what does she really mean?

[swordsman]

I like this girl we like each other for about 4 month then like a month after She said she like me as a friend "for now" and should take it slow and said if i can wait but if not she wont make me wait. I dont know if i should believe her cause she lie to me before when i ask how she feel about me a month before she answered "I don't know as of right now" then she only like as a friend for now i asked why don't she tell me that when i ask her before she said she afraid i might take it hard. So right now its hard for me to believe if she just want to take it slow and there might be a chance or not cause i did kind of come off strong to her or she just want to soften the blow about the rejection. Its really screwing with my mind now. Her birthday is coming up soon so im thinking about asking if she want to go somewhere together but then it will sound like im chasing her since i been doing that for so long and tired of it or i should lay off asking her out to celebrate her birtday. we live 6 hours apart. What i was deciding on is that IF i ask her out to celebrate her birthday and she says no than i going to forget her and move on but if she says yes maybe theres a chance? but it can also be that shes dont want to say no also.

[TheEvilJester]

Were you ever clearly dating each other and she later pumped the breaks, or was it always sort of unclear? I ask because that might make some slight difference. As it is, though, if she says she only thinks of you as a friend "for now," honestly, that probably means she only thinks of you as a friend PERIOD. In all likelihood, that probably is not going to change. Still, let me highlight the world PROBABLY there. I can't say definitely, but the fact of the matter is that, more often than not, when a gal gives you the "just friends" line, that is almost never going to change.

So, honestly, right now your best bet is to move on as though you assume it will never happen. What that means is what you will have to determine. Could you honestly continue being just friends with her? By that, I mean continue to be her friend, but WITHOUT it being because you are (intentionally or unintentionally) waiting around just hoping she will change her mind. Can you continue to be her friend, but still full-heartedly search out your true match elsewhere? That can often be pretty hard to do, so it is more often than not better just to no longer remain friends.

Which isn't to say you can't be FRIENDLY. It isn't like you have to tell her off or act like she is some kind of monster or something. You just maybe shouldn't actively be friends. Unless you can, honest to God, say that you COULD be just her friend without it just causing you undue pain, or to be holding yourself back from finding other relationships. If you honestly CAN, then great. Remain friends with her. You never know what may happen down the road. You just shouldn't put your life on hold hoping for something that may never happen. You could miss out on who you are really supposed to be with because you are pining for somebody you can't have.

I'm sure we've all been there at some point. I certainly feel your pain. For now, I think I'd recommend NOT asking her out for her birthday. Maybe wish her a happy birthday. If she happens to be doing some joint party to which you are invited, feel free to attend. But I don't necessarily think you should actively seek out to do something for her birthday. She's made her intentions with your friendship clear, so for now just continue assuming that will not change.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the gal of your dreams very soon, whether that winds up being her or some other gal perhaps you have not yet even met.

[swordsman]

thanks for the reply, we're not dating, we just liked each other as of right now she and I one reason we're into one another at first was that we're a lot a like same interest, attitude, personality and we're pretty much by our self everyday there's also a lot of trust between us. When she said just be friend for now I already assuming she meant just friend and that's it nothing more. I agree on just being her friend for now cause she still single but once IF she find someone else she likes I'm going to tell her that I won't be friend no more but I haven't told her that yet, seems like she don't want to lose me as a friend either cause she trust me a lot.
As for her birthday she won't be having a party since it just her by herself that's why I'm thinking about asking her out to celebrate but I don't know if its a good idea as how things are going.

She when through the same thing i did before just that her past relationship is a bit better than what we got right now, she should know how painful it is so i don't know why she cant just tell me straight instead of leaving a little hope in her rejection. So for right now all i can do just be friends and be patient how it turn out, going to stop chasing.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, again, it does have to be your decision. Only you really know you. I can't tell you whether you can pull that off or not.... but I can tell you that it is rarely a good idea to remain close friends with somebody when one or the other wants to be more than friends and the other does not. You say you are going to remain her friend, but stop chasing her. But, if you do that, can you honestly say that you will do so, fully letting go of the idea of her possibly changing her mind? Can you remain her friend and happily move on to pursue dating other women? Just as importantly, IF you can do so, can you do so while giving any new woman that may come along your full heart, your full attention, a full legitimate chance at finding out if you two could be a match? Or, on the other hand, will you be dating other women just secretly (whether you even realize it yourself or not) wishing they were her?

