What to do?

[Will198]

A girl recently came back into my life, I had known her for a few years previously and we where quite close but have not seen her in about 6 years. During that time she was in a serious relationship and broke up about 3 months ago.

Anyway she messages me and she comes and meets me for a drink, we have an amazing night, end up hooking up (probably not the wisest move), we see each other a few times and text/talk alot over next few weeks, she tells me we have great chemistry . Then she pulls back and says she's not ready for another relationship and needs to be on her own for a while and we were getting too close.

We are still talking/texting and went out shopping together, been out with other friends for a drink together etc.

Now i really like her and we are really compatible and i want her I'm my life, but not sure I can handle being 'just friends' however. Now I dont know if she just needs time or if she just doesn't want a relationship with me.

Do I continue seeing her as a friend and hope that it will develop or do I just state my intentions and stop seeing her? Will I just become a permanent friend and nothing more by continuing as we are?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

[smarta$$]

I think you should state your intentions, and stop seeing her uf she isn't interested. Otherwise, you will just get strung along until you start looking like a little b*tch, and she will lose respect for you.

[Will198]

You are probably right, I am just prolonging it as love spending time together. Even just shopping we didn't stop laughing and having a good time. My timing always sucks.

Think I will go ghost for a while, maybe see if she makes contact, got a date with another girl lined up so will go with that and see what happens. Hopefully this other girl will also turn out to be amazing!

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, you said yourself that you don't think you can see being just friends with her. IF you could be okay with the possibility, then I'd say MAYBE you remain friends with her. As long as it doesn't cause you to hold yourself back (whether you realize you are doing so or not) from finding your own relationship, then no harm. Who knows? In time, she could be interested. You just shouldn't put your own life on hold waiting for something that may never happen.

So, since it sounds like being just her friend would be too hard for you, it would be best to keep your distance. Maybe you explain why, maybe you don't. To advise on that, I'd have to be a little closer to the situation. That can really depend on how regularly you two tended to hang out. The one thing I would NOT recommend is to just blatantly ignore her. In other words, if she texts/calls/e-mails you, don't just ignore it. I personally have always felt that is immature and rude to do to somebody.

However, ceasing contact on your own is fine. If she DOESN'T contact you, don't initiate contact with her. If she DOES contact you, keep your responses polite, but very short. Still, if it seems like she isn't taking the hint, that may be time to just tell her that you have feelings for her and if she doesn't feel the same that you need to move on.

Good luck to you either way. I hope things work out for you for the best, whether that involves winding up with her, or finding some other girl who makes you happy that perhaps you have not even met as of yet.

[Will198]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Yeah I do need to just crack on with what I need to do, I do have a date tomorrow so who knows how that will go. Think I need it to realise there are others out there.

I wouldn't just ignore her, I couldn't do that, as i think it is rude too but agree I shouldn't initiate, I need to keep my investment in her to the level she is willing to invest in me. I think I can be casual friends in that now and again I may meet for a drink etc if she wants to, we will probably run in to each other anyway if it's planned or not due to locality.

I think going all cards on the table would be a mistake although I want to, the fact she has come out of a long term relationship means that would probably kill any chance and make her run a mile if she is not ready.

Thanks for good luck wishes, just reading the replies and responding to them has helped my thoughts clear somewhat.

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes that is really all you need. It can help to get your thoughts written out and have somebody hear them and sympathize/empathize. Even if it is just us random weirdos on the world wide interweb. Well.... okay, so I can't vouch for the other members of this message board..... but they definitely don't make 'em any weirder than me. :-P

I do definitely agree with you that putting all your cards on the table would not be the best idea. Call that like a Plan Z. It's something to do if you otherwise have no choice, but best to just pump the breaks for now since you tried and she pulled back. It may just be that she is sincerely not ready right now. Maybe when she feels ready for a relationship she will actually reconsider you. The thing is, maybe it will be too little too late, because, again, I definitely don't think you should wait around hoping she does. If she turns out changing her mind, but by then you are already in your own relationship then that is her loss. Bottom line, though, usually when women use the "just freinds" line, that is unlikely to change. It's a little more of a gray area in the case of a recent break-up like she had, but still usually pretty difficult to turn that around.

Once again, good luck to you. I hope your date goes very well, and hopefully makes you forget all about your feelings for the other girl. :-)

[lightstar]

It is too soon. After being in a relationship for so long she needs time to figure out who she is, where she is going, what she wants and there is likely still some emotional baggage from the relationship which she needs to heal from before she is ready to commit to someone else.

A friend of mine was in a very similar situation with a girl who just got out of a relationship. We all told him it was a bad idea. He was basically just a rebound and then she ran back to her ex and a few years later is engaged with a new baby.

I think it would be wise to just move on and forget about her.

[Will198]

Thanks, I agree it is most likely too soon thinking about it logically (not emotionally like I have been). She seems to want to go out party all the time and do all the things she probably hasn't been doing which is fair enough I would probably be the same. I think us being close made it weird as dont think she thought or I did it would be like that so soon rather than just a bit of fun.

On the upside my date with the other girl went well, met for drinks and talked for 3 hours without any awkwardness and have alot In common and have arranged a second date. Completly different to first girl in alot of ways but I like that, crazy how that works out. So will heed the advice on here and keep a sensible distance from first girl and just see how it all pans out, time will tell.

Thanks all