Music Tastes Collide

[mikumiku]

Growing up I enjoyed listening to pop, rock, and some punk music, then as a teenager I listened to heavier material, metal, rock and punk, since then I have not stopped listening to that style of music. I do listen to other sub genres out there, black metal, death metal, hardcore, screamo, thrash, etc. But there are some genres I don't enjoy, which is EDM, Techno, Rave style music. I have heard it and some of it, is ok but I am not so crazy about it that I would go to a rave. Raves and small club type events like them are not my thing.

So now this happens, my Boyfriend likes metal, rock, and punk, but he enjoys raves EDM, techno style of music and wants me to go to a rave with him. But I do not want to go at all because I have heard the music, seen YouTube videos, that scene is not me. So now he refuses to go to any of my concerts, until I go to one of his shows.

I know I won't like his shows I just know it. What should I do?

[TheEvilJester]

Do you know for sure you won't enjoy his concerts? If so, then honestly not only should you not go, but he shouldn't be forcing you to go. I mean, especially considering it isn't like your musical tastes are SO radically different. You two enjoy a lot of the same music. So, why not just share concerts for the music you BOTH enjoy. There is no reason you can't go to concerts on your own/with other friends when they are bands he doesn't like. Vice versa, there is no reason he shouldn't be able to go to concerts by himself/with other friends when they are bands you don't like.

I see no reason for either of you to force the other to come to things they do not enjoy. I mean, the only time I'd say you or he just deal with it and go to something you don't really enjoy would be if there is otherwise no other option. Like, for example, say it was your absolute favorite band having a concert. Unfortunately, nobody else could make it and you didn't feel comfortable going completely alone. That is one case where he should just go because otherwise you'd be deprived of something that REALLY mattered to you. (And the same goes if it were the other way around). However, if it is just any old concert, or he/you could easily go without the other, then there is no reason to be dragged to something you won't enjoy. Especially something like music. Music is very subjective. If you don't like a particular type of music, then being forced to hear it can almost be torturous. (For example, I cannot STAND Lady Gaga's music. No offense to her as a human being, no offense to those who love her music, but I literally cannot stand it.)

He's being a little immature in his reaction. That said, I think we are all guilty of that now and then, and usually when we don't realize we are doing it. So, I suppose my advice would just be to have a more serious conversation with him. Not that I'm saying you need to sit him down and be like "Knock it off or I'll knock you out!" LOL! I'm just saying, more so to have a conversation to say to him "Look, I don't mean to upset you. It's not that I don't want to do things with you, it's just that I don't like that kind of music. There's no reason you can't go and enjoy it, and there's no reason we can't both go to concerts when it is music we both love. I just don't like that kind of music, so there wouldn't really be anything in it for me."

If you do that (or already have done that) and he still chooses to be immature and petty about it, then maybe he's not the man you deserve, but instead a child posing as a man. I hope that's not the case, but I also hope you care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better if it is.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out.

[mikumiku]

The problem is, he is my ride to a lot of these concerts, so if he refuses to go to one of my concerts then I can't go period. I know I can uses other means of transportation but it will cost a lot more, Uber, Lyft, Taxis charge a lot, and me driving myself there, I am not on my parents insurance plan so thats out and they don't want me driving around just going to concerts having fun. As for other friends, ha none of my friends drive, or they got old cars or they too live at home and their parents don't let them go to certain cities or areas. OR they themselves refuse to go to certain cities or areas.

[myers5061]

Well, you see, mikumiku, here's a thing. On the one hand, your boyfriend shouldn't be forcing you to go to places you don't like. It's rather shallow of him. On the other hand, if you only see him as a means of transportation, then it's a fair game. You either pay more cash to go to your concert or go to one of his and save some.

[mikumiku]

He explains it like this, he has gone with me to soo many of my concerts, that if I could humor him by going to one of his, it will show him that I care and I will be supportive of him by being there and going to one of his events, only one of his events. But I have told him his music isn't my thing, I have heard it, seen videos of it and it isn't my thing. Last night he told me if I didn't go to his concert he would break up with me.

[TheEvilJester]

So, until the very end of your post, here is what I was thinking....

If it matters that much to him, then why not just go to his concerts now and then? It's one thing if he expected you to go all the time when it isn't really something you enjoy, but just once in a blue moon maybe you can just go to make him happy.

