I developed an alcohol problem when my girlfriend broke up with me 2 years ago, it has recently gotten to the point where i went from downing half a handle of vodka a night to downing 190 proof ever clear. half a pint..... i'm in my last week of college and a couple of weeks ago this really cute girl i know hit me up on facebook, she wants to hang out with me and made it sound like she just wants to know about my college, i'm really interested and i can tell she is too, she said i'm looking forward to it with a smiley face. I also had like 4 dates this semester at college, 3 of which i wasn't really interested but it's weird i have been alone for so long and now a lot of girls are interested. My issue is, i have had extreme depression most of my life, my mom has it worse then me and my grandma, my dad and brother abuse the hell out of alcohol, i'm a recipe for disaster, i'm not fat by any menas but i'm heavier then i was when i met this one girl i'm into who wants to meet up. my jaw line is no longer visible according to my roommate and my family commented on my face being swollen, and i can tell it is from the alcohol, i look in the mirror and don't see myself anymore, i don't recognize the face i see and yet, i wake up and study until i go to bed, a task i hate with a passion, i feel like a machine, i can't go to AA my family doesn't know i have this issue and i don't have money to get my car insured and on the road yet, i'm just struggling with finals, i'm afraid this girl wont like me the way i look now and i have insomnia issues, long before alcohol, depression, no sleep, i feel alone and i'm scared, i want her to like me and she does already but i'm not the same looking as i was when i saw her years ago, the dates in 2 weeks, i need to stop drinking but studying all day from 8 am to 10 pm and then.... staying awake in bed all night just to take an exam in the morning, i'll be so freaking depressed, how do i find the strength ?