Can a man really change his cheating, lying ways???

[Desperate1]

Hello,

Basically, this is like history repeating itself for me, but only worse this time!!! I could really do with some advice...

So at the end of Sept my ex left me saying he missed his three children in another country and needed to go back to them. He left and I found out I was pregnant. I told him at Christmas about the baby and he told me he still loved me and wanted to come back to me. He had no money so I paid for his flight back. Sadly I lost the baby two weeks after Christmas, and was totally devastated. My ex said he still needed to be with me and he came back mid January.

For the first few weeks after he came back it was good. He was attentive, loving, supportive but he wasn't working so I was paying the rent on the flat, all the bills, food, petrol etc etc. It was getting stressful because money was so tight, even though my ex was looking for a job. Eventually I cracked and told him he needed to stop eating all the food while I was at work cos I couldn't afford to keep replacing it, and that he'd just have to get any job for now to help out with bills etc. And I told him that while he wasn't working he'd need to do the housework and cooking etc. He did it, begrudgingly. After that I noticed that he was being very sneaky on one of his two phones!!! He would hide the phone from me and it wouldn't leave his side. I started noticing that he was on it in the early hours of the morning while we were in bed and he'd hide it if I woke up. He didn't know I was aware but I was. I started to get suspicious and he then started becoming more helpful in the flat, doing housework that he wouldn't normally do. He also seemed like he wasn't really with me and didn't seem interested in sex or in me in general. He still held me and we held hands if we were out and snuggled on the sofa but it was like he was going through the motions. It was like his head was elsewhere. And I was right!

Then, just three months after he came back, he woke up on the Sunday morning, got dressed and told me he was going for a walk. I never heard or saw from him again! I emailed him to say that he must really hate me to leave me this way. The first time he left he emailed to say he was so sorry for the way we ended and he sent me money to cover bills etc. But this time nothing. No explanation, no emails, no sorry, nothing. Which has left me without closure and I'm struggling to cope. But in an ironic twist, I now find out that I'm pregnant again. I have real mixed emotions... I am so happy because it's what I always wanted, but not as a single parent. I wanted to be a family with my ex. And also after the two losses I had before I'm scared that the same thing will happen.

I should mention that since my ex left I found out that when he left me the first time he went back to his wife, and was also having an affair with another woman. He has now returned back to this woman, so my sources tell me. He is living with her.

I have decided that I HAVE to tell him about the baby. Whether I take him back is another matter if he chooses to come back. My question is not whether I should take him back or not. If he decides that he wants to come back I will have conditions for him. BUT, what I need help with is this... Can a man really change his lying, cheating ways? It seems he's been doing this for years. He was genuinely happy both times I got pregnant. He's messed up with his three boys who no longer want any contact with him, because he's left them three times. Maybe he will welcome the fresh start. But can a man really change. I will stress that he MUST have counselling - I know he had issues as a child, with rejection and has low self esteem. What else can I do to ensure that this time our relationship works and he doesn't feel 'trapped' in our relationship and WANTS to stay?? I will impose some rules, but not entirely sure what those rules should be. Obviously, as I said, counselling, couples counselling, but not sure what else I can do to help him. I pray for him, that he has the strength to realise he has a problem and that he needs to change. But is that enough. In all honestly I don't know that I can say no if he wants to come back. I do love him despite the way he treated me and now it's not just me. There's a baby involved. I can't knowingly keep him from his child. I would never do that. But at the same time I still love him and can't be just 'friends' with him. If he says he doesn't want to come back then I will cut all ties with him because I can't deal with him changing his mind in a few months, when I've possibly gotten over him!

Sorry this is just rambling now...But I would really, really appreciate any advice from anyone. Thanks so much for reading this far!!

[hazey daisy]

Wish you came here before you decided to take him back the last time....I would have told you to run for the hills, get a lawyer and make him pay for child support. Now? run for the hills and get a lawyer and nail him for more child support. Don't let this guy touch you again. Think about it....his wife had three kids with him and that never made him stay........

[Desperate1]

Thanks Hazey Daisy. You're absolutely right, I should run for the hills, but I'm not strong enough to do that right now. Being extra hormonal doesn't help! Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[melancholia]

You should be strong enough. Force yourself to be that strong. If not for you, then for the sake of your child. All he should be good for is paying child support, but he doesn't have a job, so I doubt he will even step up the plate enough to do that. The more you cater to him and try and make things work with him, you are only reinforcing his sh*tty, immature, dead beat behavior. Do yourself, and your baby, a favor and cut him out of your life.

[hazey daisy]

Thanks Hazey Daisy. You're absolutely right, I should run for the hills, but I'm not strong enough to do that right now. Being extra hormonal doesn't help! Thanks for taking the time to reply.

You should seek out counseling for yourself. You can probably find free counseling at a family planning clinic in your area. They will also direct you to where you can access useful resources for your baby's needs.

[Wakeup]

If you tell him about the baby I doubt he'll believe you.

And also after the two losses I had before I'm scared that the same thing will happen.

Why are you not on birth control if want children within a family dynamic? This guy is out of work, not committed to you, went back to his wife while having an affair with someone else. I can't understand why pregnancies keep happening to you under the same dynamic.

