Am I being too snob?

[johanna1]

Hi all,

I met a guy through match.com. We have been texting for 2 weeks everyday before we actually went on the first date. Even before we personally met, he seemed a very, very nice man. His pictures on match looked ok so I thought he is cute enough to meet. We found out that we have lots in common while texting. I actually forgot to mention that we live about 1 hour away from each other with no traffic.

We finally went on a date two weeks ago...He was nice enough to drive to my area. I picked the restaurant. We had a great time together sharing lots of things we had in common. We even had some chemistry and he kissed me at the end of the night. HOWEVER, even though it all seems perfect with him (personality, chemistry) I don't think he is the right guy for me. He looks a little heavy for me and I even think he has a problem with a leg because I think he was limping (not sure though). Even though we had chemistry, i keep thinking I want something better in looks. he is my height and a little heavy. I want a taller guy and thinner. But it is strange because I did find myself attractive to him...

Also, I have graduate studies and a very good job. He doesn't...he seems the type of a country boy who works as a manager at a sign store, went to college (I think) and since his divorce (he sold his house during the divorce) he has been paying rent/living in his parents house because he is taking care of them (83 years old and 76 years old). But is seems strange that he still lives with his folks...he told me that he is saving money right now because he wants to get his own place. He seems a very simple country boy...NEVER been exposed to Italian food, Greek foods, and other things that I even found shocking. He was nice dressed on his first date except for the fact that he was wearing an old pair of sneakers, jeans and a black shirt. I was fine with everything except for his sneakers. I feel like I am this City girl, way too educated and way too sophisticated for him...

I like him and I know he like me too ( a lot). I decided to give him another change so we will go out again this weekend. He will drive again for at least one hour to come and see me. There have been 2 weeks since the last date (he has his kids every other week, for a whole week - which I understand because I have kids. I actually admire him a lot for taking care of his kids for a whole week) and we have been texting every day for the entire day. We always find topics to discuss and even if we text to check on each other, or say good morning or good night....

I don't know what to do...I came out of a very abusive marriage and I want to have a good man. He seems to be the good man I am looking for but he does not meet my standards. Am I being a snob??? Please help! Please!

Thank you!

[johanna1]

Can anyone provide any feedback to my post please!!!

[Jffs24]

You have particular preferences is what I read, but you know no one is perfect so you'll never find mr.perfect but if the dude isn't up to the standards you have in mind for yourself, don't lead him on or waste his time [ like having him drive an hour to see you ] let him down easily -- then update your profile to make it clearer what you want in a guy, ie, no fat dudes, your height requirement and education level etc etc.

[johanna1]

Thank you so much for your reply. I agree with you but on the other hand he is a very nice man and friends are telling me that looks are not everything. In a relationship (especially after a divorce), I should look for a man who will treat me nice, respect me and love me. I will meet him again this weekend and I will decide...however I think it is wrong of me to let someone go just because of his looks. This is a battle I carry right now. Should I be with him because he is a nice man and I know he will treat me right? Or should I let him go because I don't like his looks so much or his academic level? what is more important?

[relblogger]

He didn't meet your standards.

NEXT

There are plenty of good guys out there that will meet your standards. If you take less than you feel what you deserve then that is a recipe for disaster.

Please stop trying to convince yourself otherwise

I'd also suggest some form of counselling and/or therapy before you even think about dating again if you haven't already. As a man that's seen some pretty horrific relationship stuff in the past I definitely know how badly these people can make you feel about yourself, and that you're not worth anything. When, in actual fact you are bloody amazing.

Get the man you feel that YOU deserve.

[johanna1]

relblogger





Thank you relblogger for your feedback. Theoretically speaking, there are lots of good men out there but in 3 years I haven't met one. This guy is the first nice guy I've met since my divorce. It may take another 3 years to find someone again. Do you think I should continue dating him as see where it goes? What if I don't find anyone else? I have been abused in my marriage and this guy is so great compared to my ex. I am afraid to let him go...what if I make a mistake by letting him go?





relblogger is offline

[dontaskme]

You've only known him for a brief time. What do you know about him besides what he wants to show to impress you? Your desperation to be with a guy right away will steer you to pick another shitty and unsuitable relationship.

Keep on dating and find someone fitting to your standards.

[relblogger]

That's basically what I was trying to say ^^

Don't be too quick to jump into another relationship.

Enjoy life

[johanna1]

To answer your question:

We have talked a lot: he is divorced because his wife cheated on him and married that guy. He takes care of his kids a full week (every other week). He has been married for 15 years. He doesn't drink, smoke, etc....He has been hurt so he is also very cautious....He was dating his wife since high school and married her. He didn't really have lots of girlfriends...He has 2 brothers (I know about them) and his parents he is taken care of.
So I know a lot about him... He wants pretty much what I want from a relationship. We are not in a relationship (I know he would like to)...we are currently at the "dating" stage.

