Hi guys. I'm new to this and really need some help or just to hear what somebody else would do in my situation. This might be quite long, sorry.

My ex and I broke up middle of January after 3 and a half years together, I'm 26 and he's 35 but age has never been an issue as we are really similar people. So we broke up really over my insecurities, we both suffered a miscarriage in October and I was dealing with work stress and family stress too with my dad so my anxiety became really bad and I'd have panic attacks, not all the time but we were in a bar around Christmas, with some of my ex friends and he went to the bar for nearly 40 mins, was talking to a friend he hadn't seen in ages and that was all fine but the friends id been sitting with had been there a while and they'd started to get a bit drunk so they were all moving around the bar, going for smokes and stuff, the place was really busy and I could feel inwas getting really nervous and anxious about other people maybe looking at me... Eventually when he came back he could tell I was a bit annoyed, we ended up leaving early, went back to his and had a row, I get very insecure and can say things I don't mean which hurts him like me accusing him of cheating when he hadn't, this all sort of stems from a horrible previous relationship, but since the miscarriage, we had gotten closer which in turn made me insecure as I really didn't want to lose him and inevitably I have, he said he had enough and was sick of it... We went on a 2 week break and I started counselling, still ongoing with that and I find it really does help. The person I am now is not the person I was a month ago or two. But anyway, after the 2 week break we met up had a great time but obviously we brought up what had happened and I started to explain what I'd meant the night of our row over Christmas, we had had a couple of drinks and what I meant to say and what I was saying was coming out all wrong and he wasn't really understanding... We really should have had a longer break while I had more counselling and talked it out with her as she sort of lets me rambles on.... As you guys will know by now I do write quite a bit but I just try to explain as best as I can. Anyway after that we had a nice weekend and then he called me on the Monday and split up with me, this absolutely destroyed me, I was texting constant, I was doing his head in, I was doing my own head in, my doctor signed me off work as I was crying all the time, not eating, just waking up each day and absolutely hating my life. So this was when I realised I needed help myself... I'd say from about a month ago slowly things have gotten better with my ex, two weeks ago we were meant to meet so I could take a few of my things from his and meet in a bar but he wasn't well, so we arranged for last Saturday, when I messaged him the day before I said he didn't have to meet up with me if he didn't want to, but he said he did want to meet up it would be good for a catch up, and he told me that things he had said over the phone in a row weeks before he couldn't even remember, things I know I'd probably over analysed at the time...we met and it was nice, we spent a few hours in the bar, few hugs, I got teary cause I missed him and it was hard saying bye. He didn't bring my stuff only one small thing is asked for and it was nice he sort of arranged the meeting. I got mixed messages from that. He said during our meet up not to get my hopes up, he also said never say never though, but my reply to that was basically 3 weeks prior to us meeting after the break up he really didn't wanna know me or be near me and then look at us, sitting in a bar 3 weeks on, my point being you never know what can happen, he said very true..... he said he likes just doing his own thing being single, although he promised he hasn't been seeing anyone new and I do believe him but my head overthinks, and wel technically he can if he wants to... we had a few little jokes and it was all light humoured. He said he missed me a little with a laugh and I said I'd take that as its better than nothing.. So anyway we have spoke everyday just friendly banter over Facebook chat or the odd text, and it's been so much nicer and better the past week than any other week before, I don't know why, if it's my counselling making me stronger, if it's just the stage I'm at now, I don't know... Last night I asked him over a message has he not thought the past weeks been better like getting along etc and he said "big time, we always had and have great humour, I enjoy it, but after that night out of Christmas things Turned for me and I'm sorry but can't go back after that"... For many people that would be a sign to move on but that's honestly an improvement from things he was saying a month or two months ago...and id be the sort of person to move on if I thought there was nothing there, but I feel like there still is, when we met up, from even just some messages, I know at the moment he wants to be alone And I get that and I understand I might never be with him in that way again which i may need to accept. He himself is a really nice guy, he can be very stubborn, and he doesn't really talk about his feelings etc whereas I do, you never really know what's going on with him as he keeps himself to himself and he's always been like that, that's just him, and I love him for being him, but sometimes wish could just see into his head. Some people have said he's maybe just saying he wants to be friends to let me down gently but he knows he doesn't have to do that, and to be honest if he really wanted me to go away or whatever he would just come out with it and he would move on, but he hasn't... He knows he could go away and cut me out of his life till I move on and maybe contact me down the line but he's said he doesn't want to do that.I visit a counsellor each week and she's great, she's really helping me..I hope eventually even as friends he will see I'm confident again, not insecure and not angry but actions speak louder than words so hopefully in time he sees that rather than me telling him. I know people will probably abuse me and say leave him alone, move on blah blah... I just needed to write I suppose! Sorry for the length