What do you consider Cheating?

[treehugger101]

As the title says, what defines cheating?

[basilandthyme]

As the title says, what defines cheating?

Anything which you don't want your partner to know about.

If you're keeping certain aspects of a relationship with a 3rd person secret, it would be because you shouldn't be doing it.

[jimisss]

hmmm... cheating can be if during sexual intercourse he/she thinks about someone else... constantly.

But pretty much above explanation will do it!

[Braggs]

Sexual thoughts about another person alone are grounds for cheating in my eyes.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, that is something of an impossible question to answer. That can be a very long list or can be a very short list. It's also a very subjective thing. What IS cheating in one person's mind may not be in another's.

I think this is almost more of a check-list kind of situation. Like, in other words, you could say "Do you think XYZ is cheating" and we could say yes or no. To just list the things we do or don't consider cheating would be nearly impossible.

For the record, cheating can be physical/sexual, but it can also be emotional, mental, etc. In other words, the actual act of cheating isn't the only thing that can be considered "cheating."

Braggs,

You'd perhaps have to clarify what you mean by "sexual thoughts" about another person. I'm about the most proper and fiercely loyal person you could ever meet.... especially as it relates to being in a relationship. In truth, when I am in a relationship, in my mind I have eyes only for that one woman. ....But even I have to admit that people can't help having "sexual thoughts" about others even when they are in a relationship. You can't help who you do and do not find attractive. You don't cease to be human just because you are in a relationship. The important thing is not to act on them and, really, not to WANT to act on them in the first place. You should care enough about your partner to know that you would NEVER cheat on them because A)you'd never want to hurt them and B)you'd never want to lose them.

[treehugger101]

Yeah, I guess everyone has their own points of view on it. Would you consider having thoughts of contacting someone and thinking of wanting to date them but you never contacted them, is considered cheating?

[melancholia]

I consider it cheating when you act on behavior with another person that you wouldn't do with your partner around. This includes: sexual physical contact (anything from kissing all the way through to sex); and emotional contact you would normally reserve for your relationship, i.e. going on dates and executing other relationship bonding rituals, talking about sexual acts/fantasies etc., saying 'I love you' or using terms of endearment with someone other than your partner.

Having said that, after being in a serious, long term relationship for five years that was extremely unhealthy, I am very cautious when it comes to exclusivity with a partner. I want to be sure that the person I am with has the same expectations as I do, and that we are both on the same page about what we want from our relationship together. Being open and honest with someone you are dating is extremely important, and showing respect to the individual and your relationship together should be first priority. If you have discussed exclusivity with someone and you have both agreed not to see/date/sleep with other people, then don't. If you aren't ready for that level of maturity and responsibility within a relationship, that's okay; but don't make the mistake of getting into a serious relationship with someone before you are ready to make that commitment.

[TheEvilJester]

Definitely an important distinction melancholia pointed out there. If two people aren't really exclusive at the time, then there isn't really much that would/should be considered "cheating." If it is understood that both parties are not yet at the point where they consider themselves exclusive, and therefore both are free to date others, then I'm not sure much of anything would really be cheating (though I am sure there are still some lines).

Once things are exclusive and you are considered a couple, that is when the boundaries of what each considers acceptable become very important.

Yeah, I guess everyone has their own points of view on it. Would you consider having thoughts of contacting someone and thinking of wanting to date them but you never contacted them, is considered cheating?

That one is a bit of a gray area. Some might argue that is a form of emotional cheating. Sure, it is a very minor offense since at least the party involved chose not to act on those feelings. Though, some may argue it is a form of emotional cheating because you shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody, but thinking of wanting to date somebody else.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel on that one except for the fact that I think it is at least a telling sign. I would think most people, if happy in their relationship, wouldn't be thinking of other people they may want to date. Again, not that we cease to be human. We still find people attractive, and/or even may think back sometimes to people we used to like and ponder what could have been..... but to actually be thinking of wanting to date somebody else, whether you act on it or not, would sort of make me personally ponder if something is wrong with the existing relationship. So, if nothing else, some serious soul-searching may be in order so said party could decided whether or not he/she is happy in the current relationship, and what (if anything) can be done to fix it if they are not.