[TheEvilJester]

You have particular preferences is what I read, but you know no one is perfect so you'll never find mr.perfect

No. Sadly he passed away years ago. R.I.P. Curt Hennig.

But, to answer seriously....

Your friends are right that looks aren't everything. Heck, on the surface, my personal gut reaction was "So, he wears jeans and sneakers and is A LITTLE heavy, and this is enough for you to think he isn't worth your while?"

Are you being too shallow/judging too much based on appearance? To be perfectly honest..... maybe not. That's not really as black and white as people make it out to seem. You can't help who/what you do and do not find attractive. In fact, this sort of issue goes both ways. One the one hand, don't you think he deserves to be with somebody who does find him attractive? Yet.... on the other hand, don't you feel you deserve to be with somebody who you find attractive? You shouldn't feel like you are settling.

Now, sometimes there may be things you wouldn't normally find attractive, but you hit it off with the right person and you don't even care/notice. So, if he's "a little heavy" but it legitimately doesn't bother you even if it normally would.... then yeah, that is a case of don't judge somebody based solely on looks. If, however, it DOES bother you, then chances are that is unlikely to change. In fact, it may only get worse. Just because he's a great guy, that doesn't automatically mean he's the right guy for you.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we ALL judge our potential mates at least partly based on looks/physical appearance. It's human nature. We want to be with somebody we find attractive. There is nothing wrong with that. If somebody's standards are impossibly high, that is THEIR loss. Are yours impossibly high? I can't say. Only you could really answer that. I will say, I don't think it sounds like they are, but I can't really know without knowing you better. I'm just some faceless creature on the interwebs.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you do decide what you feel is best.

[johanna1]

TheEvilJester,

You really touched what it is bothering me....
"So, he wears jeans and sneakers and is A LITTLE heavy, and this is enough for you to think he isn't worth your while?""
That's something I have been thinking of...Am I being so mean NOT giving him a chance just because of his looks?
From my experience I see that the very well looking guys are the ones who make us suffer. The good guys are scarred. I know I am not perfect either...physically...I may NOT look attractive to other guys but I am attractive to him. Yes, Just like you said "Now, sometimes there may be things you wouldn't normally find attractive, but you hit it off" we did hit it off from the start. There was chemistry between us and I am shocked because I know myself....I wouldn't usually feel attracted to anyone who is "a little heavier". I have this big contradiction in my mind....heavy looking and not meeting all my standards, HOWEVER, on the other side...We had a great time together and he always makes me smile with his texts or calls. We have lot in common and we always find things to talk about: sharing the same views on a relationship, hobbies, interests, and life in general. SO THAT is my contradictions....my confusion...Yes, my expectations are high but I find the guys who meet my standards are jerks because they KNOW they look handsome or they KNOW they have a great job so they think they are better than you. Do I make sense? I really liked what you said....you expressed everything even better than I did...

[melancholia]

There are too many responses here for me to read them all, so forgive me if I'm repeating anything that's already been said. I think you should give him another chance. See how the second date goes, and try to look past his appearance. I understand that appearance is important when you are dating. I care about looks just as much as I care about personality, ambition, education, and all of those other qualities that attract me to a person. It's not wrong to have standards, but clearly you do see something attractive in this person. Give it another chance, and if you still aren't feeling it, maybe you would be better off as friends. Although, be prepared for him not to respond well to that (if a friendship is what you want), because generally people on dating sites aren't looking for new friends.

I don't think you should apologize for your standards and what you find attractive in a person. We are all attracted to different qualities, and we all place importance on different things. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, the only thing that would be wrong is if you are not being honest with this guy. If he is as nice as he sounds, I would hate to see him be lead on by someone who isn't looking for the same thing he is. Having said that, you could grow to become more attracted to him (physically) as you get to know him.

Best of luck to you in the dating game, I know it's not easy!

[relblogger]

No. Sadly he passed away years ago. R.I.P. Curt Hennig.

But, to answer seriously....

Your friends are right that looks aren't everything. Heck, on the surface, my personal gut reaction was "So, he wears jeans and sneakers and is A LITTLE heavy, and this is enough for you to think he isn't worth your while?"

Are you being too shallow/judging too much based on appearance? To be perfectly honest..... maybe not. That's not really as black and white as people make it out to seem. You can't help who/what you do and do not find attractive. In fact, this sort of issue goes both ways. One the one hand, don't you think he deserves to be with somebody who does find him attractive? Yet.... on the other hand, don't you feel you deserve to be with somebody who you find attractive? You shouldn't feel like you are settling.

