what does my ex g/f want?

[delacy]

ex-girlfriend has been in touch but is it closure or something else that she wants?

I split from a woman last September; it was a nasty split and things were said. I almost went to see a lawyer. But things calmed down and so I left it alone.

Three months later she wanders in to my favorite cafe ( she knows I'm in there every morning at 8am ) and handed back a print I'd bought her. It was of no value and I didn't understand why she hadn't binned it or if she felt I should have it then she could have posted it.

My male buddies all said that this was her closure but all female friends said she was using it as an excuse to see me and that she'd contact me somehow. I forgot the whole episode. She found a new man, fell pregnant, bought a new house with him but he didn't move in. I hear that it's a "on-off" thing"

Then in March the texts started. First text she sent said "I'm angry and want some answers" so I sent an e-mail to cover the loose ends and so we swapped approx 50 texts which were all general pleasantries ( no anger at all! ) She even texted her new house phone number so I could phone and expain a few things ( am I missing the hint ) She also phoned me and we had a half hour chat abou nothing in particular.

It wasn't till a month of texting passed that she mentions her boyfriend. I thought this odd as my thinking was why are you texting an ex when she was in a relationship! Anyway she's clearly not happy and I told her so. Text rage ensued and all communications have stopped. I've seen her slipping pass "the cafe" a time or two and I just wonder if she is keeping a close eye on me. We last bumped in to each other 10 days ago when I was in for a caffeine fix with my current girlfriend. The atmosphere was electric I can tell you!

So my question is this. Was the print, the texts, the unrequested phone call and her texting her new phone number a means of stirring interest or does she really just need some closure. Being a man, I just don't get it!

[whaywardj]

So my question is this. Was the print, the texts, the unrequested phone call and her texting her new phone number a means of stirring interest or does she really just need some closure. Being a man, I just don't get it!

Probably, a bit of both. And, depending on what you want for yourself, something you only may or may not want anything to do with.

I went through something similar with a lady for almost five years (although, without any of the stridency your post suggests you went through). Within days of calling it all off the several times she did, she'd be initiating contact with me via phone or text, regardless of whether she (or I) was then with someone else or not.

I finally got tired of the on again/off again merry-go-round and began responding to her contacts in ways that gently guided her in the direction she seemed to want to go, as long as it was away from me. Anytime the communication ranged toward a 'let's get together again' vein, I'd calmly let her know that wasn't something I could do...and then I'd shut up. Often, a long silence would follow, then she'd go into long explanations as to why she'd broke it off, how it was a mistake, etc. etc., and ask me to explain why I didn't want to try again. It would be only at this point, after she'd vented, that I would say -- again, very calmly -- "I prefer not to." And not explain to her anything further beyond that. There wasn't anything to explain.

Didn't take very long at all for her to stop trying to conduct post-mortems on our history. Now the contacts between us are more even-keeled and casual. In her case, I think it was important to her that she maintain some kind of contact with me NOT to 'keep me on a string' or to 'have on hand in case of emergencies', but to give her a sense of continuity in her own history. It is, after all, rather difficult to look back on things you've done and they not make sense to you. Maybe that's going on with your ex. She just wants to look back on it and have it make sense to her. Just staying in contact may be her way of doing that.

Whether you care to parlay any of it into something else is another question.

[shh!]

I think she was trying to stir interest but was trying to be coy about it and was embarrassed when she was "caught". That's what it looks like to me.

Boy, I feel sorry for men. We women are very complicated, aren't we?

[whaywardj]

Yeah, but it keeps us on our toes. Besides, what would we do with ourselves otherwise. Lay around the fireplace licking our dicks?

[shh!]

Lay around the fireplace licking our dicks?

Wow Whaywardj - such a way with words! (haha) I'm working on your story, by the way, but I have to attend to my real life and will have to finish it up later...

[Chlorine]

Delacy----Hmmm....I think this means:

1) "Three months later she wanders in to my favorite cafe ( she knows I'm in there every morning at 8am ) and handed back a print I'd bought her. It was of no value..."

She wanted to see you. Simple. It has got nothing to do with the print.

2) "First text she sent said "I'm angry and want some answers" so I sent an e-mail to cover the loose ends..."

She was upset, and thinking about why you guys broke up. Hence, her opening line....

3) "She even texted her new house phone number..."

She's hoping you would call her.

4) "She also phoned me and we had a half hour chat abou nothing in particular."

You didn't call, so she decided to call you. Because she wants to talk to you.

5) "It wasn't till a month of texting passed that she mentions her boyfriend."

She mentions the boyfriend. She's testing your reaction.

6) "We last bumped in to each other 10 days ago when I was in for a caffeine fix with my current girlfriend. The atmosphere was electric I can tell you!"

There are so many cafes in the city. Why does she walk into YOUR cafe? No coincidence there.

IN SUMMARY - She's trying to get your attention. Probably, she is still not over you. If she was, she wouldn't be hanging around.

[delacy]

Thanks chlorine, that confirms my gut feelings. It's as if it's unfinished business but getting back together with her would be a mistake. That's why I steer clear of her and I'd never dream of phoning her.

The penny dropped when she texted her new house number. There would be no reason for me to "need" her number. When she phoned, it was from her mobile which suggests my number was still in her phone. She could have deleted it ( of course she may have a v good memory ! ) Thanks again