Girl I am dating is a black belt and can kick my ass...will she ever respect me?

[NOS]

I have been seeking this girl for about 4 months now....the physical attraction we have is incredible. We have lots to laugh about and enjoy hanging out. We met through mutual friends and have been pretty much inseparable for the last 2 months. She is very chill and mostly we hang out, travel together and have amazing sex:-)

She is from Russian (Mongolia actually) and has been in the country for about a year. I am not worried about her trying to rope me in to marriage or anything, but don't know where this is going long term. One issue I am trying to reconcile is that while I outweigh her by about 50 lbs(she's about 5/4, 110lbs), she has extensive martial arts training and could undoubtedly kick my ass. She is a former national kickboxing champion, and has the highest degree black belt you can hold in her form of Karate. I used to do some boxing/MMA, but when we somewhat seriously sparred once, I was nearly knocked out cold by one of her kicks. It is a very humbling experience as a male to know that you can be dominated by your female partner, but I do think it affects our relationship as she points this fact out to me somewhat frequently and as a result is almost always in control in the bedroom.

I wonder if she will ever truly respect me or if maybe she should be with someone who is her equal in fighting arts. Would love opinions of anyone with relevant experience or just interested in voicing one.

Thanks in advance.

Best,
NOS

[melancholia]

Being someone who has some background of MMA, you should know that Martial Arts is not about being able to kick someone's ass, it's all about respect and discipline. From what you've said, it sounds more like she has a naturally dominating personality, rather than her having a lack of respect for you. Unless there are other examples you can give of things she has said or ways she's behaved that makes you feel disrespected.

At only four months into your relationship, I can see why you might feel this way because you two are still just getting to know each other as a couple. Are you wishing that she would be more submissive in the bedroom? Because if you are, then you should voice that to her. It doesn't have to be a big debacle, it can be a simple conversation where you talk to each other about your likes, dislikes, and things you want to try. Being with someone new is a great opportunity to explore your sexual desires together.

[NOS]

Thanks for your response - I agree that it is early in our relationship and too early to tell if this is a sign of her desire to be dominant vs. a need to be so. To answer some of your follow ups and provide additional context:

- I do not want her to be submissive(I don't think she could) but just want a more even balance. Since beat me badly sparring, she has commented on it frequently, sometimes teasingly but also in front of her female friends who get a good laugh and a bit of a 'go girl' bit of enjoyment out of it. But mainly she almost always insists on being on top during the majority of our sex, I spend more time giving oral(which I actually enjoy, especially with her) and almost always insists that I keep going until she has at least one and often multiple orgasms (sorry for being so graphic, but trying to give you some idea of how sex is). Prior to our sparring session, things were more exploratory but afterwards things flipped almost immediately to where I wonder if she planned the sparring session to establish her superiority over me to carry it over in to the bedroom.

I have commented to her about it, but I think partly because of language (she speaks English well but not fluently) and partly because she thinks I am joking, she has not gotten the hint that I would like to be on top occasionally, for example.
- She has related stories of physical abuse by one past boyfriend (he was also in karate, he beat her but she also gave him a few black eyes/busted lips) so I am sensitive to that. Another boyfriend became obsessed after she broke up with him, would not leave her alone still and she ended up putting him in the hospital with a broken jaw. When I hear stories like this, I'm not sure how to read it as I partly feel sympathy for her violent past(not uncommon in her home country), but also see it as a 'warning' message about keeping in line.

Thanks again.

[melancholia]

Hey NOS, thank you for the additional details. I can see why you would feel the way you do, it is perfectly understandable. It's fun to joke around and poke innocent fun at your partner sometimes, but sometimes it can go too far, and it sounds like this might be the case for you. Are you feeling like there is an imbalance between you two when you are having sex? Do you feel like you aren't getting enough attention or affection during those sessions? I love it when a guy goes down on me and gets me to orgasm before he does, but everyone's needs should be equally important when it comes to getting busy in the bedroom. Have you ever mentioned trying other positions, or maybe initiating sex in different locations around the house to try and create more balance?

Your second half of your reply concerns me more than the first half, though. In my experience, when someone claims their exes are "crazy"... usually there's more to the story than they let on. I'm not saying you should dismiss the fact that she's been in abusive relationships, but if she beat her boyfriends in the past, that is a huge red flag. If she were a man, we would all be harping on her for ever hitting her partner, even if she hit him first. I think it's the same for women. If a woman hits a man, it's wrong. Even if he hit her first. Sure, self defence is important, but from what you said, it sounds like there's a deeper issue.

I think you should have a few more conversations with her about some of your concerns. You can bring it up in a non-confrontational way by using "I feel" statements, and language that doesn't come across as judgmental or critical of her. Also, I would suggest bringing up each conversation as a separate issue, rather than bringing up all the issues you have with her at one time. It could make her feel like she is being "attacked" per say, even though you have both of your best interests at heart.

This could mean that you just need to feel things out a bit more in your relationship. Take some more time to really get to know each other, and most of all: pay attention to your instincts. If something feels wrong with this relationship, then something is probably amiss, and you should try to acknowledge what it is so that you can move past it.

[NOS]

Melancholia-

Thanks for your perspective. yes it is a complex situation both on the sex/physical side, and the abuse side.

Regarding our sex life, I should be clear that it is not like I am being neglected lol. I do love to go down on her and usually she reaches her first orgasm there, and then we move to intercourse. As I mentioned, she loves to be on top and while I certainly don't mind it(and should note that we do explore the other positions), it would be nice to 'drive' some times. I regularly achieve 4 or more orgasms during our sex (depending on how much time), but I think part of the issue is me 'trying to keep up' with her need for 2-3 or more orgasms and to be in control most of the time. She is 10 years younger than me so it is not easy to keep up with her energy at time lol.

Regarding the abuse - I try to take her at her word with her history with past relationships. It is clear that the first situation was one of abuse, while the second was more complex. The guy was given a restraining order to stay away from her, and when he continued to ignore it, she took matters in to her own hands and beat him up pretty badly. In short, he was completely pussy-whipped and was probably never going to leave her alone until he got the message finally through getting the beating of his life.

Thanks again for your thoughts.