Please help, should I try to get back with my ex?

[Bagz]

Sorry for the long post. Im 25 years olds and about 4 months ago broke up with my gf of 3 years. This wasn't the first time I ended it with her, for us something would always go really badly and I would end it. However, especially more this past month, I haven't been able to get her out of my mind at all. I'm really questioning if I did the right thing.

A little background, she and I have been friends for years before we dated. Then when we did date she honestly became my best friend. We could do anything together and it was fun, even sitting in silence. She was very caring, loving, and of course beautiful. Sex was good between us. I really felt myself around her and always had a great time being goofy. I know for a fact that she thought we were going to get married one day, probably where this would lead to if we got back together.

However, not everything was perfect if course, we also had a lot of issues. On her end she had a lot of trust issues, which I'm sure stemmed from me breaking up with her. It pushed her to read through my phone every day and really try and keep a close eye on me. It was fine at first but really got unbearable when after a year after we had broken up she was still going strong with this. She would even try to limit the time I could spend with my friends.She wasn't their biggest fan, and they didn't exactly like her either though. I did explain to her how much this bothered me and it would fix it for a bit but then she would go right back to it. This plus something really messed up she did to one of my friends was starting to result in me losing my friends I thought. Besides doing this with my friends, she had a huge problem with my mother. She always said to me that she was controlling. My mother was very meh about this girl, and I've never heard my mother bad mouth anyone, or for that matter anyone dislike my mom. I've had people even say she won best mom if all my friends. Honestly it all got so bad there were days I'd come home, see she was there, and didn't want to go in the door. We argued almost daily about nothing. So all of this plus some more really resulted in me ending it.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect here either. I'm an ISTP so I know I can be very closed off with my emotions sometimes (understatement). Also at the same time I saw the way she loved me and it scared me that I didn't love her with the same intensity. It scared me so much that I would back into myself a lot. I'm sure there's a lot more than this too haha.

Now over the past 4 months I've been very back and forth wondering if I should get back with her. And trust me I know it would be a very steep uphill climb at this point. I've gone through points of being absolutely fine and wanting nothing to do with her to sitting alone and just wishing I hadn't broken up with her.

A couple weekends ago I went to Ultra in Miami (big music festival), do something big to try and move past all this. All I could think about though is how much she would enjoy this and how much more fun this would be with her.

As i said before, I just haven't been able to get her out of my mind at all. I really do think about her every second of every day. I even saw someone i thought was her and ran after to try and catch up just to talk to her.

Idk what to do any more. The goods were just so amazing, she was my best friend. But the bad points were just awful. Can someone point me in the right direction? I really don't want to go into this half hearted. I know I've hurt her a lot, and she seems happy right now. I just don't know what to do. Thank you, and sorry for the long post

[TheEvilJester]

Apologies if maybe I am just missing the new information, but this sounds pretty much word for word exactly the same as your previous thread. I don't know if you expect different advice or something, but I don't think we can add anything more than we already have.

It's not necessarily an easy answer. Basically it boils down to whether or not the issues that broke you up in the first place could be fixed. After all, if nothing changes between the two of you, then what exactly would make it suddenly work out now where it so very much didn't last time? Two people can otherwise be really great together..... but if there is even ONE THING that is a big enough deal that makes them not a good match, that can be all it takes.

So, even if you two are otherwise the best of friends and otherwise make a great couple.... if her mistrust is enough of a problem.... then IT IS ENOUGH OF A PROBLEM. Same goes for if there may have been other problems as well that contributed to the break-up. If you've never given her any reason not to trust you, then it sounds like the problem is her. Maybe she's dealt with a lot of untrustworthy a-holes in the past and its ruined her trust. If you've never given her reason, then she needs to learn whatever it is she needs to do to get over this problem or not only will it ruin your relationship, it will continue to ruin any other she may have. If you HAVE given her reason not to trust you, then part of the solution would be for you to stop whatever actions gave her that reason and prove through action that you can now be trusted.

