Married guy , didn't give a closure - Please Help!!!!!!!!!!

[janet16]

I'm a 33 year old female. This is the first time I'm posting something here seeking suggestions & advice . I really need them right now please.

So, like 2 years ago I met a guy online. I'm a 33 year old , independent girl in Technology field in DC , looking for a relationship . I met a guy online in 2014 . We both exchanged numbers, company information & etc. He is a CEO of a defense consulting firm in DC & not to mention he is a millionaire . The reason I mention this is b/c he did not hide his company information in DC, his desk office phone & soon we both started texting / emailing to his work email & work number directly. That gave me a lot of trust & confidence that he is not playing around & etc.I have informed him I have no kids, never married & looking for a relation & not games. He mentioned he is in the similar boat, never married & no kids whatsoever.

Within a week he asked me out but it was me, I was a bit travelling for work on a off & also wanted to first text & talk few times over phone , get to know him & then go on a date in person. So, I kinda gave a rain check a couple of times & soon I had to relocate to Chicago for work ( temporary assignment for a year). When I left to IL , I did not even make a point to text him since I was busy myself relocating. He soon texted me again within two weeks gap but surprisingly since even though I relocated he continued to communicate, call me, text me long distance. He would check on me almost every week if I didn't call him or text him. I was really surprised & loved all the attention he was giving me. He continued to live in DC & I continued to live in IL . He again asked me out like three to four times in a year but it never worked out. I'm the one to blame not him. I was exploring having fun in Chicago that I didn't bother much to make actual plans. One day I have asked him if I can add him on FB. He indicated he has deleted FB years ago after starting to work for Pentagon since he has a Security Clearance & etc, so he avoids social networking altogether.

I felt it made sense & never kind of suspected him since I would directly text to his cell or office or personal email etc. We both never bothered to even exchange home phone numbers. But he would show me all the interest, telling me how beautiful I am, (He would ask me my pictures every weekend when I get ready & go out). telling me how amazing I am & that he is falling in love with me & can't wait to see me. He would never ignore my texts & no matter where he is around the world travelling he would always respond ( though delayed by a day or two sometimes).

He would text me without fail on all important occasions like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas without fail. I meant, like Thanksgiving is a special day we spend with our family. For a guy I haven't even met I would not waste my time texting to him but he would take time on these special days & would wish me to make sure I had happy holidays.

This continued until last week. Last Sunday, I was on my computer & kind felt like doing a background check on him. ( Not even sure why but perhaps god made me have this feeling) . I sat in front of my laptop & used few sites googling his first name, last name , company information etc. Surprisingly, I found out that he is infact 'married' man with a wife & two kinds living in the suburban DC in a 3 million dollar mansion. He is not 34 ( as he claimed), the site claimed he is 44.

The site also pointed me to few pictures posted by his wife on few social networking sites.

My heart just broke. I was in denial the entire day, Not sure how to ask or approach him with the evidence I found, I was debating the entire day. That evening, I went out with friends, out of sorrow I had alcohol & got into a DUI. ( My first DUI ever in life)

That was how much I was heartbroken. The next morning, I build up all the courage & texted him with all the evidence I found asking him why he had to lie to me like this. The texts were very long & detailed.


I have informed him of how heartbroken I was that I found out he is married with kids. & that I started to love him, he was already close to my heart though we never met & I have not expected all this lies from him. I told him how unsettling it has been that I myself got in trouble with the law for drunk driving. I told him I have been weeping for days & it has been very upsetting me since I liked him so much & never expected this behavior from him. I have informed him I wanted to date him after we meet in person but he lied to me & how broken my heart is, how devastated it has been with the fact that he lied his age, his marital status , lied about his kids & etc.

The guy never responded to my long texts - why?

I waited for a day, two days, called him, it went to VM , wrote him emails but he never bothered to even respond, apologize & say sorry for breaking my heart.

why did he not give me closure. why did he not apologize or confess? Did he plead his fifth? was he afraid if he apologizes, it would be an indirect confession & I could take him to court & seek his money? ( He is a millionaire & I am not)

I pleaded him to respond, reply, give me a reason as to why he did it but he totally ignored my texts

why? - Did he not care for my feelings? - A guy who would 'take time' to text m on Thanksgiving, Halloween, Valentines day, Christmas day, NYE , who cared for my feelings so much, has suddenly disappeared when I confronted him with evidence??

as he really afraid I might approach his wife ? did he not care for my feelings?

did he not love me whatsoever nor cared for my feelings?

