Need advice on a miserable situation, feeling lost and confused

[spiderpig123]

Me and my partner of 3 years have had a rocky relationship. I'm 25 (female) he is 33, so there is a tad age gap. We have had our fair share of fights in the past, but have also had some really good times too. We are both very headstrong, opinionated, high energy people, so we clash at times. However, last night something very terrible happened. We had been planning to move in together (along with 2 other friends), so were all looking for a flat. This isn't the first time me and him have lived together, we have numerous times in the past and had minimal problems. After months of searching, we had finally all found a property and were meant to meet the landlord on sunday at 11am to sign the lease. On saturday night, after a big day out together in the sun, we get home, my significant other comes inside, packs some things in a bag and walks out the front door. I walk out to see if he's okay, and he leads me back into the bedroom and sits me down. He basically drops a bombshell, tells me In a shaky voice that he doesn't want to move in to this house, he doesn't think he can do this with me anymore, he isn't in love with me and he will never ask me to marry him. He says he has been pondering these thoughts for weeks, can't get over fights we have had in the past and says that the relationship doesn't feel the same anymore, that i feel more like his family then a girlfriend, there is no ‘spark’ according to him.


I am absolutely devastated and start crying. He does too, infact, he cries more than I do. He eventually gets up and leaves to find somewhere to stay for the night (a hostel in the city). I go into full depression mode and start wondering what I am now going to do with life. At 11.30pm (about 4 hours later) i get text from him saying he feels horrible and asking to call me. I refuse and say we need space. He then begins telling me he feels like he's thrown his life away, he's filled with regret, he feels devastated. I end the conversation as i just cannot deal with it, telling him i'll talk to him tomorrow when we are both more clear headed.


We begin messaging in the morning and agree to meet up to talk about what has happened. The whole time he seems very sad, hasn’t slept or eaten much. He asks if there is any way we can fix things, tells me he will be lost without me and keeps repeating that he is an ahole and has ruined everything for us and our two flatmates we were meant to move in with. He tells me he is terrified of signing a lease and getting locked into a 1 year contract living together if we begin fighting and things turn to s*, he also tells me that he feels physically he isn’t getting what he needs out of the relationship as I am not affectionate enough for him which makes him feel rejected at times. He maintains there has been no infidelity and he has not met somebody else. He said he felt backed into a corner and needed to say something about the way he was feeling about me before we move in together. He says he is still in love with me, but he is unsure about our relationship and whether we can make things work as we have a propensity to bicker and argue, which he hates. He also says he completely regrets the way he went about the conversation, and he wishes he would have just sat me down and framed it as a discussion of what’s bothering him, rather than a ‘I cant do this anymore we are breaking up’ discussion. Nothing much gets resolved. Unfortunately at the moment he is living in another city for the next few weeks, so we sort of leave things confusing and messed up as neither of us knew what to do.
That night i send him a long message, basically saying that i don't think i can recover from what has happened. I believe he meant the things he said and i do not want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't see a future with me after 3 years. I love him dearly, but i don't seem to make him happy and i need somebody who loves me and is sure i am the one they want to be with. He replies saying we can make it work, he will communicate more, work on himself, fix things, he doesn't want to live without me as i am his entire life and loves me so much. He said has been unhappy whilst we have been apart and he has been training to join the police (approx 4 months, however he is back in 2 weeks) and hasn't been honest about what is going on in his head. This makes me more confused. He tells me he doesn't want to do this over Facebook, and will call me tonight.


I guess I need an outsiders perspective. I love him so much, but I’m terrified if I stay with him I will be doing myself a disservice and will spend the rest of my relationship with him, pondering when his next freak out will be and whether or not he truly loves me. He has always been a bit funny about big commitments and finds the idea of permanence scary. He also feels at his age he does not want to mess around anymore with relationships that are not working. I don’t know how to move on from this, or if I even should. I feel extremely hurt and insecure about the stability of our relationship. I cannot deny I have very much played my part in our fights we have had in the past, and I am quite a neurotic person so can be hard to deal with at times as I tend to take things to heart. But I thought everything was fine with us, we have had a few disagreements, maybe some little tiffs over the last few weeks, but nothing bad enough to warrant him sitting me down and breaking up with me. Help. I feel so lost, confused, and depressed over this.

[chickmagnet7]

Rocky relationship could bring a long lasting one though. because it excites the emotion negatively and positively alternately.