Bottom line, though, you can't just keep trying the same thing without any change and expecting different results. In other words, like I said, the basic summary is that you shouldn't get back together if the things that broke you up in the first place are not likely to change. If they ARE things that could possibly be fixed, AND you are both willing and able to do whatever part you need to do to fix them, then it may be worth a shot.

Good luck.

[Bagz]

Thanks for your help. I did add a couple of things in there. I think for me the biggest thing is that as time has gone on I thought it would get easier when for me it's actually just gotten harder.

Personally I don't think I've done anything to lose her trust, besides breaking up with her of course. The only other thing I can really think of is that she doesn't like when i even talk to another girl (I'm just being nice my ex thought it was flirting, I most definitely wasn't) I know she has dealt with some a-hole exs in the past, and has had trust issues for other reason in her life as well. If anything I have more of a reason to be cautious of her after some of the things she's done to me and my friends. Yet here I am, and I can't get her out of my head for a minute.

Idk, I don't even know how to find out if she's over any of her past issues. I found out a while ago that she was dating someone new. Only with him a month, so I figured there's still some hope for me. I don't want to go in and just ruin her happiness though. I don't want to hurt this girl any more than I have. I'm just so lost here. I don't even know how to go and talk to her without making it seem like I'm not interested, and I can't do that to her. I can't go back without 100% knowing what I want, how to fix us, and a clear vision and oath of how to do all this. I won't do that to her again.

[TheEvilJester]

Here's the thing.... you keep saying you "won't do that to her" you "can't do that to her." Unless I am missing something.... YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HER. I mean, unless there was more to the story you didn't care to divulge, what exactly did you do to her?

You can't answer that with "I broke up with her." Not unless you constantly broke up with her only to get back together, or you broke up with her but only in a manipulative way assuming she'd come crawling back, or you broke up with her completely willy nilly over nothing. Unless I am misunderstanding, it doesn't sound like any of those were the case. It sounds like you broke up with her because you had LEGITIMATE reasons to break up with her. In that case, you did the right thing.

Now, if you do think perhaps you two could work it out, it could maybe still be worth giving her one more shot. That, you would have to decide. If you do decide you'd like to try, I'd suggest having a serious conversation with her about the possibilities. Explain to her that you are willing to do whatever you can to help make it work this time. Explain to her that, for you, her trust issues were becoming an issue before. It hurt you when she couldn't trust you even though you've never given her any reason to doubt you. That you'd need to her to understand that she can trust you. That you aren't like the jerks from her past that gave her reason to be so mistrusting.

You can't necessarily expect it to just be like suddenly flipping a switch, but if you've never given her reason to mistrust you, then she needs to stop acting like you have. Now, you mention she already started dating some other guy. Are they currently together, or is that over? Are they just dating or are they already more serious? I only ask because if they are already considering themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, then honestly I think that is your decision right there. She's moved on and is now in a new relationship, so that is maybe the universe telling you to look for somebody else.

If they are really only just dating and are not yet serious, that is perhaps a different story. Either way, IF you do decide you want to give her another chance, I think you have a pretty good start in mind. You need to be certain that you want to give her another chance. OF COURSE, that doesn't mean you can't break things off once and for all if they just don't work out..... it just means you shouldn't go into it unless you at least intend to give it your all to make it work this time. If it still doesn't work out, it shouldn't be due to lack of effort on your part.

It would also help if you have a clear picture in your mind as to what you see needing to change in order for the relationship to work. After all, even if she decides she is willing to work to make it work out this time.... how can she do that if she doesn't know what it is that caused you to lose faith in the relationship in the first place? Also be ready and willing to listen to her and ask her what things you can do to help. Be open to working with her.... but within reason. In other words, her expecting you to never talk to other women would absolutely NOT be a reasonable request. You may have to work with women, you may have women with whom you are friends. You can't just 100% avoid other women.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you find your happiness, whether that winds up being with her, or whether it turns out there's been some other gal out there for you all along.

[Bagz]

You're right. I think she always held me breaking up with her against me. Always made me feel like it was my fault that we couldn't last.

