How do you deal with liars?

[breathe123]

Little white lies, or bigger ones?

Trying to assist a girlfriend to get to the truth from what you'd call the horses mouth ( person who is lying )

Any good tips you've used that works? Thanks.

[melancholia]

Recognize that everybody lies, and you cannot control other people's behavior. People lie for different reasons. Maybe they are afraid of the perceived consequences of telling the truth; or maybe they don't want to offer more of an explanation, so they leave a piece out, or they feel it's "easier" to cover it up with a little lie.

Question for you, OP: how do you know this person is lying? Why are you getting yourself involved with your friend's relationship?

[breathe123]

Thanks for answering my question, melancholia.

Is that what you think & do when confronted with liars in your life, dating, friends, work or family? Think everybody lies & an accept it ~ don't you push for honesty?

I know from her & actual things you can see with own eyes that are deliberate lies to her about his own life. Plus she knows I don't like him too much for her, & sometimes feels my advice is horribly bias, which is to extents. So impartial internet peoples won't be.

I am making this for her because she won't & we are good friends since 14 years old & this stuff with a particular male & her has been going on for several years & she cries on it ~ so I care & voila this thread has been created. She can look for herself & read, I won't publicly post her intimate details on it but if allowed by her can share privately if any needs to know.

What I do & have done in the past is if lies are beyond reasonable for me & too hurtful I cut that person out of my life when the behaviours are regularly repeated. I feel that is normal for most.

[melancholia]

Thanks for answering my question, melancholia.

Is that what you think & do when confronted with liars in your life, dating, friends, work or family? Think everybody lies & an accept it ~ don't you push for honesty?

I choose to trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them. When I find out that someone lied to me, that trust is broken; however, I do weigh their lie and try and see it for what it is. I try and determine whether the lie is a small, white lie; or if it is a big lie that could damage me, my life, or other people close to me. Of course I push for honesty from people I am close to, I think we all do. But I do think it's important to recognize that even the people who are the most sincere and truthful, still lie; and that is out of our control.

I know from her & actual things you can see with own eyes that are deliberate lies to her about his own life. Plus she knows I don't like him too much for her, & sometimes feels my advice is horribly bias, which is to extents. So impartial internet peoples won't be.

I am making this for her because she won't & we are good friends since 14 years old & this stuff with a particular male & her has been going on for several years & she cries on it ~ so I care & voila this thread has been created. She can look for herself & read, I won't publicly post her intimate details on it but if allowed by her can share privately if any needs to know.

What I do & have done in the past is if lies are beyond reasonable for me & too hurtful I cut that person out of my life when the behaviours are regularly repeated. I feel that is normal for most.

So your friend does know that her partner is lying to her about certain things, and you have tried to talk to her about it? I can guess that you've more than likely given her your opinion on what she should do, how she should feel, and what she should think about her partner and his lying? I guarantee that isn't really helping her. Your duty as a friend is to be there for her. Support, encourage, and love her unconditionally. Be there for her when she is at her worst, and celebrate with her when she is at her best. When she comes to you with problems in her life, it is not up to you to solve it -- it's up to her. You can be there for her, console her, and offer your support, but you can't make her do anything. If she is willing to look past her partner's shitty behavior, that's her choice and her choice alone. Whether you like the guy she is dating or not is irrelevant. What matters is that she likes him, and every time you say something bad about him, or try and talk her out of the relationship, it is not going to push her away from the boyfriend, it will push her away from you. I say this because I know what it's like to be with someone that people don't like. I have also been on the other side and have tried to convince people to end relationships when they weren't necessarily ready to. I had to leave when I was ready to, not because other people told me to. Every time someone came at me and gave me unsolicited "advice" about breaking up with him, it hurt me more than it helped me. I wanted people to be supportive and encouraging of me, and I needed people to just listen. Maybe that is what your friend needs.

If you know something about her boyfriend that she doesn't know already, and it is a serious issue that could damage her emotionally, mentally, or physically, then absolutely talk to her about that and voice your concerns; but you need to understand that she may not be ready to deal with it right now. Also, she most likely already does know, and she could be in denial, or maybe it's not as serious to her as it seems to someone outside of their relationship.

