Some questions from a guy who hasn't dated for 5 years.

[Marko0]

First off without going into too much detail the last 5 years of my life I've hit rock bottom when my girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me with my best friend. Despite this break up it's my own fault for the way I've ruined my life in the years that have followed from my fitness, debt, weight, giving up on everything and basically becoming a loner. I decide a few months ago to start changing my life and I'm doing that I'm losing weight and my debt is going down but I have a few questions I'd like you're help on, instead of making new threads I thought I'd make them in one.

1. Can you give me some ways to build my confidence? As you can imagine I have really low confidence especially around girls, I have really low opinion of myself and I kind expect them to have the same.

2. How can I give a better first impression? This maybe the same response as above but before I got myself in the mess I'm in now, people wanted to get to know me always said I was cool guy or nice guy after few minutes of knowing me.

3. Tinder & happn are they are bad idea for me? I've actually already signed up to both and I do have quite a lot matches but I can't hold conversation with people.

4. More importantly should I even be trying to date or should I concentrate on myself for now? I feel as if there's still along way to go before I'm myself again and I'm not sure if a relationship would motivate me to do better or if it ends bad bring me back to square one.

5. Finally is a fresh start a good idea? Again before I got myself into this mess one of my goals was to move to bigger city that offers better job opportunities for my field. Now I feel my job is the one thing that's ruining my life from the hours to lack of progression. I don't know if the pressure of having to meet new people will help me.



Thanks in advance for any advice.

[melancholia]

First off without going into too much detail the last 5 years of my life I've hit rock bottom when my girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me with my best friend. Despite this break up it's my own fault for the way I've ruined my life in the years that have followed from my fitness, debt, weight, giving up on everything and basically becoming a loner. I decide a few months ago to start changing my life and I'm doing that I'm losing weight and my debt is going down but I have a few questions I'd like you're help on, instead of making new threads I thought I'd make them in one.

First of all, it's not your fault that your girlfriend cheated on you, or that your friend is a complete douche bag. People choose to cheat because they want to. Not because you pushed them into it. You deserve better than that, and those people deserve each other because they did not have respect for your respective relationships.

1. Can you give me some ways to build my confidence? As you can imagine I have really low confidence especially around girls, I have really low opinion of myself and I kind expect them to have the same.

Fake it. Fake it until you believe it to be true. What would you say to your best friend if they talked about themselves the way you are? Would you tell them they are a loser who doesn't deserve to be happy, or would you try to encourage them to feel better about themselves, and that they deserve to be happy? Think of yourself the way you would about your best friend, or someone really close to you. So many of us are so hard on ourselves all the time, and it's not a good feeling. It sounds cliche, but when you love yourself, other people gravitate toward that energy and they can't help but love you back.

2. How can I give a better first impression? This maybe the same response as above but before I got myself in the mess I'm in now, people wanted to get to know me always said I was cool guy or nice guy after few minutes of knowing me.

This is quite similar to your first question, but what are the types of things you would say/ask/do that would make people think of you that way? You must have good, interesting qualities about you, or you wouldn't have anyone good in your life. Try to find ways to connect with people who are interested in the same things as you are; but also, try learning about things you may not have thought about trying before. When we open ourselves up to new experiences, we discover a lot more about ourselves and other people. Having an open mind and trying new things is a great way to build confidence and get excited about life again.

3. Tinder & happn are they are bad idea for me? I've actually already signed up to both and I do have quite a lot matches but I can't hold conversation with people.

Nope, it's a great idea to try them out. If you've never tried them before, how would you know if it's right for you or not? I suggest that you use both apps and see what you can get out of each one. I also suggest, if you are open to it, to try meeting as many different people as you can. Even if you aren't necessarily attracted to them, go out with them anyway. Have some fun and try not to have so many expectations built up about meeting someone to fall in love with. It should be about creating new experiences and meeting new people, and expanding your mind to new and exciting things. You will most likely meet a lot of duds, a couple b!tches, but also a bunch of really cool people you never would have encountered had you not tried the app. You can also try other online dating sites, I'd suggest Plenty of fish or OK Cupid as they are free. But if you want to get serious about meeting someone, there are also online dating services that you pay to subscribe to. I know people who have met their current partners through the free, and paid online dating apps.

4. More importantly should I even be trying to date or should I concentrate on myself for now? I feel as if there's still along way to go before I'm myself again and I'm not sure if a relationship would motivate me to do better or if it ends bad bring me back to square one.

I think you can do both at the same time. People say you need to be whole before you can be with someone else; and while that is true to be able to form a healthy attachment in a potential long term relationship, I think you can date people and work on yourself at the same time. A huge part of dating is learning what you want and don't want from a potential partner or relationship. The only way to do that is by dating different types of people. The only way you will improve your life is by making lifestyle changes that are positive. Drop anything, anyone, and any belief, habit, or idea that holds you back from being who you want to be. So often, we talk ourselves out of how we truly feel, so that we can stay comfortable in the moment. But that always backfires. Stick to your guns and focus on improving your life and living your life the way you want to. You can't go wrong if you are doing things and surrounding yourself with positive energy.