I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative here, I'm just honestly trying to help you avoid undue pain and heartache. If you honestly CAN do all that, then great. It CAN be done. But, if there is a strong possibility that remaining just friends with her will just leave you still hoping it will become more, then it might be best just to keep your distance.

I get your plan to remain friends until if/when she starts dating some other guy. (At least I believe that was what I understood was your plan.) I get how that makes some kind of sense.... but the thing is that just sort of makes it seem like the concerns I am sharing are exactly the case. In that event, it would really be best just to keep your distance now. If it doesn't seem likely she'll change her mind, why wait for her to some day (albeit unintentionally) hurt you when you could just move on now by choice rather than continue to waste your time.

Like I said, though, it will have to be your choice. If you want to remain her friend, then good luck to you. I am definitely not saying a situation like that NEVER works out. They certainly can. It's just, rarely does it happen. Rarely does "I just like you as a friend" wind up becoming more than that.

Good luck to you either way.

[melancholia]

It sounds like she isn't into you romantically, but she isn't sure how to let you down. It sounds like she is a nice person but doesn't feel the same connection with you that you feel with her, and that's okay. I firmly believe, and this is clearly a matter of opinion, that if you have to shake the head of the person you are with to make them see that what you have together is worth it, then it will never be worth it to them. If you feel like you have to convince somebody to date you, they probably aren't the right person. She should be able to say to you that she isn't interested in dating you, so that you know how she feels so you can move forward. I do think that sometimes we aren't sure if we are into someone or not, so we want to take our time to feel out the situation and see if a stronger connection grows; but I do not think it's fair for someone to string another person along if they have different expectations. I think if your gut is telling you she isn't being truthful with how she feels, then you should cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of other people out there who don't play games and who would be happy to be with you.

[swordsman]

It sounds like she isn't into you romantically, but she isn't sure how to let you down. It sounds like she is a nice person but doesn't feel the same connection with you that you feel with her, and that's okay. I firmly believe, and this is clearly a matter of opinion, that if you have to shake the head of the person you are with to make them see that what you have together is worth it, then it will never be worth it to them. If you feel like you have to convince somebody to date you, they probably aren't the right person. She should be able to say to you that she isn't interested in dating you, so that you know how she feels so you can move forward. I do think that sometimes we aren't sure if we are into someone or not, so we want to take our time to feel out the situation and see if a stronger connection grows; but I do not think it's fair for someone to string another person along if they have different expectations. I think if your gut is telling you she isn't being truthful with how she feels, then you should cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of other people out there who don't play games and who would be happy to be with you.

exactly what im thinking too, I told her to tell me the truth so its easier for me and her but I getting the feeling she don't want to hurt me or something and i told her I rather
have the truth even if it hurt rather then a lie. One reason I think she told us to take it slow is cause maybe she hoping her feelings might grow more but I don't know cause at the moment she got some life issue going
on too so that can also be part of the problem. Playing games, I don't have problem with that matter of fact that's how we meet and start talking. As of right now what I'm keeping my distance and just remain friends with her till we reach the one year time and if nothing happen by then I'll just going to forget it and move on.

[TheEvilJester]

Fair enough. As long as you stick to that time limit, I think you are good. At least this way, you do have some point in time at which you are planning to move on if nothing comes of it. If you can stick to that, then I think you've got the right idea. Even if it seems highly unlikely she'll ever change her mind, at least that allows you to feel more comfortable that you didn't give up without at least giving her the chance to change her mind.

Like I said, it isn't as though this is ALWAYS the case, but more often than not, people don't change their minds about something like this. So, chances are nothing will change. But, who knows? Maybe you will be one of the happy exceptions. If not, as long as you don't allow yourself to be stuck in limbo forever, no harm in holding out hope for a little while if it makes you feel better.

Good luck to you! I hope she does realize what you two could possibly have and decides to give you a chance. If not, though, I hope you care enough about yourself to realize you don't deserve to wait around forever.