'd been together 8 months. I am devastated, heartbroken - lost. I don't know how I can get over this. I am dealing with my health and also the fact that I am going to have to live the rest of my life knowing that, apparently, if I'd just got my a*se in gear back in August (despite how terrible I felt physically and mentally) then I could still be with my gorgeous girl right now :-( yes she has her faults, but I only see the good in her. I am a loyal, caring, trustworthy, genuine guy and I can't stand the thought of her with another man - especially so soon after leaving me :-(

She has been my rock through an extremely difficult year. Now I feel lost.

I am sorry for the long, long post - there are many details I've omitted, but the general gist of it is here.

I would really appreciate any advice on how the hell I can get through this, because I feel broken, sick, empty 24-7 - and I cannot get this girl out of my head. I genuinely love her to the bottom of my heart. With this and the cancer, I am at the stage where I don't know how to carry on - I've been to Samaritans 4 times in the past 3 weeks. The girl is everything to me, and I just want to get through this cancer, beat it and then get some sort of normal life with the most beautiful, loving girl I've ever met.

Thank you for reading.

[dontaskme]

First off, I'm sorry that your cancer is back. I'm sure that you are going through a difficult phase right now but perhaps it is better that you are not in a relationship. It appears that your illness drags you down and consequently, you pull your partners down with you.

Take care of your medical, emotional and job issues before getting into another relationship, otherwise, your future partner will end up leaving you again because no one wants to be caretakers for someone who is constantly negative and depressed.

[at_a_loss]

Thanks for the reply. I would hardly say she was a caretaker - I can look after myself. I am also not constantly negative and depressed, I just slipped up a lot after the radioactive treatment and was very down. I have been much more positive lately and trying to do so much more, but she says it is too late.

Your message has cut me up a bit. I don't think I am a bad partner at all, I am a loving person who would never hurt anybody intentionally. The main reason for me posting on here was to figure out how on earth do I get over this heartbreak. My heart doesn't just feel broken - it has been turned to dust. I've never felt so lonely and empty.

[dontaskme]

I never said you were a bad partner but you must know or perhaps, you weren't aware how difficult it is to be around someone who is negative and down because of a serious illness. I understand that it may not be your normal and that it is the consequence of the disease, but you have to understand that your partner is a human being who has feelings and can be emotionally burn down taking care of your emotional needs. When I said caretaker, I didn't mean physically but more emotionally. Sorry to be blunt, I know it's the last thing you need but perhaps you need to hear it from someone who doesn't know you and can be objective.

No one can tell you how to recover from a breakup. You need to figure what works for you. the general advice would be exercise, go out with family and friends, get a hobby, but I am not going to advise you that. The only thing I can say is that time do heal all wounds.

Your priority right now is your health. Get all the strength you need to beat the cancer, then focus on getting a job. No girl wants to date someone who is unemployed unless you are in school.

[lightstar]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time but I think your main focus right now NEEDS to be your health and fighting back against this illness. The stress from this woman is not helping and I think you need people around you who are loving and supportive as well as fighting by your side and staying strong for you!

The relationship was too new for her to be able to handle all this. I think she is a horrible b**ch to try and push you to work with your health being so poor right now. Nobody should have to work or even think about job searching in your shoes. Your only focus should be getting better. Of course you are tired. You are probably exhausted! Radiotherapy takes a lot from you.

And its also totally normal to feel down and depressed. I know I wouldn't be skipping around the place if I had to face what you are facing.

I think you can and will do better than this girl in the future. I know it hurts now and it feels like the universe is against you but the wheel is always turning and you are due some good luck now after so much bad.

I really hope you get better. You have to stay strong and look after yourself. Don't allow this breakup to drag you down. None of this is your fault so stop blaming yourself.