My main point here, is that you can voice your concerns and talk to your friend about how you feel about her partner, but to her it doesn't matter how you feel about him, it matters how she feels about him. She will not leave him unless she is ready to leave him. If he constantly lies to her, and has some kind of sinister instinct to hurt her in some way, then she needs to deal with that and learn that she deserves more than that.

[lovesickheart]

This is so much like my bff and myself! Haha! She had an ex that was a bonafide scam artist and cheated on her and lied to her repeatedly. She knew all these things, we talked about all these things over emergency breakfast meetings frequently.
You don't have to prove anything to her Breathe123, she already knows the truth. It infuriates YOU because you care about her, know she deserves better, and cant stand seeing this creep treating your best friend like this... you want him out of her life NOW because you know she deserves so much better than that!
As hard as it is for you, you just have to be patient. She already knows the truth and just isn't ready to let him go. Probably nothing you say will make any difference until she is ready. I bet she will get to that point though. Knowing that she has a great friend by her side like you will give her the strength to do it when she gets to the point that she is FED UP.. .when she catches that "one more lie" the one that breaks the camels back so to speak. Then you can breathe your sigh of relief....

[topazlight]

Little white lies if not on the constant I can cope with. Lies telling someone your look great in a certain color, or style of clothes, or they enjoyed whatever food or drink you made but continually never telling someone you care about and know cares about you, that being love or friendship gets upsetting over time. You want and need and deserve the truth from someone who you love and tells you they love you in what ever way. I agree with a lot of what the two posters above me have told you and hopefully like you said she can read all of this and see she needs to cut them out and not carry any poisonous hurtful feelings off them anymore. It must cause her much worry too and that can greatly affect ones mental and physical health too. She has to weigh if she can accept it all and if she can see this person as one day a husband and father of her children too, especially since you said they have a long standing relationship. It might be the time to break free now and some times closure comes from doing whats right for yourself as well, not just getting all the answers you may need to shut the door on someone. If he truly loved her as she does him he would be truthful to her because she is wanting the truth and not give her the opposite. She must be scared of losing him if she gives a ultimation? Be strong and strive for the same level of love and trust you give another.

- - - Updated - - -

http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/pathological-lying

http://www.way-of-the-mind.com/pathological-liar.html

http://thedailypositive.com/3-hard-truths-liars/

- - - Updated - - -

^ Here are a few articles she can read. Tell her to research more on this online or at her local bookstore and she will understand lying is an addiction too and this person may always be this way.

[Jffs24]

[MENTION=78034]breathe123[/MENTION] -- your friend has to stop pussy footing around this guy -- he isn't concerned about lying to her or probably for that matter her knowing the truth on his lies so she shouldn't worry about getting to the core of it all and confronting him with the hard truths he's been hiding and avoiding. I bet when she - if ever - speaks up on it to him he quickly shuts it and her down by making her feel guilty -- if so dude is a master manipulator and she's better off without him.

[breathe123]

Thanks to all who since replied while I was offline ~ melancholia, lovesickheart, topazlight & Jffs24.

So much to reply to so I will just touch on a bit of each, K?

Jffs24, yes ~ I believe she IS scared she'll lose him & yes, he is a manipulative person with her & others, it's his MO.

topazlight ~ Thank you for the links, hopefully she'll read each & hopefully more. I think she still would like to go further in life with this guy, marry, family & why, WHY WHY WHY how can she believe this will turn out alright for her :- [ It's weird but how you say lying is also an addiction that is true & never thought of it as one, maybe she doesn't either.

lovesickheart ~ I'm glad you understand & from 1st hand know how it can be telling a friend to get out of a relationship because the guy is no good for them or overall & they keep staying & complaining & you watch it all go bad & nothing you say or do can help. I believe she knows that one more lie that should have broken the camels back ~ & has IGNORED again. :- [

melancholia ~ She knows he has BIG lied on a lot along with stupid no reason little ones & some of the big ones were ones most people would break up over imo, so why does she ignore those that many would see has a lightbulb moment? She feels I don't like him so my words to her are off hating on him & I have an agenda but my only agenda is her happiness, nothing bad on my part. I try to console but she knows my limit for listening about him is LOW & also gone :[ I don't even want what I type in here or what others type to bother or hurt her but if it helps clarify then worth it, even if mad at me. It bothers me she won't leave even though she basically has all the facts to leave.