....Of course, then he told you that if you don't go with him he'll break up with you. You know what.... personally my gut reaction if I were you would have been to tell him don't bother, then, because I am breaking up with you right now. I am an adult (and I assume you are a well) so I personally have no room in my life for those kind of immature childish games.

Now, maybe I am over-reacting. I don't know. Sometimes people do say really stupid things, and escalate things needlessly when they are upset. Maybe he didn't mean it and will later realize he was being an idiot.... but still, I don't personally agree with that kind of immaturity. That is not something you should ever say unless you truly mean it, and you should never use it as some kind of ultimatum.

Now, a couple other things to clarify if you don't mind. When he has taken you to your concerts, are they for music he enjoys as well, or have they been for music he does not? Has he ever expressed disinterest, but took you anyway, or has he never said anything? I only ask because if your concerts have been for music he does not like at all, but he's taken you anyway, then really it is only fair that you do the same for him now and then.

On the other hand, if they've been for music he enjoys as well, then he has no right to hold that against you, because he's going as much for himself as he is for you. Or, if it is music he doesn't really like and he's only been going for you.... but he never told you that so you thought he was going because he enjoyed it too, then it also isn't fair to hold that against you.

When it comes right down to it, though, neither of you should really be forced to go to something if you aren't really going to enjoy it. Go together to things you both enjoy, and leave the ones you don't to other groups. I do understand that you and your friends don't drive, so that makes it harder for you to get to things if he doesn't take you, but there are other ways you can figure it out if it is something you REALLY want to do.

I still don't condone his method, but I can at least maybe understand how he feels if he's always taking you to things you want to do, but then feels you are never open to his things.

Not being closer to the situation, I can't necessarily know if he's as immature as he sounds in this story, of if maybe he's just reacting badly to feeling unappreciated. Just going based on what you've shared, I can't help but feel like he sounds like an immature child who needs to grow up. All the same, though, if you are maybe taking him for granted (even though I am sure that is not your intention) it could make him feel unappreciated, and could cause him to act immaturely like this. Not saying that makes it okay, just saying even the best of us are sometimes not our best selves when upset.

And again, I don't know if that is the case, so I can't say. I just try to offer ideas for both sides of the argument in hopes that it will help you in some way. It is also possible that this isn't REALLY the issue, that he has other concerns and is therefore blowing this more out of proportion than he otherwise would. So, maybe talk to him about whether this really is the problem or if he has other things he wants to talk about.

Good luck to you either way. On the surface, this ALONE certainly doesn't sound like enough of an issue that either you or he should be considering breaking up.... but if it is just a symptom of other underlying problems, then maybe it is. I hope this works out for you in whatever way winds up being for the best.

[mikumiku]

So, until the very end of your post, here is what I was thinking....

If it matters that much to him, then why not just go to his concerts now and then? It's one thing if he expected you to go all the time when it isn't really something you enjoy, but just once in a blue moon maybe you can just go to make him happy.

....Of course, then he told you that if you don't go with him he'll break up with you. You know what.... personally my gut reaction if I were you would have been to tell him don't bother, then, because I am breaking up with you right now. I am an adult (and I assume you are a well) so I personally have no room in my life for those kind of immature childish games.

Now, maybe I am over-reacting. I don't know. Sometimes people do say really stupid things, and escalate things needlessly when they are upset. Maybe he didn't mean it and will later realize he was being an idiot.... but still, I don't personally agree with that kind of immaturity. That is not something you should ever say unless you truly mean it, and you should never use it as some kind of ultimatum.

Now, a couple other things to clarify if you don't mind. When he has taken you to your concerts, are they for music he enjoys as well, or have they been for music he does not? Has he ever expressed disinterest, but took you anyway, or has he never said anything? I only ask because if your concerts have been for music he does not like at all, but he's taken you anyway, then really it is only fair that you do the same for him now and then.

On the other hand, if they've been for music he enjoys as well, then he has no right to hold that against you, because he's going as much for himself as he is for you. Or, if it is music he doesn't really like and he's only been going for you.... but he never told you that so you thought he was going because he enjoyed it too, then it also isn't fair to hold that against you.

