Am i being stupid? - facebook and exes.

[trw1972]

Hi All

Im just looking for some advice on whether i am being daft over nothing, i suspect i am!

I am in an LDR, we have holidayed together etc and are moving in together in about 6 months.
A few weeks ago i noticed she had added her last serious ex to facebook (they had a very intense relationship)... i didnt make a fuss, just said is that who i think it is?.

She said he had added her out of the blue..and to be fair said 'i hope your ok with it?'
I just said its not my place to say who she talks to.

Anyway a few days later i asked if they had chatted at all...she said just half a dozen messages, and that when he mentioned meeting 'for coffee' she just completely ignored it- yes i believe her

Then she said it seems to bother me, and that if i want her to delete him and not speak to him again, she would do so...

It seemed a lot less important when she said that, so i said no need to do that...i genuinely thought id be fine with it.

Roll forward 3 weeks, and he has started commenting etc on her posts etc so i did ask if she has been catching up etc...she said they had only spoken twice in 3 weeks and one of those was literally one message

So there is absolutely nothing to worry about right?.
I do trust her, and im not sure why seeing his name pop up is irritating me so much?. I am not gonna do anything creepy like read her pms with him but it is on my mind more than it should be?

Thanks

[breathe123]

If it bothered you, you should have told her right off & not pretend otherwise because she probably would have told him it bothers you & she would have deleted him for you. Then this issue would be dead.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with breathe. I will say this. I'm a little bit of two minds on this one. On the one hand, she's done nothing to cause you need for concern, at least not as far as you know. It sounds like their interactions have been very minimal, and she's supposedly even turned down his invitation to go out for coffee. She's done nothing to make you believe you can't trust her, so you certainly shouldn't treat her as though she has, especially after you'd told her you were fine with it.

On the other hand, I just personally feel it is virtually NEVER a good idea to keep exes around in ANY capacity. There are exceptions, sure, but in general your exes are your exes for a reason and it is not fair to expect your current significant other to be okay with that. I find it even less acceptable based on the fact that apparently they were not Facebook friends before, but yet she accepted his friend request now, despite the fact that she is in a current relationship.

I think almost anybody would be a little insulted if their significant other suddenly got back in touch with an ex out of the blue, much less add them to social media like Facebook where the idea is to keep up with people's regular lives. To be honest, it is one of those things that you just can't help it, it bothers you. Even if you trust your significant other to the ends of the Earth, there is still that intangible something you can't explain that makes something like that just feel icky.

So, hindsight is always 20/20, but I honestly don't think she ever should have added him. It's one thing to maybe have one brief e-mail conversation and leave it at that, but to add him to Facebook, where they now chat (albeit rarely) and he comments/likes her posts... to me that is a bit much. As breathe said, you probably should have just been honest to her right off the bat.

Believe me, I understand how you felt. You didn't want to be "that guy." You didn't want to feel like you are telling her who she can and cannot have as friends. The thing is, this is VERY different. This isn't you acting like a pig-headed jerk who has to approve of all of her friends. This is you not being comfortable with a particular guy... BECAUSE HE WAS HER EX. That is understandable. It's all in how you put it. Had you come to us then, I'd have suggested something along the lines of "I want you to understand I absolutely trust you, it has nothing to do with that. I wouldn't tell you who you can and cannot have as friends, so I almost feel bad, honestly, for even feeling this way. But, it's just different. This guy isn't just some friend, he was your ex. If you're asking me, I'd feel more comfortable if he was just left in your past. I wouldn't ask you to be rude to him, but just clear that you have put the past behind you. But, you have to do what is right for you as well."

As it is now, I guess it depends on how much it bothers you, and/or if it starts to cross any lines. If it bothers you enough, then it would probably be best you just say something now. Heck, you can even soften it a little by saying "I know I'm being silly, but I just can't help that it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't say that before because I didn't really think it would bother me, but I'm finding out that it bothers me more than I expected. I know I can trust you, and you haven't done anything to make me doubt that. It isn't about that AT ALL."