Thanks everybody (((hugs)))

[melancholia]

melancholia ~ She knows he has BIG lied on a lot along with stupid no reason little ones & some of the big ones were ones most people would break up over imo, so why does she ignore those that many would see has a lightbulb moment? She feels I don't like him so my words to her are off hating on him & I have an agenda but my only agenda is her happiness, nothing bad on my part. I try to console but she knows my limit for listening about him is LOW & also gone :[ I don't even want what I type in here or what others type to bother or hurt her but if it helps clarify then worth it, even if mad at me. It bothers me she won't leave even though she basically has all the facts to leave.

I can see that you care about your friend and you do want her to be happy, and to be with someone who treats her well and loves her. But it's not up to you to decide what her deal breakers are in a relationship. It sounds like I was right when I said that your criticisms about her partner are pushing her away from you. You are a good friend, but if you want to be a better friend to her, then tell her that you are there to support and encourage her, no matter what she decides to do. Tell her you will be there as her friend at all times. Ignore your dislike for her boyfriend - she knows how you feel and clearly your continued disapproval of him isn't getting her any closer to leaving him. She will leave him when she is ready, and not a moment before. When you tell her that you refuse to listen to her talk about him and their problems, it creates a barrier between you and your friend. It most likely makes her feel like she cannot talk to you about what she is going through because you are judging her for it. Maybe you are not trying to be judgmental, but that is exactly what you are doing and it is not helping her, and clearly it is not helping you get through to your friend. Try to avoid talking about how shitty her boyfriend is to her, and start trying to lift her spirits and boost her confidence. If she had higher self esteem, she would have probably left him by now. Tell her that you love and care about her and you want the best for her. Try and show her that she deserves only the best from people in her life, without scrutinizing her relationship with her partner. It is difficult to do, but you are here asking for advice and I am giving this advice as someone who has been on both sides of this exact same scenario. You cannot force people to make decisions, they have to make the choice on their own.

[breathe123]

She just recently said ~ I know he loves me, you don't understand him or see him the the way I do. Excuses, sorry, but excusing bad behaviors.

I hope at least the words of yourself & others will help, maybe even if she reads the links provided in the thread, anything if not what I have to tell her. I'm hopeful still. :-\ I know I can't make her toss him to the curb for her own well being, but I can't understand why she won't do it for her own happiness. I try to support but I am not a hold your tongue girl, I try but it's hard when I have a strong opinion, you know. Plus ~ I can't be in the same room with him, so I can't hang out with them as a couple, she knows this. Her family dislikes him too. But to her he's hers and we just don't understand him properly. I like your point on building her self esteem outside of him, good idea, thanks for saying that. (((hugs))) I'll try to stfu as they say on him more than I have in the past ~ it will be hard but god forbid if she marries him :[ OMG!

[melancholia]

I see what you're saying, and I know that holding your tongue is hard. When you care about someone and you have an outside perspective, it's easier to look at the situation objectively. She is in the situation, living it, so it's up to her to decide what to do about it. I guarantee that if she knows she has your friendship and your support, that if (or when) she decides to leave him, she will know that she can go to you for support. I know it's hard when you care about someone who can't seem to dig themselves out of a negative hole. Do your best to support her, and she will thank you for that.

[topazlight]

[MENTION=78034]breathe123[/MENTION] off your words back specifically to me, does your friend have an, "enough scenario", with this man? Like the one thing that will end it all if he crosses that line, or has in your opinion hes crossed that line and she has accepted it and carried on? I would encourage her to read up on pathological liars in her own time just to educate herself more.

[Jffs24]

[MENTION=78034]breathe123[/MENTION] -- she just needs a better guy to enter the picture and then she'll quickly tired of this dudes bullshit.