Inappropriate?

[Teekymitchell]

Hi.
I am sick of my obsessive brain making up all sorts of intrusive images so I have come along to ask for some advice.
My partner is 1 of 3 partners at a medium sized accountancy firm. (So he is one of three bosses)
He is only 31 years old and the other bosses are in their 50's.
They have recently hired some accountants in the Philippines and it was his turn to head over and spend a week there for work. One of his employees, a 25 year old single pretty thin girl is the one that has accompanied him there to assist with training. Now, every other employee they have is over 40.
Is it inappropriate for the young boss and the 25 year old single girl to go together?
Let me also say my partner has never given me reason to not trust him with his faithfulness. But it is doing my head in and I think it's innapropriate!
Or am I hust being over reactive and insecure????

[halfloved]

If you think about it too much it will start to mess with you! If she is pretty and thin and young then you can bet your man is attracted to her but since you trust him and he's always been faithful as far as you know then you should totally chalk it up to being paranoid. I would feel threatened too but at the end of the day he's coming home to you and loving you and choosing you! If they travel together ALL the time and start spending too much time together and or his behavior changes in noticeable or troubling ways then that is another post! I think the more you think about it though the more it might become a thing! I totally understand where you are coming from though.

[Teekymitchell]

I should probably also have mentioned they caught the plane together, are at the same hotel, share a car to the workplace and back. I am even wondering when he says he is going to take a dip in the pool of she is dipping in the pool too? And tonight both of them and a few of the phillipines colleagues are going out to dinner and hitting the night life!

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, was it his decision to bring her? I would guess it probably was not necessarily his sole decision. They are staying at the same hotel, but I doubt that means they are sharing the same room. Believe me, I understand how you feel. I think a lot of people would be concerned as well, but I do think this is one time where it is just your imagination running wild on you (not unlike Hulkamania :-P ).

If your fella has never given you any reason to doubt him, why suspect that would change now? He's on a business trip, and this woman works for his company. There may come times when they have to work together. Unless he gives you reason for concern, try not to let it bother you. Believe me, I know that is SO much easier said than done, but in time if he continues to prove trustworthy, it will become easier.

This woman works for his company, so it isn't like you can expect them never to work together. Hopefully he is as good a man as you say. Good luck to you. Hopefully he only ever further proves his trust, and it helps you to be more comfortable with the situation.

[melancholia]

Why does it matter how old she is and what she looks like? Why would it be inappropriate for the boss to bring a younger colleague with him on a trip? Maybe she's spoken to him about moving up in the work place and she is taking the opportunity to learn from him. Why would you automatically assume something inappropriate is going on? Is there trouble in your relationship? Are you worried your partner is going to cheat on you with this woman, on their business trip? Do you trust your partner? Do you trust that he takes his job seriously? It is possible he would cheat on you, but he could cheat on you with anyone, it doesn't have to be a woman who works under him at his own firm. I wonder why you are assuming the worst of your partner right now.

[Teekymitchell]

please see our msgs below.

He told me about his night out and I asked him who went etc and if all the guys were single.

Yes all single young guys. 1 party animal excellent host, his mate that works 4 another accounting firm 4 now and 1 that doesnt speak a word.
Took us 2 "walking street in angeles city" google it lloyd had big smile on his face all nite as thought i would get touched but didnt thank ****. Im bit pissy but tried new food good drinks and ready 4 bed. Give sammy kiss ill b up 4 next 10min if u wana chat and debrief

I replied:

Again is the "us" you and Grace? Is she a single thing guy? This is what is worrying me - you ignore any questions and don't freely give me information which makes it seem like it's sneaky sneaky.

He then said:

**** that u have no idea. Wish u had studied then u would understand. If u dont trust me disappointing u dont respect grace cos she is moving up in our business (and b4 u ask based on other partners views excluding mine). Waste of time me contacting u if thats all thats on ur mind.