Anyway, put that in your own words, obviously, but there is some basic idea of how you could maybe start the discussion if you think it is bothering you enough. Good luck to you either way.

[MiReBl]

Be cautious when exes are involved. With an ex-partner there is definitely the chance that old feelings may come up. Just be aware of that.
But if you trust her 100% there should be nothing to worry about

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes it isn't necessarily trusting your partner that is the problem, there is also the fact that you probably don't know, and therefore don't necessarily trust his/her ex. Again, that's why in my opinion it is just one of those things where even the most trusting among us tend to feel a little off about that kind of situation. I can understand how he feels. Even if you fully trust your partner, it is still a little worrisome that they are allowing themselves to be put in that potentially uncomfortable situation in the first place.

This is a person they once loved in the same way they now love you. It is understandable why even the best of us might have a problem with that even if we know with every fiber of our being that there is no reason for concern and we trust our partner fully.

[Gladimeir15]

You better tell her straight what you really feel and think about your girl and her ex. Its not healthy that you keep on thinking what they might be talking in fb. Its not good for you and for the relationship. Yes you trust her but you cant trust her ex right? She may be ignoring him but the fact that he invited her to go out is not good already. Its alright to get jealous but its not alright to be mentally and emotionally disturbed with what is between your gf and his ex. Tell her about what you feeling bout the situation and decide what is best for the two of you, she will definitely understand.

[lottiebird]

I would be completely honest... "i know I have absolutely no reason to, but for some reason this is making me feel uncomfortable... Let's talk about it".

Good luck

[smackie9]

Even tho she can talk to whomever, what would bother me is the fact she hasn't resisted or found it inappropriate. IMO she is disrespecting you and your relationship. To me it's just common sense....obviously she lacks this.

And you my friend need to man up. If you ever want a relationship hold together, you damn well need to be honest and communicate with your partner. If you don't it will blow up in your face.

[TheEvilJester]

Its alright to get jealous...

I liked this enough that I wanted to specifically highlight this. That is a good point. The bottom line is, you can't help your feelings. It honestly IS alright to get jealous (within reason, of course). Hell, it can even be healthy. It shows that you care about and value your relationship with your significant other. It shows that losing them would actually mean something to you. What is important is how you act upon the jealousy.

You are most definitely right, trw, that you don't want to be a jealous type who throws a fit and "lays down the law" to TELL her what to do. However, that doesn't have to mean you just completely turn the other cheek. You have every right not to be okay with this situation if it makes you uncomfortable. The important part is how you deal with that. You were hoping you could just ignore it and you'd be okay with it. That was a noble effort, don't get me wrong. But, now you have seen that it does bother you and you can't seem to just ignore it. So, really, better just to deal with it, but in an understanding and friendly/reasonable way.

There should be no reason whatsoever that she couldn't understand that. If she'd have a problem with that, then honestly I'd seriously wonder whether either A) she has no concept of what is and is not acceptable and I'd ponder what other ridiculously hurtful and disrespectful things she'd do and just think there was nothing wrong with it or B) she maybe IS up to something she is hiding from you, hence why she'd go overboard being insulted that you wouldn't trust her.

Hopefully she's being honest with you in that she is in no way encouraging anything more than a casual friendship between them. Either way, just be honest with her yourself and admit that you were hoping it wouldn't bother you, but are finding it does. Frame it like a conversation, not an ultimatum. In other words, like others have said, you tell her how you feel and talk together about how to handle it in a way that would make you both happy. Good luck.

[melancholia]

It's okay to be jealous, because jealousy is a natural human emotion. Just remember though: there's "cute jealous", and then there's Othello...

In all seriousness though, I do think your concerns are valid, but you are right when you say you can't tell her who she can and can't have as friends on FB. Most of us are friends with our exes on social media, but it doesn't mean we still pine for them. I think you should trust your girlfriend until she gives you a reason not to trust her. Keep the lines of communication open and clear between you two, and try to focus more of your energy on your relationship and the good things you have going on in your life. He's her ex for a reason, so even though your feelings are normal, I don't think it sounds like you have a reason to be worried about it at this point.