Stay on the anti-depressants, get plenty of rest, take vitamins, continue with your treatment and attend a support group for cancer patients if/when you feel up to it. Try to put this girl out of your mind right now and stay focused on your recovery

best of luck to you

- - - Updated - - -

I never said you were a bad partner but you must know or perhaps, you weren't aware how difficult it is to be around someone who is negative and down because of a serious illness. I understand that it may not be your normal and that it is the consequence of the disease, but you have to understand that your partner is a human being who has feelings and can be emotionally burn down taking care of your emotional needs. When I said caretaker, I didn't mean physically but more emotionally. Sorry to be blunt, I know it's the last thing you need but perhaps you need to hear it from someone who doesn't know you and can be objective.

Where I come from a good partner is there through the good and bad times. They are your emotional support when you need them to be. And you are theirs when they need you to be.

You are implying here that this breakup is somehow his fault for leaning on her for emotional support or for being down and depressed occasionally. Have you any idea how life changing and scary cancer is? not to mention traumatic, exhausting and painful?? of course he is depressed and has every right to be.

I have seen a number of your insensitive posts dontaskme and usually I bite my tongue but I really think you have no business on a support forum where people come for help as you have zero emotional intelligence

- - - Updated - - -

then focus on getting a job. No girl wants to date someone who is unemployed unless you are in school.

Half the world is unemployed right now due to recession and many many of them have loving partners. OP is ill. He needs to focus only on one thing-recovery! And should not be made feel bad about being out of work. This is not his fault.

[Wakeup]

Well, in Dontaskme's defence: OP's ex only knew him 8 months and sadly, she wasn't smart enough to leave before the Op got so involved (far too soon) with her. He had no job, was unmotivated and depressed along with having chronic fatique. Those things alone should have been her cue to leave and find someone that was in the right state of health, physically and mentally to be able to properly nurture and tend to a relationship.... to add to that, he then became more ill then when she first started out with him. This is NOT like they were married for years and then she bolted when things go tough. They were not living together (that I read) and they knew each other less then a year.

That is too much for most new partners to want to take on and she left because staying when one is unhappy and burdened is not Love BUT codependency and dysfunction.

That being said: Op; you really would do well to continue on in your therapy so that you come to terms with the ending of this very short relationship. Work hard on getting your good health back, both your physical and mental state will make you think that you are more heart broken then you actually are. You must learn to be happy as a single before you start anything new with another.

I suspect since you were not working that you live with your mother. Take solace in her love for you and her support while you recover and fight the good fight and do your utmost to change the subject of this woman from your thoughts.

It may be harsh what Don't says about being jobless as well but it rings true. Most long term partners will support both financially and emotionally an out of work partner while he looks for work if he has lost his job but to expect a NEW partner to let you ride is really asking too much of any woman worth having. I suspect you're too ill right now to work a full time gig but perhaps you could do something part time (If your treatments are finished.) because working will certainly keep you from dwelling on her and what could have been.

Good luck in your fight. Having the right frame of mind is very important to make the most of your counselling sessions.

- - - Updated - - -

Where I come from a good partner is there through the good and bad times. They are your emotional support when you need them to be. And you are theirs when they need you to be.

Where I come from its the same but certainly a new partner that are not married staying when not happy and to take on all that would be codependency, certainly not love. The whole problem is that this girl stayed and tried to change him instead of leaving before he became codependent on her. Dating is to find out if who you are initially attracted to, you will be able to (hopefully) spend the rest of your life with. She found out that she could not. This ending happens ALL OF THE TIME when one is dating. Sadly the Op got a double whammy but that does not negate the fact that he needs to work on his self right now and being single is the best time to make oneself the best them that they can be.

Head high, Op. Keep us posted on how you are recovering.

[lightstar]

After witnessing three close relatives fight cancer (two of whom died) I honestly disagree with OP working whilst he battles this illness (unless he feels physically fit to work) right now.

I do get what you are saying about co-dependancy and that this was all too much for a very new relationship which I stated above.