[lightstar]

Cheating can be sexual or emotional.

Sexual includes kissing, sexual contact or intercourse but can also be cyber sexual cheating (dating sites, social media, exchanging pictures or videos etc) some people are also not okay with porn which needs to be discussed if that is an issue for you.

emotional cheating is when you are too close to a third party and develop feelings for them. Sometimes it may go no further but could cause a breakup before they pursue the third party or sometimes it becomes a full affair.

[TheEvilJester]

Lightstar brings up a good point, as a matter of fact. Would "porno" be considered cheating? I would guess that is very much up to personal interpretation. I, myself, am not really all that interested in pornographic materials, though I hold no judgment for those who are interested.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel, but I kind of lean towards thinking it generally isn't cheating. I say generally because I think it CAN be in a case where somebody is addicted/more interested in that than they are in their partner. In general, though, it may not be my thing personally, but it seems like most people these days explore it to at least some degree. Supposedly even when in a relationship. So, if it is that prevalent, I tend to think of it as being a little more innocent. It's one of those things, I guess, where people are human and have needs.

Not sure though. Again, very subjective, but I thought it was perhaps an interesting topic for discussion.

[melancholia]

I don't believe watching porn or masturbating equates to cheating. Porn isn't real life, and everyone is allowed to touch their body however way they want. Porn/sex addiction is not the same thing as jerking off to a few adult films. Porn/sex addiction is a serious addiction, that affects the person's life severely, just like any other addiction. Also, the line between watching porn regularly and sex addiction is huge.

[lightstar]

I don't think the line is huge. I think in today's world there is a very blurred line. Sex is everywhere and it is losing its emotional meaning not just because of porn but everything. TV, soaps, social media, celebrities.. Even music has turned into porn with videos of half naked people everywhere. It is no wonder marriages are not lasting and divorce rates are so high. We are in a world where instant gratification is more important than any meaning or long term values.

I don't think porn is cheating but I do think its too prevalent in our society

[melancholia]

None of that has anything to do with addiction, which is a serious disease and mental illness. The line is huge, people claim to be sex addicts so people will pity them for being sexually insatiable. Too many people throw that around these days to save face, because if they have an addiction, they can't help it and it lets them off easier with the people in their life who are bothered by it. Look at all the celebrities caught cheating on their spouses, the first thing they claim is sex addiction. I call bullsh*t on that. The problem is people aren't looking at porn for what it is, which is fake. They look at it as if that's what sex should be, so they are disappointed when they find out that sex in real life is not the same as in porn.

Regardless, the question asked was whether or not we consider watching porn to be a form of cheating. I do not classify watching porn as cheating.

[benfletcher82]

Anything that your partner keeps a secret from you, doesn't want you to know about, or does behind your back.

[TheEvilJester]

Couldn't agree with you both more, lightstar and melancholia. I also agree that our society is too sexualized these days. There is nothing wrong with sex, nothing wrong with nudity, heck, even nothing wrong with porno..... in the right settings and in moderation. These days, it feels like that stuff is too thrown in our faces. What happened to the days when sex was a beautiful thing for two consenting and loving adults to share with each other..... and keep part of their PRIVATE life? God, I was so born in the wrong time period.

I also agree that too many people throw around the "sex addiction" excuse because they think then they can get away with their wrongdoings. I am sure there are some people who have a legitimate sex addiction and sincerely do need help. However, there is a big difference between a legitimate addiction and you just being a disgusting excuse for a human being who just does whatever he/she wants and doesn't care if he/she hurts people in the process.

But, pretending for a minute some of these supposed sex addicts truly ARE addicted..... okay, but being addicted doesn't make it OKAY to keep making the same offenses. It is like they expect people to think "Oh, he's a sex addict? Okay, then he should be able to have sex with any man/woman/farm animal/inanimate object he wants and his girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband shouldn't have any problem with that." Yyyyyeah, no. Sorry, but having an addiction means you need to do something to try to fix it.

Again, I should have been born into a different time period. LOL!