I then said:

Wish I had studied? Ok sorry to have even mentioned her u r obviously protective and the fact that you don't ease my mind just defend says enough. I don't want to know anymore

He then said:

Wot i mesnt from studied was neither of us have got 2 where we r 2 throw it away and do anything as stupid as wots in your head. Maybe at optus with no qualifications but very different situation. She will b part of our business 4 long time hopefully so except or just stop now. I work with lots of clients with her and aint going 2 stop due to insecurity. Thought u asking questions 2day was turning point but same old shit which 2 be honest is waste of time 4 me cos ive felt positive excluding us and need 2 continue feeling good. Sick of shit. Glad u dont wana no anymore cos **** nothing more 2 say other than disappointed as definately we had no relationship with no trust end of story

I said:

Oh so that's why u aren't hooking up? Coz u r both intellectual and don't want to throw your careers away? Cheers for clarifying.
Good luck to you both
U have me in tears before work. Your attitude of pretending like she isn't there by saying all single guys and then coming back to me defending her saying she is going to be around so get over it - no wonder I'm ****ed up

He said:

Shes an employee and wont be last. If im going 2 be questioned over every employee on future just not worth it and comes down 2 not knowing me or my ethics but hey u probably dont care bout knowing who i am. Ur upset. All im used 2 is feeling flat like this for over 12 months. I cant control how u feel and unfortunately 2 b honest not my problem u r that insecure. With this and wot u discussed today u need 2 look and deal with ur past b4 u can move 4ward


So please tell me what your interpretation would be of all this? As my mind is way too full of so much confusion to know anything at the moment.

- - - Updated - - -

Perhaps it's that I don't trust all females, particularly thin young ones that are trying to move up in the work place. I don't know to be honest, I just feel off in my mind and intuition and I am driving myself crazy

[melancholia]

My interpretation is that he is on a business trip and you are consistently bombarding him with accusatory texts and messages because you do not trust him. Why don't you trust him when he tells you there is nothing going on between him and his colleague? Has he cheated on you before? Is there a pattern of his nefarious behavior that is leading you to believe he would be unfaithful to you? It sounds to me like you expect him to cheat on you. The problem isn't that you are worried, it's that you are unwilling to believe what he says and trust him. If you can't trust your partner, then why are you together?

[Wakeup]

I think he is finished with you and your continued insecurity. Prior to him going on a business trip with a colleague were you always questioning his fidelity? It sounds like he's pretty fed up with always being accused of not being trustworthy.

I think you're with the wrong man if you are that insecure and you feel like you do that he does nothing to reassure you. I did notice some deflecting rather then answering direct questions on his part, though.

Anyway, you're handling your insecurity in every way wrong. You shouldn't be bringing this up when he's contacting you from his trip. You sound like a jealous psycho. Instead of doing what you're doing, you should be keeping yourself and your mind busy with friends and your own interests and activities and just enjoying your conversation/facetime with him when he has the time to connect with you.

You are showing a bad side of yourself to him. If you're that uneasy about his trip with her then you should discuss your reaction to it when he gets back and if you can't resolve your anxiety then you should leave him.

[Teekymitchell]

Thanks - I sincerely appreciate your help and comments.
I hate having these feelings and I guess if he said straight up " I'm not interested / not attracted / stop being silly" then I can only hope this would have eased my mind.
But instead he has avoided any mention of her and says that it would ruin his career so they both wouldn't be that stupid.
I analyse everything and I don't want to be a psycho insecure woman - that's why this forum is helping me a lot so thanku

[melancholia]

