Mixed signals?

[Bantam]

I have been dating a girl for a couple of months now, and the other day she just got back from holiday. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks at this point (not a bad thing) and she messaged me as soon as she got back saying she wanted to hang out. This is obviously nice for me as it shows she is still interested. As we messaged she also asked me if I see anything happening with us at some point, to which I replied yes I do at some point not far away. (she agreed) She proceeded to tell me that she was 'actually kind of hoping we can be official soon '. I was a bit taken back and surprised by this, but just told her we can discuss everything on the day we'd decided to hang out. I didn't want to talk about important things like that over the internet.

The day comes around and it's the first time we'd seen each other in person for a few weeks. She picked me up as agreed and bought me a coffee. But she just doesn't seem as interested in person as she does when we message. I'm kind of wondering why she is so keen to hang out if it's almost as though she doesn't really want to be there, I mean she didn't have to follow through with hanging out. We didn't discuss being 'official', I didn't want to bring it up when she's being a bit off, and she didn't bring it up either.

The mixed signals, actions not matching the words really frustrate me. Maybe I should just ask her? That would seem the obvious thing to do...
I'm not sure whether I should ask her to hang out again next or wait for her to ask. Honestly she just hasn't been that much fun to hang out with recently at all, but I still want to see where it goes. What would you do in my situation?

Thanks for reading.

[smackie9]

I would obviously bring it up. Maybe she feels you haven't put enough effort in showing her how interested you are in taking things to the next level. Putting the discussion 'aside" til you met might have put a damper on things.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with smackie. It's possible that she misunderstood your reluctance to discuss it over the phone and erroneously assumed that to mean she maybe wouldn't like what you had to say. In other words, maybe she thought it to mean you weren't on the same page as her... when in your mind it is simply that you want to discuss things like that in person.

So, maybe she was a bit off during your date because of that. Maybe she was hoping YOU would bring it up because she felt like you were reluctant and was hoping you'd prove her wrong. Don't get me wrong, I can't necessarily blame you. I understand why you didn't necessarily want to bring it up with the way she was acting. IF the way she was acting was in reaction to what she thought you were implying, then honestly she is kind of at fault.

IF that is the case, she treated you awkwardly because of a reluctance she perceived that was not actually there. Instead of being a mature adult and giving you the benefit of the doubt/talking about it, she chose to pull away because she assumed that was what you were doing. Again.... that is all assuming that is exactly what she was doing. It could be possible she just had a bad day that day, or a million other things, so that is really just speculation on my part.

That said, even if my speculation is correct, I can understand how she felt even if maybe she did overreact. So, unless that kind of behavior becomes a normal pattern, I wouldn't consider that one incident enough to re-think your feelings for her. Either way, though, I do agree that talking to her should be your next step. Whether you arrange to do that in person or just concede to doing so over the phone, how can you two know if you are both on the same page/headed in the same direction if you don't talk about it?

Maybe start with something to the effect of.... "I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression when I didn't want to talk about it over the phone. I never meant to imply anything by that, it's just something I want to experience face to face with you, not just over the phone." That's just my idea, but you would have to go with what is natural to you and feels right for the situation. Good luck to you!

[melancholia]

It sounds like she is acting aloof when she is in your presence, but feels more secure in being direct when she is behind a computer/phone. A lot of people do this. I, myself, have a tendency to play aloof, even when I really like someone (in fact, I'm more aloof when I am super into someone, which can get me in trouble because it comes across as if I am not interested at all). I don't understand why she would say she hoped you would become official, and then suddenly not want that. So I think you are right that you need to ask her about it, in person. If you can't ask her in person for some reason, then call her. Phone conversations are better than texting, because you can at least hear the tone and get a better idea of the context when you are speaking to someone, rather than reading text.

[Bantam]

Thanks everyone. I've asked her if she wants to come over to mine, she said sure, but when I asked her when she is next free, she has taken over a day to reply and counting. Honestly it's more difficult that anything.

[melancholia]

This is tricky, because the guy I'm dating isn't always super quick to reply back to me either, and we've been dating for almost a year. Is she super active on social media and always glued to her phone? If she is, then it may be a bad sign, but if she is a busy person who isn't so preoccupied with her phone/social media, then she may just be slower to reply. The hardest part of dating someone new is learning how they respond/react to things. Some people are better at replying immediately, while others are on the slower side. Maybe she read it and was busy, and forgot to reply. Or maybe she had to check her schedule to see when she was free. Or, maybe she is't as into you as she made it seem (hopefully not). I think you just have to see what happens and feel it out a bit more.

[Bantam]

Yeah she is always on her phone and on facebook etc, that's why we started messaging her 'preferred' way instead of text. She's not even seen my message this time, but is still still active. This is what frustrates me. She will reply eventually, she always does, so I won't message her again until then. But it shouldn't be this difficult.

[melancholia]

Good idea to let her respond to you in her own time. You have no idea what she may be doing. Some people leave FB open, so it appears that they are active all the time, when really they aren't checking it. There's no way to know how she feels about you until you ask her. Try to be patient, and hope for the best. Eventually you two will get together and you can go from there.

[chickmagnet7]

if you get mixed signal, trust the sub conscious signal, not the words

[TheEvilJester]

To me, I can't blame you for being frustrated if she is one of those constantly glued to her phone types..... and yet takes forever to respond to you. Normally I'm inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and say that sometimes life is just busy..... but if she's constantly using her phone for social media and/or to talk to friends, then how in the Hell does she have time for that and not to respond to you? So, I can't blame you for being frustrated by that.

Even so, though, I would still say you try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but definitely wait for her to respond. If it becomes a pattern where you feel like she's never giving you the attention you deserve, then is the time to start considering if maybe she's not right for you after all. I mean, if it gets to that point, maybe talk to her first. Not in any accusatory way, mind you. Just to tell her how her inattention has upset you, that you are sure that is not her intention, but you want the chance to get closer with her, and how is that supposed to be able to happen if it is always so hard to get her attention?

Good luck to you either way. Hopefully she's just the shy/cautious type and is maybe not handling it well. Hopefully it will be fine. But, if she refuses to stop playing games, then maybe that is time for you to realize that she is nothing more than a child and you are looking for an adult.

[lovesickheart]

Hi! I haven't been here for a while so this looks like a good thread to jump in on and insert my opinion! LOL!
My thoughts changed from your 1st posting to your last. At first, I thought okay, SHE put herself out there and had the courage to ask you where things stand, "you go girl!"! That made me think she thought about you while she was gone, probably a lot, and wants to move forward. Next thought, she acted a little aloof in person.... remember it took courage to bring up the question to begin with, then you waited for HER to bring it up again? Nope, Ill just tell you, if that were ME, I would have read into that that YOU were not really that interested. My "aloofness" would have been insecurity-based, and the way my thoughts tend to work, I would have been feeling downright embarrassed that I had ever said anything about it to you.
So, now some time has gone by, a whole MONTH right? and although YOU said "lets talk about it later" and never did.... I would have received that message loud and clear.
You refer to her coming over to "hang out".... did you ever actually ask her out, take her out on a real date?
I kinda feel like her not even looking at your message yet, probably means she thought you weren't that into her and she is moving on.
So my advice is this... if you actually do like her enough for a relationship, call her, don't text or message her, call her up and ask her out on a date. Dinner and a movie perhaps?