anyone ever been hooked up before by a friend?

[Alopolo]

recently met a girl at a dinner party. i didnt have much chance to talk to her as the table was large and busy. so after dinner i asked her friend to hook me up. the girl is a mutual friend of my buddy as well through family. anyway instead of me directly reaching out to her they setup the date for us. the first date is apparently a group date and i have never experienced this before. they want to give us a chance to chat (the other two are her friends who are also my friends). anyway i heard through my buddy that she is "ok" with me but wants to be friends first. i think thats fine but i impressed the point that im looking for a serious relationship and 'they' agreed.

just wondering if anyone has gone through this kind of hookup before? if it helps they are from a very respectable family of immigrants (asian) whom im friends with, so there is a culture gap. should i be looking for anything in particular? i asked her friend for some tips and she said stuff such as no touching on first date (unless stuff like high fives or something) and not to be pushy. just wondering if anyone else experience such dates.

ps. wanting to be "friends" first sets my alarm bells. should i be concerned?

[melancholia]

This whole thing sounds quite juvenile to me. Why not just ask her out on a date to get to know her better, rather than in a group setting with mutual friends? The chances of you two having a decent conversation and actually getting to know each other is pretty slim. I can somewhat see the appeal, since you want to be comfortable, and for her to feel comfortable as well; but this seems odd to me. I think if you had reached out to her and said, "hey, I'm interested in getting to know you, would you be down to grab a coffee/lunch/whatever with me sometime?" it might be easier to find some common ground. But maybe she is super shy and feels safer communicating within a group. Since the group date is already planned, I suggest you have fun with it, use it as an opportunity to see this person among her friends, and then ask her out on a date that is just the two of you if you are interested in pursing anything further with her.

[Alopolo]

yeah apparentlly shes very shy and she doesnt have the greatest social life. this is more like a get together thing than a date. im going to let them know that after this im looking for a 1 on 1 date and nothing else.

but its still bothering me because from experience and from what i read group dates and friends firsts never works.

[melancholia]

Group dates can work, if the group is made up of fun people and you've already been on a real date with the person you're into lol. I think going into it with the expectation that you will be friends kinda makes it a buzzkill. I've never said to someone I'm interested in that I just wanted to be friends first. I wouldn't necessarily cancel the group plan, but definitely make it clear that you are looking for a date, and not just to be friends. Everything is a lot less complicated when you put your expectations on the table right away.

[Alopolo]

ok but let me add that i have not met this girl before officially. we just exchanged few words at a party from accross a table and that was that. thats why her friends are setting up the group thing. her friend says she knows of my intentions (relationship) but that she wants to be friends first. im planning on asking for a 1 on 1 date at the group meeting and if she declines then i will just leave and not look back. your second response tells me that this whole thing is a waste if im looking for a relationship and i agree with you. im just not sure why this girl is doing this if she is not attracted that way.

[DatingAlpha]

You could make anything work to what you want if you know how to. She's also interested in checking you out otherwise she won't agree. If she says "friends first", let me remind you, NEVER listen to what women say they want.

You saying, "if she declines then i will just leave and not look back.", means you got the exit plan worked out. And it's a good plan.

But if you do things right at the beginning and during the date, then you will end up together as you wanted.

Good luck!

[Alopolo]

You could make anything work to what you want if you know how to. She's also interested in checking you out otherwise she won't agree. If she says "friends first", let me remind you, NEVER listen to what women say they want.

You saying, "if she declines then i will just leave and not look back.", means you got the exit plan worked out. And it's a good plan.

But if you do things right at the beginning and during the date, then you will end up together as you wanted.

Good luck!

hi alpha and thanks for the response. Doing things right is were im stuck at. Normally the women I date are extroverts and very very open. Similar to me. however this woman is the gentle kind and very shy and introverted. I know people with different personalities can have a relationship together (just like it says on your website) and thats my goal. I used to be a shy introvert in grade school but after years of dealing with various people in the city i changed. Im wondering maybe i should go back to my "previous" self. perhaps tone it down a bit and just be very good to her and maybe a bit nice?

[melancholia]

let me remind you, NEVER listen to what women say they want.