I think calling you a psycho is extreme. You aren't psychotic, you are worried about your partner's ability to stay faithful to you. A lot of people struggle with the same feelings. I think you need to get to the root of why you have these feelings. Where are they coming from? Why do you disregard what your husband says when he tells you nothing is going on between them? We all have different ways of communicating, and we can use different language to express ourselves. Clearly you and your husband have very different ways of communicating, and I think you need to try and find a way to communicate more effectively. I think you may yield better results if you stop using passive aggressive language, and start using "I feel" statements. Try talking to your partner in a way that is not accusatory, because the moment you start using accusatory/confrontational language, your partner will shut down and you won't be able to get anywhere. I think you should explain how you feel as best as you can, but more importantly, you need to listen to your husband and what he is saying. If there are other, bigger underlying issues within your relationship, you will need to address those before you can expect to move forward.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't comment with the full understanding of the situation as I have not been a party to your relationship with him or your past relationships. However, just from what you have shared with us, and especially given your above text exchanges with him, here are my honest opinions....

It sounds to me like you've constantly given into your paranoia so much that you accuse him of wrongdoing even though he's done none and given you no reason to think he would. It sounds to me, as well, like he's starting to get at the end of his rope with it and getting fed up with your jealousy and mistrust. It sounds to me like, if you don't get a handle on this very soon, you could lose him.

All of that said, please do not misunderstand. I'm not saying that to blame you, or to give advice that basically amounts to "Knock it the Hell off!" Believe me, I understand how you feel. I fully believe, with all of the cold black void where I'm supposed to have a heart, that if you COULD control these jealous feelings you have, you WOULD. I fully believe that it isn't as though you WANT to treat him this way, you just can't help your doubts, and can't help yourself but act on them.

What he said to you in the above text exchange you shared is basically exactly what we've all been saying. He works with her, so there are likely to be situations where they will be working directly together, or attending the same business trips. In addition, there are likely to be other women he will work with in his career. He can't just refuse to work with them. That would be wildly unprofessional and likely cause him to lose his job. So, unless he's proven to be an untrustworthy snake, he certainly shouldn't have to put up with this same kind of mistrust every time some new co-worker comes along that happens not to share his gender.

Many of us have asked and you haven't really directly answered... Has he ever given you reason to doubt his loyalty? Has he ever cheated on you in the past? If he HAS, then I sure as heck could understand your mis-trust. Even if he HAS, though, then you either need to decide you are going to trust him again (as long as the pattern just doesn't continue) or decide that you can't and you just need to end it.

If he's never done anything to prove untrustworthy, then you need to stop treating him as though he has, or as though it is just inevitable that eventually he will. Have you had a past with other men who have cheated on you? If so, I can even more so understand how you feel, but don't punish him for some other jerk's mistakes.

Again, I don't mean this to all sound like I am just pointing the finger of blame at you. I understand how you feel, and I'm sure you would happily flip a switch to turn it off if it were that simple. The very fact that you came here tells me you accept the possibility that maybe you are overreacting and that maybe that needs to change. If you can afford it and wouldn't be terribly opposed to it, I would suggest talking to a professional. A therapist. I know a lot of people have a stigma about that, but there is NO weakness in accepting help when you need it.

You've obviously got some unresolved hurt feelings from your past, and it would be in your best interest to deal with that so you can finally heal and stop torturing yourself. You deserve to be happy and to be with somebody you can trust. If you refuse to ever trust anybody, that will never happen. Good luck to you. Really, I sincerely do hope you find your way through this and find the right guy for you, whether that winds up being him or not.

[Wakeup]

I think calling you a psycho is extreme.

I think you should reread what you're reading instead of putting things in peoples mouths. I said she 'SOUNDS' like a psycho." To call her one, I would have had to say "You are a psycho."

Op: Thank you for being gracious enough to know the difference and reading that with a grain of salt.

[melancholia]

Oh please, Wakeup, get off your high horse. Whether you directly called her a psycho or not, I stand by what I said and think throwing that judgmental tone around is unnecessary. You don't always need to comment on every single thing I say, especially when I do not address you directly and I am speaking to another individual on this site. Take that with a grain of salt, Wakeup.

[sabaazam]

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[TheEvilJester]

Spam your spam somewhere else, spambot!