5. Finally is a fresh start a good idea? Again before I got myself into this mess one of my goals was to move to bigger city that offers better job opportunities for my field. Now I feel my job is the one thing that's ruining my life from the hours to lack of progression. I don't know if the pressure of having to meet new people will help me.

What makes you think that a fresh start wouldn't be a good idea? Of course it is a good idea. Nobody wants to stay stuck in one spot for the rest of eternity, we would all go insane. Taking risks and opening yourself up to new - and better - opportunities is a great way to launch yourself into changing for the better. There is pressure when meeting new people, but the best part about meeting new people and living in a new city is that you get to reinvent yourself. When we are stuck in the same place, with the same people for so long, we tend to hold ourselves back from changing. We do that because we place a lot of value on the way other people view us and their opinion of what we should be doing, and who we should be.

Stop living your life based on other people's skewed vision of you. Start living your life based on how you want to live it. Do not be apologetic for living the life you want to live. Do things you love, that make you feel good. Stop doing things you don't like, that make you feel exhausted, frustrated, anxious, or any other negative type of emotion. Negative emotions carry a lot of weight, but positive emotions are more powerful. You just have to believe in yourself a little more, and you have to be kinder, gentler, and a little more patient with yourself as well.

[Marko0]

Wow thanks for you're in depth reply I really wasn't expecting that. I've took a lot of great advise from you're reply. Touching on the last paragraph I feel I am living on peoples opinion of me and I'm just settling for that a replaying it on loop everyday, when in fact it's not me at all, that's why I feel a fresh start would do me good.

I just have a couple more things to ask

1. How big a deal is confidence (not over confident)? I've never been the best looking guy but when I was younger just generally being a nice guy and confident and maybe a bit different to everyone else kind of was the attraction and I dated a lot of people that by looks alone you would say I wouldn't have a chance.

2. What to do? Basically I was chatting to a girl on tinder things seemed to be going really well when she just stopped replying so I thought she just not into me....... roll on 3 weeks same girl has liked me on happn sending me charms to let me know she likes me I'm kinda of a little confused what to even say to her or say nothing?

[melancholia]

Wow thanks for you're in depth reply I really wasn't expecting that. I've took a lot of great advise from you're reply. Touching on the last paragraph I feel I am living on peoples opinion of me and I'm just settling for that a replaying it on loop everyday, when in fact it's not me at all, that's why I feel a fresh start would do me good.

You came to the right forum to ask for advice then

1. How big a deal is confidence (not over confident)? I've never been the best looking guy but when I was younger just generally being a nice guy and confident and maybe a bit different to everyone else kind of was the attraction and I dated a lot of people that by looks alone you would say I wouldn't have a chance.

Confidence is important when it comes to attracting people (and not just romantic interests, but even friends). When you lack confidence, you project negative energy out into the world and other people can sense that, even if they can't pinpoint it or articulate it. Feeling confident in who you are, not what you look like, will not only improve the way you feel about yourself, but it will literally change the way you appear to other people. Positive energy attracts positive people, and negative energy will attract negative people. Being physically attractive in a standard sense is nowhere near as important as self confidence and the only way to get there, is by doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Also remember, that women love nice guys. People say women don't like nice guys, but that's not true. We love nice men. Nice men are great, it's just that a lot of men have a lot of other sh!tty qualities about them that distract us from their nice demeanor. If you are truly a nice guy, which it sounds like you are, then you shouldn't have a problem meeting other nice, fun, exciting people. I think you need to work on finding ways to improve your self confidence, and that might mean trying new things, or getting back into old hobbies/interests that you might have put on the back burner.

2. What to do? Basically I was chatting to a girl on tinder things seemed to be going really well when she just stopped replying so I thought she just not into me....... roll on 3 weeks same girl has liked me on happn sending me charms to let me know she likes me I'm kinda of a little confused what to even say to her or say nothing?

Online dating can be challenging. It happens a lot where you will talk to someone and they will either pull the slow fade on you or ghost entirely. It can mean anything; maybe they weren't that interested in you, maybe they met someone else they connected more with, maybe they just liked the attention and didn't really plan on following through with meeting you... who knows. It's important to keep in mind that those people aren't worth thinking about. The more you face rejection, the less it hurts. If you go into these things with an open mind, and only the expectation of the possibility of meeting some cool new people, the less it hurts when you get let down. The best part of these apps is there is always someone new right around the corner (literally, and figuratively), and if someone starts to ignore you, or falls off the radar, then they weren't the right person for you anyway.

The biggest thing you need to start telling yourself is that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have great things in life, and if what you really want is a relationship and to settle down with someone special, it will happen for you. There are people out there who want the same things that you want, but being patient, and keeping your mind open are the best ways to get through it. Meeting the right person at the right time is key, and once you meet the right person, everything falls into place, naturally; and it won't feel like the time you spent leading up to it was a burden.