This is officially the worst advice I've read on this forum. Definitely do the opposite of this if you ever want to get anywhere with a woman. OP, I think you are on the right track by going with the flow and agreeing to the group date, but letting this person know you are interested in getting to know her. Since she knows your intentions are for a relationship, then it could be that she is just shy and wants to feel comfortable, ergo the group setting. Hopefully there is a connection between you two and you can go on a second date, just the two of you.

[DatingAlpha]

hi alpha and thanks for the response. Doing things right is were im stuck at. Normally the women I date are extroverts and very very open. Similar to me. however this woman is the gentle kind and very shy and introverted. I know people with different personalities can have a relationship together (just like it says on your website) and thats my goal. I used to be a shy introvert in grade school but after years of dealing with various people in the city i changed. Im wondering maybe i should go back to my "previous" self. perhaps tone it down a bit and just be very good to her and maybe a bit nice?

Don't go back to your previous self, that's not you. She's interested on you as you are.

If I were you, I'll tone it down a notch or two then adjust as you get to know her. You'll be surprised as she gets comfortable and warms up on you.

Another reminder, being "nice", like kissing her ass with favors, is a disaster.

Good luck!

- - - Updated - - -

This is officially the worst advice I've read on this forum. Definitely do the opposite of this if you ever want to get anywhere with a woman. OP, I think you are on the right track by going with the flow and agreeing to the group date, but letting this person know you are interested in getting to know her. Since she knows your intentions are for a relationship, then it could be that she is just shy and wants to feel comfortable, ergo the group setting. Hopefully there is a connection between you two and you can go on a second date, just the two of you.

BEWARE

Gender: Female

BEWARE

[Gladimeir15]

Knowing that the girl is an asian then you should be careful with your gesture. It is correct that you should avoid touching her because asian women are very sensitive with that certain issue. However, talking about your concern, maybe I have experience such thing but it is so good to hear that you have considered an asian girl for a date and not being so racist.

[megvoh]

To Op: Just friends at first shouldn't set off alarm bells, you don't know each other yet, and she wants to take it slow and get to know you as a person first, that is very respectful and means also she isn't sleazy and a bed jumper so another plus. If she was born in the same country as you it shouldn't matter if you are from different cultures, just means her parents view things differently then yours might view them, but doesn't automatically mean she does.

Be polite and attentive, and have fun.

[Alopolo]

To Op: Just friends at first shouldn't set off alarm bells, you don't know each other yet, and she wants to take it slow and get to know you as a person first, that is very respectful and means also she isn't sleazy and a bed jumper so another plus. If she was born in the same country as you it shouldn't matter if you are from different cultures, just means her parents view things differently then yours might view them, but doesn't automatically mean she does.

Be polite and attentive, and have fun.

hey thanks for the response. she was not born here. she went to high school here but she has only lived in the west for 5 years. All i know is she is shy, likes to drink lol and likes asian (korean) music and drama.

shes not the innocent little girl that i think i seem to have accidentallly portrayed though. she does have some fire in her from what i have heard but she is just not as social as rest of her friends.

[megvoh]

If she isn't as innocent and a bit more worldly and adventurous less likely you will offend her, so maybe just be yourself, but also still a gentlemen.

[Alopolo]

If she isn't as innocent and a bit more worldly and adventurous less likely you will offend her, so maybe just be yourself, but also still a gentlemen.

thats exactly what i did. the group thing went well and at some points we got seperated from the rest and got to talk personal. anyway day after this i msged her and asked if she wants to grab a drink. she asked me not to take it the wrong way but she wants to go out as a group one last time before datig me. she said shes different from other girls and she is not very outgoing and likes to be more comfortable with me. i disagreed at first and said friendship is not what im looking for but she said that im misunderstanding and she knows that we dont want to be just friends. so as strange as this is we are doing another group getogether. the thing is since that day (2days ago) she hasnt initiated any conversations. i have been radio silent too and im planning to keep it this way until the group date which is in 5 days from now. im not really putting up much stock on anything happening and im not emotionally attached whatever the outcome. I'm just going to be who I am and if it doesnt work out, well there is a bus every 15min.

[megvoh]

That sounds ok and alright and fair to me what she asked re going for another group date, gets her more comfy being around you for when you take it just 1 on 1.
You could text and ask if she would like you to pick her up for the group date, or not what you'd want to do?
Just wait and see how it goes and feels after the second group date, might be too early to call it right now if she takes things slower than most.
Good luck.