Please advise

[Ana01]

Please advise
Hi.

I'm in the biggest ... I've ever been in my life and I feel confused and completely lost. I'm gonna turn 26 in less than a month and I just feel life is continuing with no meaning at all.

I used to be very idealistic, thinking I will find the one, fall in love, live happily ever after. I had my first boyfriend at age 19 having in mind that he was the one for me. In time we have our struggles. We separated a few times and I was doing all efforts for us to get back together and he was acting extremely aggressive (not physically, ever). Then,throughout the relationship I found some conversations he had with other girls flirting. I never had a proof that something ever happened.

After 4, 5 years of relationship he started to become very involved in his business, obsessed with making money. I started to be more and more alone, he was not paying attention to me not he had any intention to get married or anything.

And then,after my grandfather died I had a collapse thinking it has to be more than this of this life. And I started not to care about his attitude, though I was not able to leave. I found myself then flirting with a guy at work that was like Adonis for all the girls around. Only that he was married with a small kid...

We flirted for several months, nothing happened, until one point... It's been a year since, a year since I've been crying every day of my life. I was running from my reality and now I'm stuck. We both after not to fall in love, was kind of a pact. Although he was always kind of complicated for him. We had a connection like I never imagined possible, and as long as he said, he felt the same. Like he never lived something so intense in his almost 40 years. We went to the beach together, we shared lots of stuff and I fell in love like the biggest idiot ever.

When he was last on a holiday he was writing me telling how much he would want for me to be there. Then when we saw each other he was holding me desperately, almost to tears... Every time we were together there were fireworks and an addiction to each other I could never explain.

A few weeks ago his wife told him he wanted to take a break because he was distant of her and a few days later she hacked into his whapp and found a conversation from where she could acknowledge that he was cheating. When he told me, he was touching my arm gently and I just couldn't hold it and I kissed him. He madly kissed me back...

After that his wife tried to call me. I did not reply. Anyway, I found out he invented a story to make him look like a nicer guy to his wife, said he didn't want to be like his dad and grandfather, and that he needed to be there with his son that his whole life was there, that he cared about her. That he had other priorities now and that he never allowed himself to feel anything in relation with me, that he didn't want to hurt me but it was only lust and desire.

Now he is out of his home of his wife requeste, who also said wanted the divorce. She probably won't go for it for the kid, for the debts they have together, for her green card, and probably because she loves him.

The point is I do not seem to assimilate it. I can't get rid of the feeling that he felt much more, that I was not a stupid person living the story by myself. And apart that , is my official relationship, with the one and only boyfriend I've ever had. No that I am so apart from him he is trying to get me back. But I don't love him anymore, I love the married guy, the one who seems to not care about me at all in the end.

I know it's bad, but I do want them to divorce because I can't help being selfish, because I miss him like he'll and because I sometimes feel that if it weren't for his son, we would have been together a long time ago.

I just don't know what to do. I wait for sth it may only be in my head, I give another try with my boyfriend or do I simply go on with my life. Start over...

[Mech Mushroom]

That's pretty sucky I'm really sorry about all that. Really. Emotions, as amazing as they can be, can sometimes be our extreme enemies, almost forcing us to do things we may or may not believe is the right thing to do.

The first thing I'll say is to never go back to that first guy. If he didn't love you enough for those several years earlier, what's to say the same thing won't happen again? He doesn't deserve you now. This may be me jumping the gun, but he may just being going back for you because he missed the fun for a time, but once he gets his fill, just like the first time, he'll be done. Again, I may be assuming that, I have no idea if that will really happen, I just want you to be wary.

I'm sorry to say, but I think you should just give space to the married man. After all, he is married. You shouldn't get in between a man and his woman. That being said, what's done is done and you not beat yourself up about it. Even if you want them to divorce, I think you know deep down that you should first let them try to make it up to each other. Think about his daughter that he may not see ever again if they divorce. He needs to try and get his wife back, even though it will hurt all three of you. It's the right thing to do.

That being said, I don't think it'd be bad if in the end he did decide to divorce and search for you. That, however, should be of his own accord, not yours.

If things with the married man end up going away from you, I encourage you to take a small break from men then start all over. Find a man you think you might like and ask him out for coffee. Nothing big, just a one-time date to see if you like him. If you don't, no harm done. If you do, ask him out for another. I think that life likes to itself work out eventually if you let it and just cruise through it, following the current of time. I know many people in their mid-thirties who are single and are very happy. That isn't to say they don't want a spouse, but I think the key to living in happiness is content with how things are.

Don't keep yourself bubbled up in work like so many other people do. Go out and have fun, go hiking with some friends, go on some fun tour of a factory, be it beer or chocolate. Be friendly to everyone, talk to them and get to know them. You'll find yourself meeting so many amazing people, and who knows, maybe eventually you'll find a guy who you just KNOW is the right one.

If you don't like any of my advice, please by all means ignore it, I just like to throw it out there so people can think about it.

Really, best of luck to you, I hope you do end up with as much happiness that is out there for you to hold