I hurt him! Can our relationship be saved?

[FireMaidenNexus]

I'll try to be as detailed as possible while at the same time protecting everyone's identity and privacy. I apologize for the length! I have to add detail in order to get the best possible answer!

I am a young lady, 25 years old, my friend is a gentleman who's significantly older than me. We have a long distance friendship. We met on an internet forum late 2014. I was trying to find people who share my fetish because I was interested in other peoples' experiences. He responded to my post and we became friends. We clicked instantly and were very comfortable with each other. We later discovered we had more things in common than just the fetish. We were also very accepting and supportive of one another. Like most friendships, ours had its ups and downs. I once blew up at him because I was jealous, he once blew up at me because he thought I was accusing him of being unfair in our relationship, when really, I wasn't. Once he re-read my email and realized that I wasn't accusing him of being unfair, he apologized. I later discovered the meaning behind his rage filled email, forgave him, and tried to move on, but the damage had been done. I was now emotionally sensitive around him, afraid that I might upset him again, and believing that I upset him when I didn't. I was sort of afraid of him. I needed closure and answers. Eventually we set aside some time to discuss his blowup, via Instant Messaging, and that is when everything took a turn for the worse. The events listed above happened between late March and April 2015. We set aside time to address his blowup in late May 2015.

Everything was going well at first. He was very understanding of my feelings and he genuinely felt bad for sending me that email. He was honest with me and gave me the answers I needed. Then, now keep in mind it was relevant to the conversation, I, in so many words, alluded to the fact that I wanted him to believe I would share some intimate photos he'd given me as gifts over the internet. I wanted him to believe this so he wouldn't do something hurtful to me first. Kinda like, "I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me". I was never going to to spread the intimate gifts he gave me over the internet, even if he did hurt me. I would never do that to him! Needless to say, he flipped out. Then he mentioned walking away. I thought he meant walking away as in "ending the friendship". I made a comment asking was he really going to walk away, thus ending our friendship and he accused me of blackmail. He thought I was threatening to end our friendship if he walked away from the computer during our altercation. Things didn't end well that night. We were both highly emotional and didn't speak to each other for two months. He's now terrified that I'm going to expose him over the internet. I know where he works and things like that, so that adds to the fear. He's literally afraid of me. I think someone hurt him in the past, not sure. I was never going to hurt him and never will intentionally hurt him! We started speaking again August 2015.

Now that he's afraid of me and extremely uncomfortable, he limits our contact to email only. No more instant messaging or web cam, and no more talk of fetishes. From August 2015 which is when we started talking to each other again, until the present we've been strictly email only with each other. Here's where things get interesting. Throughout that time, he's done little things that lead me to believe he's getting more comfortable with me. For an example, (hope I'm not putting his identity at risk by saying this but there is no other way to say it) he has a radio station. One day, in late September 2015, I heard him speak on the radio and let him know I heard him via an offline instant message. Once he became aware that I was listening, he got back on air. Me, seeing that as a sign of progress, asked him if I could see him via webcam about a week later. He told me he wasn't comfortable with webcam and that speaking on the radio for me was stretching his comfort zone. Then in November 2015 he went out of his way to tell me he was going to be on air so I'd know to tune in. Aware that I was listening to him, he made all sorts of inside jokes and played this one song I told him was one of the best songs ever made. That really meant a lot to me. He did all sorts of special things on air just for me. Fast forward to Feb 2016. I was in a tough situation regarding my fetish and asked my friend if he'd send me this gross photo relating to it. I wasn't expecting him to send anything. I asked only because I was desperate. He did one better and sent a video! He said it was probably a mistake for him to send it, but he sent it anyway after telling me months ago that he wouldn't send me anymore gifts. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, him on the radio again. He thought I was listening, but wasn't sure, so he made all sorts of inside jokes and put on a big show in case it was me who was listening.

What's up with my friend? Is he getting more comfortable with me or is he only doing special things for me because he cares?

After everything I put my friend through, why is he still nice to me?

Can his and I's friendship ever get back to what it use to be, with us instant messaging, webcaming and talking about our fetishes? I thought those special things he did for me were a sign of positive progress.