In terms of how serious she is with this other guy, I honestly don't know. I haven't talked to her since we broke up. All I know is that it's been going on for a little over a month now. Honestly though I don't think it would matter. She's the kind of girl that "has" to be in a relationship. Also, she told me she thought she and I were going to get married. Those kind of feelings don't change even if she's with some other guy.

Once again, thanks for your advice. I'll keep it all in mind. I really have a lot to think about now, and you've been a great help.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm glad if I can help even in some small way. Good luck to you. I know the type you describe. The type of person who always has to be in a relationship. That can't seem to just be happy on their own. If she's like that then, yeah, chances are she's not necessarily that serious about this new fella, but just felt she couldn't/didn't want to be alone.

You don't really know how serious, if even at all, she is with this guy, so all you can do is ask. Again... that is if you even think it is worth giving her another chance any way. Good luck to you in deciding, and I hope whatever you do decide, it winds up working out well for you.

[Bagz]

Yeah, I'm still pretty back and worth. I want to talk to her, but it's really hard for me to do it. I just hear all my close friends and family's advice and they are all so adamantly against her. They always say I wasn't that happy and that I can do better. It's hard to not listen when everyone around you says the same things. Obviously this is my decision in the end, so I'm going to keep giving it some thought

[TheEvilJester]

I hear you. Sometimes your loved ones can help, sometimes they only make things more confusing. I will say if so many people around you are all saying the same thing, that may be a pretty good sign that they are probably right. I mean, unless you just happen to surround yourself with a lot of negative, judgmental people. I obviously don't know.

Assuming that not to be the case, I think if this many people are telling you she is wrong for you.... telling you that they could see you were so unhappy when you were with her.... I think that might be a pretty solid hint right there. Again, you are right, though, that it has to be your decision. That doesn't mean you can't take other people's thoughts into account. You definitely can and should at least consider what those close to you have to say. At the end of the day, though, you either have to remove her from your life once and for all because YOU want to, or give her another shot again because YOU want to.

Good luck to you either way.

[johanna1]

I agree very much with Jester. Per my understanding, it is not the first time you breaking up with her. Did you have the same issues before? When you both got back together, did you address the issues and try to come up with a mutual resolution? If you both addressed the old issues, and the issues seem to continue then, there is not point in getting back. However, if the old issues were addresses and these are the new ones, than I will give another chance and try to address them with her. Also, don't forget that besides love, there is also a certain level of comfort. Being best friends for so long, maybe you want your best friend back and not your girlfriend. Maybe you miss the times when you did things together as best friends and you were in that comfort zone. Now, you are scared, you miss that feeling and you want it back. In many cases, I have met people where they were best friends but romantically, things wouldn't work out and that's when they would decide to remain friends or just move on. Would that be your case? YOU are the only one who can answer this question.

[Wakeup]

Its only been four months and you're going through withdrawl pain from the habit of having had her in your life and now she's no longer in it. It will take a bit of time before you have rehabbed from the addiction to her so don't cave and go back to someone you shouldn't be with out of loneliness. Just keep trecking along. Keep doing fun things with your friends and even do something for yourself that you always wanted to do but haven't yet gotten around do doing.

Time and what you do with your time will get you over the hump and on your way to the blissful stage of indifference to her. When she pops into your thoughts, consciously change the subject of her to something more productive. You'll be fine without her in time and once you accept that you've made the right decision, which you have because there is No sense wasting good dating years on someone that you really don't want to be with but are just stuck in the "bargaining stage" with yourself.

Be strong and keep her gone.

[Bagz]

Just thought you'd like to know, I decided not to try and get back with her. And I'm actually very happy with my decision. Thanks you everyone for all your help through all of this. I really do Appreciate it

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, I think that probably was your best bet. Glad to hear you made that decision, and glad to hear you are happy with it. Take some time to heal, to grow from the experience, and to re-learn how to be happy just being you. Then, in time, get back out there and find a gal who actually deserves you. Good luck.