Now, sometimes there may be things you wouldn't normally find attractive, but you hit it off with the right person and you don't even care/notice. So, if he's "a little heavy" but it legitimately doesn't bother you even if it normally would.... then yeah, that is a case of don't judge somebody based solely on looks. If, however, it DOES bother you, then chances are that is unlikely to change. In fact, it may only get worse. Just because he's a great guy, that doesn't automatically mean he's the right guy for you.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we ALL judge our potential mates at least partly based on looks/physical appearance. It's human nature. We want to be with somebody we find attractive. There is nothing wrong with that. If somebody's standards are impossibly high, that is THEIR loss. Are yours impossibly high? I can't say. Only you could really answer that. I will say, I don't think it sounds like they are, but I can't really know without knowing you better. I'm just some faceless creature on the interwebs.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you do decide what you feel is best.

This response was fricken awesome!!

What an empowering preply

[johanna1]

You are actually the first one telling me to go out with him again and give him another chance. I will see him tomorrow night and I can update you all in how the date was. I might be even more confused! I am giving him another chance.

Thank you so much for your input!

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks, [MENTION=82508]relblogger[/MENTION].

TheEvilJester,

You really touched what it is bothering me....
"So, he wears jeans and sneakers and is A LITTLE heavy, and this is enough for you to think he isn't worth your while?""
That's something I have been thinking of...Am I being so mean NOT giving him a chance just because of his looks?
From my experience I see that the very well looking guys are the ones who make us suffer. The good guys are scarred. I know I am not perfect either...physically...I may NOT look attractive to other guys but I am attractive to him. Yes, Just like you said "Now, sometimes there may be things you wouldn't normally find attractive, but you hit it off" we did hit it off from the start. There was chemistry between us and I am shocked because I know myself....I wouldn't usually feel attracted to anyone who is "a little heavier". I have this big contradiction in my mind....heavy looking and not meeting all my standards, HOWEVER, on the other side...We had a great time together and he always makes me smile with his texts or calls. We have lot in common and we always find things to talk about: sharing the same views on a relationship, hobbies, interests, and life in general. SO THAT is my contradictions....my confusion...Yes, my expectations are high but I find the guys who meet my standards are jerks because they KNOW they look handsome or they KNOW they have a great job so they think they are better than you. Do I make sense? I really liked what you said....you expressed everything even better than I did...

I do think I lean towards agreeing with melancholia that you should at least give him a chance. To me, you sound uncertain enough that I wouldn't say you should make a decision yet either way. In my original post, I didn't advise you to keep dating him.... but I didn't advise you to stop either. More so, my intention was to imply you sort of need to determine which is the case here...

A) It's a case of things that would normally bother you, or cause you to find a guy unattractive, not bothering you because there is just something about this guy that just works for you...

Or

B) It's a case of you liking the guy, so you WANT to ignore the things that would normally bother you, or cause you to find a guy unattractive.... but you can't help that it still bothers you.

Believe me, I understand that won't necessarily be an easy question to answer. I don't mean to imply it is simple. I guess it really comes down to just how much he violates what is your normal idea of attractive. Again, you described him as "a little heavy," so maybe that's not heavy enough to be make or break for you. Maybe that's sort of more "I do ideally like my guys just a little more fit, but I still find him very attractive anyway."

As a few of us have highlighted, there's no such thing as perfect. You are very unlikely to find somebody who is exactly everything you want. Heck, physical fitness can change. Maybe you'd date a guy who DOES match your ideal physical appearances.... but he'd later let himself go and that would change. That said, that still doesn't mean you should settle. If those few little things about him matter to you ENOUGH, then that might mean he's just not right for you. Again, though, if they don't matter enough for it to be a deal breaker for you, then maybe that makes him all that much more right for you.

I'm sorry. I know I'm sort of giving advice that basically amounts to telling you that you need to figure it out. I don't mean it to come across that way, but this is just one of those situations where we can't really tell you for sure what to do without knowing you/him/the situation better. So, really, we can only offer our thoughts and advice and hopefully help you kind of think it out and rationalize. Sometimes, honestly, I find that does help a lot, though. So, I hope I was at least able to help to some degree even if I couldn't offer specific advice as to which way you should go.

But, as I said, I do definitely lean toward agreeing with melancholia that you should at least keep trying with this guy. As she said, though, don't lead him too long without deciding. To me, the very fact that you feel drawn to this guy despite him maybe not being quite your normal idea of a mate says something. So, don't toss that aside without at least giving yourself the chance to explore it. Heck, as for the t-shirt and jeans type thing, maybe that is just his relaxed state. I'm sure if you went out to some sort of special event, he'd have a fancier manner of dress that maybe you'd like more.

I, for one, am very much a t-shirt and jeans type of guy. At home and on my off time, that is basically always my style of clothing. However, I clean up really nicely. When the event calls for it, I can look pretty darn snazzy. Perhaps the same can be said for your fella.

Anyway, as I said, good luck to you. Sincerely. I truly hope you are able to figure it out and decide what you think is best. Above all, I wish you the utmost happiness, whatever that winds up meaning for you.