Girlfriend cheated...not sure what to do...

[lolerskates]

First off, I wanted to say that before this relationship, I was in a 5 year relationship with a girl who repeatedly cheated on me, and continued to do so despite confessing to me and promising never to do it again (multiple times).

Six months after that relationship ended, I met another woman who was very sweet, trustworthy, and was someone I could connect with. It's a slight long distance relationship (40 minute drive to see her) but we always had a good time so it felt worth my while. This relationship has been going on for one and a half years. It was her birthday a month ago and I spent the most money I've spent on anyone for a birthday (many hundreds).

So recently she turned 21 and has been excited to go to bars and hang out with her friends. Last night she ended up with a couple of guys, got really drunk, and then has no recollection of what happened after the bar. She says she woke up in a bed and a guy there said he last saw her making out with another guy and that's the last thing he remembers. She told me about this as soon as she got off work and cried constantly, for about an hour, until I consoled her and told her things aren't over.

But I just don't think I should do this anymore. We had plans to move in together but now I really just don't want to see her again. She was extremely regretful but what I'm really frustrated with is her naivety and incompetence. She promised she would quit drinking but that doesn't undo what was done and from my experience, a relationship that has endured cheating is destined to go downhill regardless of the intentions afterwards.

Is there any good reason I should give her a second chance? Or should I end this before I start sinking my time into a relationship where I have to live with the painful mistakes made by my significant other. The whole thing is so embarrassing, I wish I could ignore her and pretend with everyone like I haven't been in a relationship for the last couple years. Everyone knows my last relationship ended consisted of me getting cheated on and now I feel like I can't confide with or talk to anyone about this. I'm embarrassed I can't find a girl who has enough reservation to not cheat. And even more so I'm embarrassed to have spent so much time and money on a relationship that ended up going ugatz when I could have been using that time to improve myself.

The whole thing is a shame, but I'm particularly angry because I saw this coming from a mile away and didn't do anything to prevent it. I can tell my girlfriend is truly sorry but I don't know if that's enough.

Is it possible for a relationship to recover after this? My gut, mind, instinct, experience, etc. tells me NO and tells me to get away before more damage is done. I feel bad for her because perhaps some feminists might say she was raped or taken advantage of, but I personally know perfectly well that she knew what direction the situation was going and she chose to not get out of it before it got to the point where she could blame the alcohol.

[tarapaine]

I think you need to take into account that she JUST turned 21 and was out drinking for the FIRST time. Obviously, she is not experienced with drinking so naturally she probably got WASTED after just a few drinks. And if she doesn't remember what happened, it's obviously a blackout. I have had them and they are real. And of course given the way guys are someone ended up taking advantage of her. I know you had a bad experience in the past, but I would be careful about throwing away a "1.5 year" relationship with a girl you say is "sweet and trustworthy". So she is trustworthy, but you cannot forgive her for what happened after her first drinking experience in which she was so drunk she didn't even know what she was doing?

You said, "perfectly well that she knew what direction the situation was going and she chose to not get out of it before it got to the point where she could blame the alcohol".

I'd be careful about assuming that. She obviously probably was aware of the dangers (not "knew" what was going to happen), but she just turned 21 and wanted to drink, and before she knew it it got to the point where she didn't know what she was doing. Honestly, it sounds to me like you don't have any experience with drinking. Do you? Because anyone who drinks would know that this kind of thing can easily happen to a first time drinker, especially a girl. Why do you think guys like to get girls drunk? I bet she got tipsy after one beer and then all sorts of guys there probably started handing her drinks.

I'd think about this before doing something rash.

[lightstar]

The guy could be lying. I remember at my 18th party. One of my friends bfs who is a total a**hole tried to tell me I had kissed like 8 people and I absolutely KNEW 100% I hadn't kissed anyone. He was just trying to stir s**t and split me and my bf up.

He thought I was too drunk to remember but I remembered everything. Someone also tried to spike my drink that night. I found a pill in it that was half didsolved. It got stuck in the ice. I wonder now was it him?

Anyway I think if your gf had done anything sexual she would KNOW even if she doesn't remember. You would feel it in the morning, smell it on your body, she would know if her underwear had come off etc

And I think no matter how drunk you are, you still remember bits of things that happened. She either remembers kissing him to a certain extent or else it just didn't happen.

[Wakeup]

Oh for goodness sakes.... just break up with her now. You don't trust her to keep herself from getting wasted when out with friends and if she going to drink like that then she's not going to be able to be in control of her own actions. Do NOT spend another five years in a shitty relationship. If you doubt that you'll be able to forget this then there is absolutely no point in staying with her a minute longer.

She is legally able to drink now. I doubt very much, Tara, that she's never had a drink before though. Op: You'll correct me if I'm wrong in my doubts, I'm sure.

[melancholia]

If my boyfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, then I'm definitely going to bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for another one or two years.

[TheEvilJester]

CAN a relationship recover from one of the parties cheating? Of course it CAN. However, just because it can does not automatically mean you should HAVE to try. Even if we didn't consider your past history, it would be perfectly understandable if that was make or break for you.

I will say this.... I do agree with what a few of the others have said. It was her first time going out drinking and she got a little out of control and cannot remember what happened. So, that being the case, the guy who told her she made out with some guy could be lying or even just mistaken. Even if not, the guy could have taken advantage of her in her inebriated state, and maybe she was intoxicated enough not to put up as much resistance as she would have wanted to had she been more in control.

So, I don't know on this one. I'd say MAYBE you consider giving her the chance to prove it was a stupid youngster's mistake. We all do stupid things when we are young. Mistakes only truly become mistakes when you fail to learn from them. If she makes the same mistake again, then without question I would say you end it. Now, though, perhaps you chalk it up to a stupid mistake and give her the chance to prove it was nothing more than just that.

I say PERHAPS, because it is perfectly understandable if you have a zero tolerance policy on that kind of thing. Bottom line, if you don't think you could look past it regardless of whether or not you think she had ill intentions, then it would be best just to end it. If you don't think it is something you can look past, then it would be better for you and her both to just move on. You don't deserve to be with somebody you feel you can't trust. At the same time, if she did sincerely just screw up, and she never did it again, she doesn't deserve to be treated as though she cannot be trusted. Nobody could blame you if you couldn't, but if you can't see past it even if she DOES learn from her mistake, then just best you set her free to apply that life lesson in a future relationship.

Hopefully it doesn't have to come to that. It would be a shame to have to throw away a lengthy relationship like that and start over. So, for your sake I hope that doesn't have to happen. Still, you have to do what is best, both for you and for her. That said, you SHOULD NOT feel embarrassed or at all to blame for this happening to you again. YOU have no reason to be embarrassed. Your ex does for cheating on you AT ALL, much less over and over again. To some degree (assuming the guy's story was true), your new gal should be embarrassed as well for letting that happen. YOU should not feel embarrassed for expecting you could trust those you love the most.

Hell, even if there WAS something you were doing that was not fulfilling your partners' needs, the mature adult thing to do is discuss it and/or end it. To me, there are few more reprehensible things you can do in life than to cheat on somebody. If there were something you were doing wrong, how are you ever supposed to correct that if they don't give you the chance to learn from it? I lean towards thinking it isn't you, though. Your ex sounds like an insensitive prick who didn't deserve you from the start anyway. Your current gal, I lean toward thinking just made a stupid youthful mistake.

Good luck to you either way.