I'm going mad, crazy, weeping every day. I loved him equally & he was close to my heart. We both wanted to date each other soon after I moved back to DC & wanted to go on dates..Please help me



especially guys, I want to understand what was he thinking all this while & why did he not respond me & give me a closure!! Please help!!!!

[melancholia]

If it was that easy for you to find out the truth about him, he is a real f*cking idiot. He lied to you so easily and you believed it until you did your background check on him, which clearly you noticed some red flags from him or you wouldn't have checked in the first place. Once you confronted him about what you found, he ignored you because the game is over. He knows you know the truth and why would he bother continuing this game if there's no game left to play? You were played by a guy who was either bored of his life, or so greedy that he wants to have his cake (wife and kids) and eat it too (play mind games with you). You can see how easy it is to send someone a text message that says how much you care about them, want to see them, and ask about their day... it's so easy, it literally takes ten seconds of effort and nothing else. Him sending you texts weekly, and on holidays, isn't even close to expressing love. It's the exact opposite of love, actually, because at times when he should have been giving his family love and attention, he was sending you messages. That is so unfair to everyone involved. It's not your fault that he chose to lie to you and give you attention. If he'd told you about his wife and kids I highly doubt you would have entertained the idea of getting to know him, and he figured that out as well. He created this lie to get attention from you, when he wanted, when it was convenient for him; and he used you as a distraction from his own misery. None of this is your fault, but please, please do not waste another second of your life and energy on a person who can so easily lie and manipulate everyone around him.

Closure isn't a real thing. We all crave it, but honestly, what could he possibly say to you to make you feel better about this, and what could he do to actually give you "closure"? Probably nothing. And even if he could say, or do, something to help ease your embarrassment and pain of being lied to, it still won't feel like closure. Use THIS as closure. Use the horrible feeling you had when you discovered he was lying to you all this time as closure. Use the frustration and anger and disappointment to motivate you into moving on. You deserve better than to be treated like this, and there are FAR better men out there than this guy. So what if he has millions of dollars, he is still an asshole. Don't waste any more of your energy on someone who is committed to lying and manipulating you, because I guarantee you that if you continue to try to contact him, either he will never talk to you again, or he will come up with some other way to continue this lie, and to continue manipulating you until you've wasted years of your life on someone who doesn't actually give a f*ck about you. This may sound harsh. And it is. But that's because what he did was sh*tty and you do not deserve to be treated like sh*t. Do not think for one second that you owe this guy anything. You don't. Focus on yourself and your own needs and focus on doing things that make you happy and feel good. Eventually you will move on from this and you can, and will, find someone who is ready to be there for you, for real; and whom cares about you and wants to be with you. He's out there, you just have to believe it, and believe in yourself.

Best of luck to you. Sorry you got catfished.

[janet16]

Melan

Thank you for your reply. Did you think perhaps he started his casually but may be liked me eventually & was afraid if he would confess he is married I would end it?
why would sometime continue lying for almost two years?

[melancholia]

No. I don't think that at all. I don't think he ever intended to meet you, except maybe to hook up. It's hard to say if he would have actually followed through and paid for you to go visit him, but you never did. So there's no way to know for sure if he would have met up with you, but I definitely do not believe that he was nervous about you finding out his situation. I think he assumed he could cover it up easily, although you didn't have to do much to uncover his secret, so he is either exceptionally obtuse, or he isn't very good at lying. It's really easy to lie over text/email/phone. It becomes much harder to lie when you meet someone face to face and have to continue a relationship with them. Now that you know his secret, he doesn't have to keep up with it, and he doesn't have to talk to you anymore. He will probably find another target to use, just like he did with you. I'm not saying this to try to make you feel bad. I'm saying this so that you wake up and realize that you deserve better than this. You are sitting here, anxious and worried about someone who didn't have enough respect for you to be honest with you. Those are the bare minimum basics of the foundation of a relationship, so there is no way this would have evolved into something serious or real.

The good news is that you are free of the burden of trying to figure him out. You can move on, and you should move on. You can pick yourself up and remind yourself that you deserve better. You deserve love, respect, attention, and happiness. This guy isn't the guy for you, but the right guy is out there. You just have to be patient and willing to be open to the idea of loving someone else.

[hazey daisy]

Tip: if it sounds too good to be true then it is. Most honest guys don't spend 2 years chatting to someone online they have no intention of meeting. Go get a hobby or an interest that forces you to go out and socialize and meet new people.