I just think dontaskme was too harsh and blunt considering what OP is going through. None of this is his fault and he needs love and support right now.

hugs to you OP. I really feel for you.. My beautiful aunt fought the battle that you are fighting and it is a v sensitive topic for me. My heart aches for you and I wish you the very best. Stay strong and take care!

sending lots of love and hope your way xx

[Wakeup]

After witnessing three close relatives fight cancer (two of whom died) I honestly disagree with OP working whilst he battles this illness (unless he feels physically fit to work) right now.

Hence why I said "if you've finished your treatment."

I do get what you are saying about co-dependancy and that this was all too much for a very new relationship which I stated above.

I just think dontaskme was too harsh and blunt considering what OP is going through. None of this is his fault and he needs love and support right now.

Sure... but he certainly does not need enabling dialogue either. Everything that is considered to not be "love and support" is valid and by getting back out there in the workforce (if he's able) it will keep his mind off of her. Op was unemployed, depressed, unmotivated and apathetic when his partner of six years left him. Still being that way when he started dating was not in his best interests {which he's discovered} because there are very few women of worth who would take him seriously when he needs to work on himself. That is the hard truth and I say that with the best intentions because when he corrects all those things, he will soon find someone who won't bounce on him.

hugs to you OP. I really feel for you.. My beautiful aunt fought the battle that you are fighting and it is a v sensitive topic for me. My heart aches for you and I wish you the very best. Stay strong and take care!

Well, I lost my brother to brain cancer, my father had bladder cancer (although that is not what he died from) my mother and myself are breast cancer survivors (mom's gone now but breast cancer did not take her) I did lose my aunt to breast cancer though and my best friend of 25 years to pancreatic cancer. (sorry TMI) I'm sure that cancer has touched just about everyone at some point or another, sadly. I don't think any of us are insensitive to that part of his story.

sending lots of love and hope your way xx

Yes... and do keep in mind OP that having a good attitude is half your battle. Don't let an 8 month fling curtail you from getting well enough in all ways.

[lightstar]

I agree with you wakeup in a lot of ways.

however he was plagued by fatigue due to the cancer which ended the first ltr.

[victorian_grl]

When it rains, it pours... I am sorry to hear all your troubles, but the most important here is your health. You need to focus on yourself, no matter how awful a break up feels and how alone you feel. Focus on the opportunities that come with being single.

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years, the first thing I did was travel the world. He hated travelling and I always wanted to. Those 2 months of my life were the best. I met amazing people, it opened up my eyes that life is more than my relationship with ONE person. If it has to be ONE person, that person has to be YOU.

Take care of YOU!

[Wakeup]

I agree with you wakeup in a lot of ways.

however he was plagued by fatigue due to the cancer which ended the first ltr.

This is becoming circular now so I'll just say that I totally agree with Victorian_grl and leave it at that.

[dontaskme]

Half the world is unemployed right now due to recession.....

I assume you're one of them that's why you're pissed off???

[lightstar]

I assume you're one of them that's why you're pissed off???

no I am currently on mat leave. I have never beem unemployed (worked since 15 plus school, college).. I just don't judge people the same way you do

[hungrybird]

Hi Op, I just broke up with my boyfriend of one year and 3 months. I read your story. I am saddened by it. My problems is a piece of cake comparing to yours. The truth is if someone doesn't love the way you do. It will not work. I feel the same like you do. My world is darker by day. But I know that I will be okay some day just not sure when. Cancer is not fun I had to admit. My father died from mastasized lung and liver cancer. He too been through the same as you did. His 6 years wife left him for another guy. He could not even work or anything. I was there the best I can to support him. But at times I am also drained because I can never understand his pain as he once mentioned. He said he was relying on oxcodone and other pain killers to support his life. Because cancer was too painful. He was fighting at every bit. You are strong more than you know. Now that he was gone. There is no turning back. The best thing I can think of is spend time with those who care about u. Immerse yourself into that kind of love. Have a help support group. Ask for mental health services. It helps get through the day. All you need is good support and it could be from family, friends, nurse, psychologist and even strangers like us. Know that you are not alone. Many people is in this fight with you.