When it comes right down to it, though, neither of you should really be forced to go to something if you aren't really going to enjoy it. Go together to things you both enjoy, and leave the ones you don't to other groups. I do understand that you and your friends don't drive, so that makes it harder for you to get to things if he doesn't take you, but there are other ways you can figure it out if it is something you REALLY want to do.

I still don't condone his method, but I can at least maybe understand how he feels if he's always taking you to things you want to do, but then feels you are never open to his things.

Not being closer to the situation, I can't necessarily know if he's as immature as he sounds in this story, of if maybe he's just reacting badly to feeling unappreciated. Just going based on what you've shared, I can't help but feel like he sounds like an immature child who needs to grow up. All the same, though, if you are maybe taking him for granted (even though I am sure that is not your intention) it could make him feel unappreciated, and could cause him to act immaturely like this. Not saying that makes it okay, just saying even the best of us are sometimes not our best selves when upset.

And again, I don't know if that is the case, so I can't say. I just try to offer ideas for both sides of the argument in hopes that it will help you in some way. It is also possible that this isn't REALLY the issue, that he has other concerns and is therefore blowing this more out of proportion than he otherwise would. So, maybe talk to him about whether this really is the problem or if he has other things he wants to talk about.

Good luck to you either way. On the surface, this ALONE certainly doesn't sound like enough of an issue that either you or he should be considering breaking up.... but if it is just a symptom of other underlying problems, then maybe it is. I hope this works out for you in whatever way winds up being for the best.

Out of all of the fighting we have been doing in regards to him and his concert, I finally caved in and agreed to going to his concert. But now he says I don't have to go if I don't want too. But then he says I never go to his events or do what he wants to do. But he never brings up anything he wants to do, he says he doesn't because he already knows I will say no. Or he tells me "I don't care what we do as long as I am with you". So it's like WTF?

I never thought of say anything in regards to that, but decided to just give in and go because I didn't want us to break up so I ended up giving in and going to his event, which isn't happening until April.

He then ended up telling me he was sorry for saying that to me and that he only said it due to the heat of the moment.

He has told me various things. He says he takes me because it makes me happy. Then he says he doesn't go for the music, venue or band, he goes because of me. Then he says he does go for the music and bands. Now he is rating the band and if he doesn't like the band he won't go, but then he still offers to go with me. He then says he won't go to a venue because of its size and if its small he won't go, even though he's been to a ton before with me.

I am aware that there are other ways to get to the events I want to go too if my friends of Boyfriend fail to come along. But that costs money and I don't have a job, and what money i do have, once that's gone its gone.

He has told me he feels unappreciated and that I don't care or love him. Then he says he's frustrated in the sex department, but thats another story, I am a virgin, saving myself until marriage, and he says he knows and respects this and yet he keeps bring up how he wants to have sex or we need to take it further, take it further how?

I am not, nor have I ever taken him for granted or used him or anything like that.

He has said he is under pressure and a lot of stress within his own life, and when we talk he doesn't like it, like I don't like it, when him and I fight. He doesn't like it when I give off my attitude and yell and scream at him and I am upset. He always says let's take a few minutes and talk to each other another time, its like no, THATS always happening! He never wants to talk to me anymore, and he doesn't even want to see me anymore either its like all of that hurts!

All him and I do every single day is fight, I am crying and feel unhappy and miserable and him again not wanting to talk or see me.

[Jffs24]

Go to one and wear earplugs lmao since all he is asking is you attend, don't need to listen to it just be company for him.

[TheEvilJester]

Again, we are only getting your side of the story here, so I can't really know for sure, but the more and more you share the more and more I wonder if he's really mature enough to even deserve a relationship (with you or anybody). He is sounding very hypocritical. So, on the one hand, he tells you he goes to your concerts for you, regardless of whether or not he likes the band.... but then he turns around another time and says he doesn't want to go to a concert because he doesn't like the band.... or he doesn't like the venue.

He tells you he feels like you never do what he wants to do..... yet you say he never really comes up with much of anything he wants to do. How can you "never do what he wants to do" if he never actually brings up anything he wants to do? Well.... of course you're never going to do what he wants to do if he never brings it up in the first place. You're not a mind-reader. Just out of curiosity, how often has he brought something up (like this concert) and you've chosen to pass on it?

