Hi Guys!

Today I am writing about an issue I deeply have throughout an on and off 8 year relationship. I apologize if it is long I’m hoping to explain everything possible in order for you guys to best advise what I should do.

About me:
I am a 27 year old male.

Beginning

Lets call my ex Holly. I met Holly when I was 18 and she was 20 were so in love, and she is the perfect girl. It was about the 2nd year mark and at this stage she was 22 and I was 20. Being 20 I was still very immature and never thought of the future however in her case, she wanted to settle down and get married. I think because I showed no signs of wanting to get married or settle down with her at that stage it lead her to make wrong decisions. It wasn’t too late after that I found out she had been secretly talking to another guy via email. This was also the first time we broke up, but about a month later we got back since I believe it was my fault initially that led her to do such things.

Everything was fine until about a year later, again I discovered she was chatting to her ex from overseas and then she told me she was going interstate with her friends but to my discovery she had a ticket to another country(which is her home country, where her ex is). At this point I was very confused and very angry but for some reason I never told her, because I didn’t want to believe it that again she is lying.

Also at this stage I started smoking ice(meth) due to depression. During this time I had a close work friend that we shared our relationship problems with together, and she was really the one there for me at that time, lets call her Lucy shes 6 years older then me. While Holly was overseas, Lucy was there for me to comfort me and advise me what to do and say. Lucy encouraged me to break up with Holly for good and for some reason we started to develop a relationship. We ended up smoking ice(meth) and then had sex. During this time with Lucy our relationship was just about drugs and alcohol, and it really helped me forget about Holly.

Now a month has passed and Holly is now back home.

She is looking for me desperately and wants me back extremely bad and was sorry for lying and admitted nothing ever happened between her and her ex and that she had friends to prove shes not lying. At this point in time I was quite hooked on the drug meth and my mind was really against Holly and I was so cold to her. She came to my house crying endlessly at the front door and just pouring her heart out for me but time after time, I rejected her.
It was one month after that the whole table turned upside down.

Holly stopped and came to her sense, with the help of her friends she eventually starting to see another guy and it was also the same time that I started to WAKE UP. Meaning I stopped the drugged and realized what the hell am I doing with an older woman living this life style when I had the girl of dreams pouring her heart out for me. But it was TOO LATE.

It was soon after when the drugs cleared up that I realized what my actions have caused and that what I had was gone, in fact the best I had was gone. For the next year I was chasing her back until she eventually met someone and I was out of the picture. It was now that she really moved on and I also had to move on.

The next 3 years I spent being depressed, regretting and just finding myself.

Until 1 day I received a message on FB and it was Holly! I was excited and we ended up meeting up and the feelings started to come back and we actually had sex a couple of times. At this stage I was actually excited and happy because ive always wanted Holly back. At this stage in my life I was not too keen on getting back with Holly because I felt I was not stable and not where I need to be in life and I felt embarrassed. I am now 27 still living at home with my mother however I am planning to buy a house at the end of the year. Holly is now 29 and she already has a house(which she claimed her ex bought for her).

NOW THIS IS THE CURRENT PROBLEM

Since we have been back I have helped her out financially a lot even helping her with her house repayments. But things are not feeling right for me at the moment. Couple of things.
1. She insisted that because she has too much stress she does not feel like having sex when she sees me for the time being, she just wants to relax and spend time together. ( we haven’t had sex for over 6 months)
2. I discovered her ex(or so she claims) is currently locked up in jail.

Right now I don’t know what to think. Sex to me is very important in a relationship and I don’t know if she’s lying to me again because of our past, I do love her and I won’t have a problem respecting her wishes about sex, but I don’t know if things between her and her ex is over and I feel that I’m just a replacement financially until he is released.
I honestly don’t know what to think and do, is this relationship just gone too far? Should I just end it? I do love her but I am also scared to commit while she doesn’t really have to.

The reason why i still have hope in a relationship with Holly is because we have great chemistry, and our love was pure but due to our innocent mistakes when we were young became like a domino effect that ultimately destroyed our relationship. And because of that i still believe that it can be a learning thing for us and we can grow from it and have a future together forever. (But am i just in a fantasy land? to think like that?)

What should I do, I hope you guys understand my situation and can help me as I am pretty much at the end of the road and I am getting exhausted, I feel like just leaving to another country for a while to forget her for good. Its been 8years since we’ve met and since ive loved her, should I just face reality and accept that this is just not going to happen? Or should I gamble and listen to her and believe her? and commit to a relationship that is on her terms? I do love her and would marry her.