Complicated - can I change him? For our baby's sake???

[Hopeful1]

Love Forum…

I really, really need advice or constructive criticism. I’m at my wits end here and can’t decide what to do.

I’ll try to keep this short.

My partner and I have been together for just over two years. We were engaged and got pregnant in May last year, which we both badly wanted. We sadly lost the baby in June but knowing we could keep trying kept me going.

In Sept my partner told me he missed his children. Three teenage boys living in America. So he left me and went back to them. I discovered recently that he had gone back not only to be with his children but with his estranged wife. At the same time as reuniting with his wife, he was also having an affair with a woman in the local area. His wife didn’t know of this obviously.

After he left I discovered I was pregnant, and after deliberating I contacted him and told him about the baby. He told me leaving me was the hardest thing he ever had to do and told me that he wanted to come back to me. I have him the benefit of the doubt and took him back. He was back in January, but sadly I again lost our baby. He stuck around for maybe three months but now has just disappeared. I believe he’s gone back to the woman he was having an affair with before, even though he left her to come to me.

The kicker here is that I have again discovered that I am pregnant with his child. I am torn between telling him or not. I will wait until 12 weeks if I do decide to tell him. To make sure all is good and I pray it is, with my baby. I am having this baby regardless of whether he comes back or not. I have wanted a baby for so long.

The fact is that I have no right to deprive my child of a father if he DOES want to come back, and I literally cannot live without him. He has issues. I am aware of that, but I also know I can help him work through them. And I am not without fault here. The worst thing about our relationship is that neither of us communicated well. And he hated that I shut him out. I think that contributed to him leaving, although I’m not blaming myself for his shortcomings.

I know that I’m stupid taking him back but we have such a history and there are factors to take into account. I know it won’t be easy but I know that I CAN help him and we CAN make it work.

So, before you all tell me he’s a bad egg and I should NOT take him back again, I have decided that IF he tells me he wants to come back (which he may not do now that he has this floozy) I will take him back.

But I need to safeguard myself and my child. And this is where I need advice. My partner had a rough upbringing, pretty much rejected all his childhood as his younger brother had special needs and so my partner was shipped off to live with various relatives before being sent to boarding school aged 11. I know this affected him and his self esteem and that is obvious from the way he acts.

And that shows now in his adult life. We were very, very happy once and I know we can be again. So there will be boundaries if he DOES come back.

What I need advice on, is how I get him to stay faithful and NOT look elsewhere. I know I CAN help him but I don’t know how. I have my faults, Lord knows I do, but I KNOW we can work things out. For the sake of our unborn child if nothing else.

I know men CAN change, but I need to know what he NEEDS from me to help him want to be with me. He is a little boy at heart and so I need to treat him like that little boy that was shipped away from family and left to fend for himself. How do I do that?

Any advice would be very much appreciated. I have not contacted him since he left as I think we both need space but I will contact him if, God willing, all is good at my 12 week scan.

Can counselling help a man such as this who constantly thinks the grass is greener on the other side? I’m not ready to give up on him just yet. But if I take him back this time it’s his LAST chance. I know that. But this last chance could be the one time that he realises he wants me as much as I want him. Especially as there’s our baby in the equation.

Thanks so much for any help anyone can give.

Best wishes.

[RainbowDestiny9]

Hi

Congratulations on the pregnancy. When you tell him about the baby, it might be an idea to let him do the talking, ask him how he feels rather than asking him if he wants you both to make a go of things. That way you aren't making it easy and offering the option to him. It might make him realise that he has to really work at things to make it work. Hope that makes sense.

Perhaps don't rush into anything for a few weeks in terms of your relationship and if things are going well you could suggest that you want to be a couple again but you want to make sure you both stick to it this time. You could then discuss counselling for both of you to ensure things work out this time.

[Hopeful1]

Hi Rainbow.

Thanks for the response. I plan on taking it very slowly if he DOES come back. I suggested counselling before but my partner wasn't keen. If he does want to come back I will insist on it this time. I think it would help. It would encourage him to communicate. Although I think it will be very difficult for him.

I will let him talk when I tell him about the baby. I might not be able to wait until 12 weeks. I'm already stressed wondering whether to tell him and how he'll react and it's still early days in the pregnancy. It's so difficult him being in another country.

Thanks Rainbow x

Hi

Congratulations on the pregnancy. When you tell him about the baby, it might be an idea to let him do the talking, ask him how he feels rather than asking him if he wants you both to make a go of things. That way you aren't making it easy and offering the option to him. It might make him realise that he has to really work at things to make it work. Hope that makes sense.

Perhaps don't rush into anything for a few weeks in terms of your relationship and if things are going well you could suggest that you want to be a couple again but you want to make sure you both stick to it this time. You could then discuss counselling for both of you to ensure things work out this time.

[RainbowDestiny9]

You could tell him now If it's making you feel stressed but definitely explain to him that you don't want any conflict. Counselling would be good for him, they do tend to get stressed and defensive at the suggestion though. Perhaps online counselling to start?