I agree with the above poster. Get counselling so that you don't get into the same type of situation with the next guy you get with. They will tell you if you have a snowballs chance of getting this guy to pay regular child support payments now that he's left the country again.

BTW: He's not going to change for you or anyone else. He doesn't have to when there are women that keep enabling him to be the cad that he is.

[Desperate1]

If you tell him about the baby I doubt he'll believe you.
Why are you not on birth control if want children within a family dynamic? This guy is out of work, not committed to you, went back to his wife while having an affair with someone else. I can't understand why pregnancies keep happening to you under the same dynamic.

I agree with the above poster. Get counselling so that you don't get into the same type of situation with the next guy you get with. They will tell you if you have a snowballs chance of getting this guy to pay regular child support payments now that he's left the country again.

BTW: He's not going to change for you or anyone else. He doesn't have to when there are women that keep enabling him to be the cad that he is.

I know, and I've thought about that a lot... whether he chooses to believe me about the baby or not is up to him. I am in this for the long term whether he wants to be involved or not.

I am speaking to a counsellor on Friday. If I can, I will insist on child support, because I believe he owes me that at least, or at least his child ... God willing all will be well with this pregnancy. It makes me angry that he still seems to have a hold on me that I can't let go of but I'm growing stronger every day. When I do eventually tell him (and this is non negotiable, I HAVE to tell him or I would never forgive myself and I believe it's the right thing to do in the eyes of God too) I am hoping that I will be strong enough to tell him that I want nothing to do with him.

Thanks for your reply.

[melancholia]

I am speaking to a counsellor on Friday.

This is good news. Counseling is very helpful in order to guide you into making better, healthier decisions for yourself. It's not just about you anymore, you have a baby on the way, and you need to get some serious work done, with the help of a professional, to assist you in breaking this pattern of self-destruction.

If I can, I will insist on child support, because I believe he owes me that at least, or at least his child

Here's something you need to learn right now, because you haven't learned this yet. Nobody owes you sh*t. It's not other people's responsibility to make your bad choices make sense. Do not rely on anybody other than yourself, because everyone, at some point, will disappoint you. Sure, there are people out there who will help you out when you need it, but if your expectation is that someone else will take care of you, or they will magically give you everything you need, you will be sorely disappointed. He has not shown you any signs of changing his ways, and it boggles my f&cking mind that you can't see these giant red flags.

It makes me angry that he still seems to have a hold on me that I can't let go of but

Sorry to say this, but it's not his fault that he has this hold on you. It's yours. You are so reluctant to see him (and the relationship) for what it is because you are hoping that one day he will wake up and realize he's been treating you like sh*t and he needs to change. That is not going to happen. That only happens in the movies and the fantasies of children, and delusional people.

I'm growing stronger every day.

Good.

When I do eventually tell him (and this is non negotiable, I HAVE to tell him or I would never forgive myself and I believe it's the right thing to do in the eyes of God too) I am hoping that I will be strong enough to tell him that I want nothing to do with him.

Actually, you don't have to tell him. You want to tell him because you think it's your last trump card; that he will miraculously fall in love with the baby growing inside you, and magically grow respect for you. Which he won't. You don't have to list him as the father on the birth certificate, you have the option to leave that blank. If you make the mistake of giving him any parental rights whatsoever, then you lose the power to be your child's one and only provider. It doesn't mean you have to do this alone, but what it does mean, is that you are not thinking about your baby's best interest. You are thinking of yourself and you are scrambling to try and coerce this man into getting back together with you. Do not make that mistake, unless you want to go through this whole circus act again and again. They say that the classic form of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. If you want results to change, CHANGE your behavior. The only person you have power and control over in this world is yourself. I hope you learn that from counseling, and that you find the guidance you need to smarten up and be the absolute best mother you can possibly be to your child.

[Wakeup]

I know, and I've thought about that a lot... whether he chooses to believe me about the baby or not is up to him. I am in this for the long term whether he wants to be involved or not.

I am speaking to a counsellor on Friday. If I can, I will insist on child support, because I believe he owes me that at least, or at least his child ... God willing all will be well with this pregnancy. It makes me angry that he still seems to have a hold on me that I can't let go of but I'm growing stronger every day. When I do eventually tell him (and this is non negotiable, I HAVE to tell him or I would never forgive myself and I believe it's the right thing to do in the eyes of God too) I am hoping that I will be strong enough to tell him that I want nothing to do with him.

Thanks for your reply.

You never answered why pregnancies keep happening to you when you're not in a committed, family unit when being pregnant in a committed family dynamic is what you want? Why would you have a high risk pregnancy with a man that not only doesn't want to commit to you but can't since he's married?

[red romeo]

oh vey people good advice baaaad delivering. religion is a part of her life can you not think why no birth control? yes you do need help. yes you need to help yourself. yes you need to help your children. so even though its hard you got to take a look at yourself who you are and why he became so important to you to begin with. everybody who has posted advice has all given you gold some nicer than others but they are all focused on the now and the pregnancy what happened to you? were you always this way? is this how you thought of love? what shaped it? what has shaped your life? is this who you want to be? is this how you want to be? want do you want? these are the question you should be asking yourself everyone really should be asking themselves these questions and not trying to find answers or solution in others