Guys, why would you still fool with a girl who hurt you, like I hurt my buddy?

He seems conflicted to me. He told me if he thought I had cruel intentions, he would have severed contact, yet at the same he's afraid to interact with me and got paranoid (his word, not mine) after I share our special moments with him as an anniversary gift. What gives?

[melancholia]

He sounds conflicted for sure. This is a very strange situation, to be honest. You didn't explicitly blackmail him, because you didn't threaten to release the photos unless he sent you money - which is the official definition of blackmail - but you did emotionally blackmail him. Threats to expose someone's identity or secrets if they don't do what you want them to do, or if you want to try and hurt them (emotionally/mentally), is a form of blackmail. Why would you ever do that if that wasn't your intention? No wonder why he was so cautious about talking to you at all. I am sure he has been lead back to talking with you because of your connection to your fetish, and whatever other common interests you two have. Who knows though, he could also be using you for whatever it is you give him in these online exchanges of yours.

What exactly do you want out of this situation? A reconciliation? To be more than friends? Have you let him know how you feel and what your expectations are? Have you outright asked him how he feels and what his expectations are? If you haven't, you probably should.

[FireMaidenNexus]

He sounds conflicted for sure. This is a very strange situation, to be honest. You didn't explicitly blackmail him, because you didn't threaten to release the photos unless he sent you money - which is the official definition of blackmail - but you did emotionally blackmail him. Threats to expose someone's identity or secrets if they don't do what you want them to do, or if you want to try and hurt them (emotionally/mentally), is a form of blackmail. Why would you ever do that if that wasn't your intention? No wonder why he was so cautious about talking to you at all. I am sure he has been lead back to talking with you because of your connection to your fetish, and whatever other common interests you two have. Who knows though, he could also be using you for whatever it is you give him in these online exchanges of yours.

What exactly do you want out of this situation? A reconciliation? To be more than friends? Have you let him know how you feel and what your expectations are? Have you outright asked him how he feels and what his expectations are? If you haven't, you probably should.

To be honest, the reason I wanted him to believe I would expose him was to protect myself. I got this vibe from him. Based off some things he told me and things I learned about him, I felt like he might have an anger problem and he came across as the vindictive type. All that was confirmed when he blew up at me in an email after accusing me of accusing him of being unfair. In that email he told me he thought about saying vindictive things. I got scared. I was never going to hurt him! I love him! I would never intentionally hurt him. I was simply playing a game of "don't hurt me and I won't hurt you". You could say I was playing games with him. I was stupid! It was wrong! I love him! I don't want him to hurt!

I did ask him about he and I moving forward. He said this is a new situation for him and it will take him years before he can even consider whether or not he wants to give our old relationship another chance. He told me he selfishly (his word, not mine) wanted what we once had, stating that our relationship was cathartic. So I do think he is somewhat motivated by his own needs. While I do think he is motivated by his own needs, I don't think I'm being used. Fairness is a really big deal to him (which is part of the reason why he got upset when he thought I was accusing him of being unfair). He apologizes if he thinks he's being even a little unfair towards me. Plus, I know what it is like for someone to try to use me. This doesn't feel like I'm being used. It does concern me that at least a part of him wants our old relationship back so that he can have a safe place to talk about his fetishes and have someone to engage with. We, as far as I'm concerned, are the only people we can be open with, without judgement. On top of that, while we do share a fetish, he has a couple more and I happily engage with him in his other fetishes. He may be motivated by selfish reasons, but a part of me believes that he cares. For one thing, he did cry because he felt bad for hurting my feelings once... He is also emotionally supportive and protects me from the one thing I'm afraid of (long story).

Strange thing is, and perhaps it is I who's being selfish, if he is motivated by his needs, I don't mind tending to his needs because, in a way, I get to have him to myself. I get to have something special that's just between us.

All in all, I just want our old relationship back. I want us to goof off and share fantasies again. I just want to see him again and I don't want him to hurt anymore. I gave him my word that I would never spread his gifts over the internet or reveal anything personal for that matter. I really don't want him to hurt anymore.