[melancholia]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of two pregnancies. That must have been so difficult for you to get through. And congratulations on the new pregnancy! First of all, where was he when you were dealing with the loss of those first two pregnancies? Off, flitting about with his estranged wife and his side chick? Where were his older, teenage children through all of this back and forth drama? He does not sound like father material, and the evidence is right in front you. It is commendable of you to make sure that he knows he can be involved in your child's life, if he chooses to... but why are you giving him that choice? He has not displayed any behavior that shows he is dedicated to you or your family. He hasn't even shown his dedication to his other family, because he has repeatedly left them for other people. I would highly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself. Working with a therapist can help you learn to communicate better, so that you can navigate relationships in a healthy way. Start with getting some help for yourself before you bring this up to the father. I understand the pain of having to let someone go when you love them, but please, you CAN live without him. You lived without him before he came along, and you are living without him now, so you CAN and you WILL live without him. However, if you really, truly feel that giving him the benefit of the doubt (again) is what is best for YOU and your baby, then I think you should broach the idea of seeking counseling together. You both need to work on communication if you ever want to be able to be together. If you can't be together, and you do decide to have this baby, and he does choose to be actively involved, then you both need counseling to figure out how you can co-parent in a way that is healthy for everyone involved.

Best of luck to you and your pregnancy!

[RainbowDestiny9]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of two pregnancies. That must have been so difficult for you to get through. And congratulations on the new pregnancy! First of all, where was he when you were dealing with the loss of those first two pregnancies? Off, flitting about with his estranged wife and his side chick? Where were his older, teenage children through all of this back and forth drama? He does not sound like father material, and the evidence is right in front you. It is commendable of you to make sure that he knows he can be involved in your child's life, if he chooses to... but why are you giving him that choice? He has not displayed any behavior that shows he is dedicated to you or your family. He hasn't even shown his dedication to his other family, because he has repeatedly left them for other people. I would highly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself. Working with a therapist can help you learn to communicate better, so that you can navigate relationships in a healthy way. Start with getting some help for yourself before you bring this up to the father. I understand the pain of having to let someone go when you love them, but please, you CAN live without him. You lived without him before he came along, and you are living without him now, so you CAN and you WILL live without him. However, if you really, truly feel that giving him the benefit of the doubt (again) is what is best for YOU and your baby, then I think you should broach the idea of seeking counseling together. You both need to work on communication if you ever want to be able to be together. If you can't be together, and you do decide to have this baby, and he does choose to be actively involved, then you both need counseling to figure out how you can co-parent in a way that is healthy for everyone involved.

Best of luck to you and your pregnancy!

I agree this is good advice. Particularly about seeking advice on your own first. You make think differently about him after talking through things with someone and finding yourself.

[Hopeful1]

Thanks both for your helpful advice.

The losses are possibly the most difficult thing I have ever had to get over, but losing my partner hurts a whole lot more.

During our first loss he was with me through it & we got through together. With the second he was out of the country & he had already booked his flight back to me but as it happened it was after the loss. To be fair, he only knew about the second pregnancy 3 months after he left, as I wasn't sure whether to tell him.

He was living with his kids & wife up until he came back in January.

I know I should not want him back but I can't let go yet. Not if there's a chance we could still be a family. I'm probably a bit naivé but I do think there could be a chance for us.

I have been in therapy since January, relating to struggling to deal with my losses & my therapist explores anything that's bothering me. We're working on the issue about my partner & also deep seated issues that I have that could have contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. I'm hopeful that I can better myself & find peace.

I will definitely be pushing for some kind of couples therapy if he comes back, but I also feel that he'd benefit from independent therapy alone if I can convince him to try it. But I'm
aware that we need to work on our communication if we're going to have a final shot at this.

Thank you for your advice. It really has helped. 😃

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of two pregnancies. That must have been so difficult for you to get through. And congratulations on the new pregnancy! First of all, where was he when you were dealing with the loss of those first two pregnancies? Off, flitting about with his estranged wife and his side chick? Where were his older, teenage children through all of this back and forth drama? He does not sound like father material, and the evidence is right in front you. It is commendable of you to make sure that he knows he can be involved in your child's life, if he chooses to... but why are you giving him that choice? He has not displayed any behavior that shows he is dedicated to you or your family. He hasn't even shown his dedication to his other family, because he has repeatedly left them for other people. I would highly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself. Working with a therapist can help you learn to communicate better, so that you can navigate relationships in a healthy way. Start with getting some help for yourself before you bring this up to the father. I understand the pain of having to let someone go when you love them, but please, you CAN live without him. You lived without him before he came along, and you are living without him now, so you CAN and you WILL live without him. However, if you really, truly feel that giving him the benefit of the doubt (again) is what is best for YOU and your baby, then I think you should broach the idea of seeking counseling together. You both need to work on communication if you ever want to be able to be together. If you can't be together, and you do decide to have this baby, and he does choose to be actively involved, then you both need counseling to figure out how you can co-parent in a way that is healthy for everyone involved.

Best of luck to you and your pregnancy!