My boyfriend loses his temper if I bring up the fact that he loses his temper

[EmotiveMustache]

closed ..................

[Wakeup]

My boyfriend has anger issues. I don't feel like he really apologizes or feels remorse for the way he behaves. He lashes out in anger whenever he is hurt, saying things like " F*** you, I f***ing hate you!" over the smallest, benign topics, any perceived injury or misunderstanding. I feel like I should be allowed to discuss this with him so that it can be fixed, and I feel like I need to hear his apology. He says he already feels bad when he does it and hates that I bring it up. In fact, he thinks I am cruel for bringing it up at all and says he will continue to get angry when I do so.

Legit, he is agreeable to the fact I am only mean in the sense that I bring up the fact he lashes out at me in anger. I'll say how I don't feel like he cares about my feelings, and he'll lash back, "And what about MY feelings?! It's always about you! Goddamn! If you hate me so much, leave me!" Lots of slamming of doors, and he has a habit of throwing tissues, phones, pillows, etc at me and turning off the lights to whatever room I am in and leaving in a huff. It feels weirdly humiliating.

I understand that he's lashing out out of pain. I understand that his anger wouldn't be present if he weren't hurt.

He's also lied to me so many times I am having a hard time trusting him anymore. We've been dating for nearly nine months, and I just found out he's on Cialis. He's also been flirting with people online for at least the past three months. (I'm paranoid now he's actually having sex with people and simply thinks I have no way of finding out because of it.) He lied to me early on that he was taking medical marijuana and it turned out he had a dealer. All of these things he never told me in his own time, but I happened to chance upon or guess as an afterthought. I don't tend to snoop into his life, and I try to be trusting.

He really enjoys cuddling. He needs it, and it makes me feel wanted. And sometimes I think our sex life is primal and unhindered, but the bad times make me rethink my perspective and I start to think it's just "hate sex" and that he f***s me like he hates me.

I've never been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. (And he certainly does not think he is abusive, because to him abuse is in the intent and not in the effect. And he's certain he's never intended to hurt me. He says his anger is completely a loss of control and not a choice.)

He's threatened a lot of things he's never followed through on, when he's been afraid I'd leave him. I've tried to leave him many times because he just doesn't seem to stop, and I don't think it's logical to expect anyone to change. But I love him, and I find myself sort of losing my identity and self-esteem when I try to leave, because I've invested so much of myself into trying to make him just calm down and realize I'm here and that I care. He threatens to kick me out on the street. He's very intimidating. For weeks straight sometimes I would wake up with anxiety attacks. Once or twice he's grabbed my head by the hair and screamed at the top of his lungs with his face pressed to mine, and it made me worry he'd start hitting me next. He hasn't ever hit me.

I see him as this broken and vulnerable thing, and I guess I just wish he'd be gentle with me. Ironically, that's what he accuses me of not being. Gentle. I can't bring up his terrifying temper tantrums. I can't bring up that it makes me have panic attacks. I can't ask him to apologize. I'm being "insensitive to his feelings" if I do so. I thought I was gentle with him. I really did. I haven't had the urge to cheat on him or anything (like his having dating profiles he still uses) because I am actually content with him if he would just stop being so volatile. I managed to bring up his anger in some way he wasn't overly offended by last night and he said he doesn't think of it as his personality in general and that it would be something that he'd change.

I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. I cry all the time. And yet I can't leave him. I'm not sure I want to. I know that I should want to. But it feels very wrong to give up on someone who is hurting so badly as he evidently is.

I need mature advice.

You're in an abusive relationship wherein you think you can change an abuser by being the best girlfriend you could be. Well that's nothing but codependency and fear of being alone that keeps you there.

Why do you think you deserve what he gives you? What happened to you in your past that has made you with such low self-worth that you stay and try to fix the likes of him instead of running from him and never looking back? You trying to fix him is an issue that you would do well to look into with the help of a personal therapist. Time to stop trying to make this boy into the man you want him to be. You are working on a foundation of quick sand that is slowly pulling you in over your head.