Having issues wth my girlfriend

[Vincee]

Hi,

I never posted anything like this on a forum or whatsoever before, but since I don't know what to do and I want to save my relationship so badly I felt like this might be the right thing to do.

I am a dutch guy living in the Netherlands, and have a mexican girlfriend that also lives there. We've been together almost for a year now. We've had our fights and things in the past, but this time it's more serious.

It all started a while ago, when we got into a little fight. She works for a big steel manufacturer and she told me before that the majority of the employees are male, and that it's not unoccasional that some of those men hit on her, or act inappropriate towards her. She mentioned she was going to a company party, which she got invited to by a colleague ( it was for a different part of the company, so not for everyone ). I told her to be careful, since she was gonna be one of the few women in there and because the combination of those kind of employees and alcohol didn't really come across as a very nice one. Besides, I always tell her to be careful and let me know when she's home again, since she lives so far away it's a calming thought when she has to go somewhere at night and she arrives there safely.

She got very mad because she felt like I should not have said that, because she said it was a company event, she claimed that I said all of them hit on her ( which I did not, I even showed her the printscreen of what i actually said, because I said she told me some of them hit on her or act inappropriate, and I didn't really feel comfortable that she would be there ), and so on. I did not really understand why she got so mad about it, since I didnt accuse her of anything or blamed her for anything, I just told her to be careful as I always do, things can happen, like what if her car breaks down somewhere and she's alone?

The other thing that made it all worse, is the following. Quite a while ago she told me she was going on a holiday with a friend from new zealand that she met here in Holland ( a little bit before I met her ). The thing with that friend is, she slept with him. I do not feel comfortable she's traveling with a single male that she slept with before. We had some arguements about that before, but whenever I try to bring it up and talk to her about it to make it a bit less awkward, she gets mad straight away, gets very unreasonable and it becomes impossible to talk to her about it. I should say I absolutely trust her she wouldn't do something she shouldn't, as she hasn't done that before and I therefor have no reason to not trust her. However, I do not know him, and seeing what history they have I don't feel like I can just trust him like that.
I talked to her about it and said I would feel more comfortable if I could at least have spoken to him, so there could be a bit more mutual trust and respect. I sent him a message on facebook, in which I told him I would have appreciated it if he would have talked to me if he considers my girlfriend his friend, and not try and meet up with her behind my back. I also told him I would not like it if he would try anything with my girlfriend ( he tried talking her out of having a long distance relationship with me in the very beginning, and when we were still dating he sent her texts to ask her if she would come sleep with him again ), and I even said I would like to talk to him because she says she considers him a friend and if she does I'm sure he's an alright guy and I maybe could get along with him fine. Instead of even replying on that message, he just told my girlfriend I sent him ' a message ' and did not specify to her the exact contents of that message. She got really mad about it, even though at first she agreed that I could talk to him.

The latest development is that I tried talking to her after letting it cool down for a day, and she told me that it's weird and disrespectful I talk to her friend if I haven't met him before. There's a bit of a paradox, because she also says she doesnt want me to meet her friends, since they are her friends. I think it's normal to at least know your significant other's friends if you are in a relationship. I went to Mexico last summer and met some of her friends, both male and female, and could get along great with them. I do not see what is wrong about meeting friends if they really are friends.

There's more that happened since a lot has been said, so I don't think posting it all here is wise, would be an entire book. I would like to know if what I did or said is wrong, if I might not understand things. I am trying to really save our relationship since I love her so much and I do not want to lose her. I am afraid she is gonna do something impulsive ( as she is a very impulsive person ) and has even threatened to leave me multiple times, and even said things like ' fine I'll just cheat on you then '.

I really want our relationship back to normal, and I hope someone here can maybe help me/us out. Even if it's just a tiny bit.

If you need more information feel free to ask cause I think my post is kind of chaotic to read.

[fearoflove]

I can understand from both points of view. Your concerns are legitimate and she should have shown some attempts to show she is taking precautions as a sign of respect for you. But I also understand from her point of view that she doesn't want to be accused by you all the time and not showing trust in her. I think in this situation, you should just stop trying to control her. You really can't control her, right? If she wants to cheat on you, she can and there is nothing you can stop it. Just tell her that you were worried because you care/love her but that you would stop accusing her and bring these things up if it bothers her. And then, really stop it. But be attentive to any signs that she might be cheating.

[Vincee]

thanks for your reply. I am not sure what you mean with everything, especially what you said about controlling her. There is no wish to control her, and as I stated it's about safety and knowing someone is fine. She lives in Mexico and in the 2 months I've been there this summer, I've seen someone get threatened and robbed with a knife, a group of fellow students getting a gun pointed at their head by a taxi driver, and many more awful things. Whenever she goes out at night, I want her to have fun and enjoy her night but I also would like to know when she arrives home safely again. I never accused her of anything and I tell her all the time I trust her, that trusting her is not an issue but trusting her doesn't make that one lunatic that's out there think twice and pick a different target you know?

[Lilly328]

You don't sound controlling to me. More like a worried boyfriend. I know what you mean since I have been to mexico a few times. There are some dangerous place where people do get robbed during broad daylight. One of my professor was held at knife point for his watch.
just let her know you only care about her safety because you love her. And for that other guy, he is sketchy. But don't let him has that chance to snatch your girl away. You getting into fights with her will only allow him to add in fuel to fire.
If you trust your girl and she hasn't done anything wrong so far, you don't have to worry about that guy. Just like mentioned, be attentive of any cheating signs. I know it's hard and that will keep lingering in the back of your head, but sometimes a little trust goes a long way.

[lightstar]

She is in a committed relationship so she should not be going on holidays with another male-especially one she has history with.

And I question your trust in her? I would not trust her if it were me in your shoes. It is weird and shady she wants to travel with this guy that she barely knows that she slept with.

But I personally would not do long distance as trust can be a big issue and I think you have wasted enough time on this girl. If she doesn't have the common sense to know that her behavior is dodgy as well as dangerous then I would no longer waste my energy on someone who causes you so much angst and stress.

[Lilly328]

Son of a gun, I forgot about the vacation part until reading lightstar post. That's what happen when I read and post hours later after reading :/ will it only be them two going on that vacation?