As far as when you two fight, he is right in that it is better to cool down and THEN have a discussion. When tempers are too heated/elevated, it can be easy just to get lost in a shouting match. We are ALL guilty of that now and then in our lives. It is better to let cooler heads prevail and come back to the conversation when you can discuss things civilly, but still stand firm to your feelings on the matter. ....Of course, that said, if he ALWAYS tries to push the argument off until later, then that isn't him trying to wait for when you are both more calm, that is just him trying to avoid the issues completely, and that is NOT okay.

Fighting sucks. In any relationship, really, but especially with your significant other. But, it can be an important part of any relationship, again, especially a romantic one. You need to know that you CAN have differences of opinion, you CAN get upset with each other, but that you can then discuss it, work through it, and come out stronger than ever for having beaten it. You can't do that if one of the people in the equation keeps avoiding it. Which it sounds like he does.

Honestly, I would venture to guess that his issue here is really more than just this concert. I think this concert is just where he is currently focusing it. But, again, you are not a mind-reader. How are you supposed to know what the real problem is, and work together with him on it if he won't just talk to you?

Again, I will reiterate that, since I am not him, I am not you, and I am not privy to your every private moment, I can't really know the full details of the story. That is why I try to sort of offer a little idea of how it may look both from your side and from his. Especially in this case, I do that because I CAN relate to a similar situation where I felt much the same as your fella seems to claim.

Now again, let me preface this story to say that from what you've shared, I definitely don't think the situations are exactly the same. More it sounds like your fella isn't honest with you about his feelings on the matter. For example, if he's taking you to a concert that really only you like, he doesn't say anything so naturally you assume he is going because he also likes the band. But, in his mind, without sharing this with you, he's thinking he did this just for you, then feels like you won't do the same in return. So, again, in this case I lean more towards thinking it could be that he's not communicating his wishes well....

However, I can at least relate to the feeling because it reminds me of my ex. I would do things for her ALL the time. I had even, many times, taken her to concerts for music I absolutely DO NOT like because she otherwise had no way to go. Nobody else could go with her, and she was not comfortable going completely by herself. So, if I didn't go, she wouldn't have been able to go. Yet, at the same time, whenever I'd ask for something, even something so minor, it was too much to ask. I always think back to one specific example. I took her to an anime convention. I have literally ZERO interest in anime, so there really wasn't anything in it for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I could still enjoy it for the sake of it being a convention, but I still really had no interest in going.

But, because she would not have been able to go otherwise, I went and I had fun with it FOR HER. She knew very well that it wasn't really something I wanted to do and offered to do something for me in return. All I asked in return was to play a board game of mine that weekend that I had just recently gotten into (in fact, that game was what sparked my board gaming hobby and the board gaming group I started that still goes on to this day).

So, the day we had agreed to do that, as had become the norm with her, she spends LITERALLY all day online. We were together the whole day, but I might as well not have existed. By that point, this sort of thing was NOT new, so I was furious enough that I didn't care to even bring it up. So, it is getting near the end of the day, near when I'd have to go to bed for work in the morning, and she actually looks up from her laptop long enough to basically say something like "Oh, did you want to play your dumb game?" By that point, NO I didn't want to anymore, not with her, but that attitude made it even worse. So, I spent OVER 12 hours doing something for her and she couldn't give me 1 or 2 hours? That was one of the things that finally started to make me realize how little she deserved me, and how much better I deserved.

Anyway, the moral of that long story is this.... Of course, relationships shouldn't be about quid pro quo. That is NOT the point at all. However, in times like that, it shouldn't even HAVE to be a compromise. Taking my example, I did something for her that literally took our entire day, and she couldn't give me two hours for something I wanted to do.

Again, that isn't necessarily the impression I get from your story. I just share that because if that maybe IS the case, then maybe that helps you understand his side a little more. Again, though, it doesn't sound like you ignore his wants/needs, it more so sounds like he isn't open with you about them.... then yet penalizes you for not somehow knowing anyway.

Either way, good luck to you in this. I hope you and he can find a way to have a more civilized conversation and get to the real route of the issue.

[mikumiku]

I sent you a PM on here and yeah I hope him and I can sort things out.

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you. I got and have responded to your PM.

P.S.

Good GRAVY, I can go on and on. LOL! I hope you can at least find a nugget of wisdom that helps you in the mass of insane ramblings from the twisted nightmare melon inside my head.

[mikumiku]

Haha very funny.