His ex is constantly trying to get with him !

[aprilfrench]

Hi everyone.

I have been dating a guy for the past 8 months or so. We met when I was studying for a semester abroad and started seeing each other casually before falling in love and starting a long distance relationship. Everything has been great, and I can really see a future with him (first time this ever happened!).

But I have a little problem with one of his exes. She was his first girlfriend, they dated for about 6 months and he ended the relationship. They went on and off, and became buddies from time to time later on. They’ve known each other for approximately 6 years. The thing is that she is still in love with him, and has been trying to get closer to him by any way since then. She first got friends with his half sister, so she could get invited to his mom’s house. She would show up at parties where she knew he would be. She tried to get friends with people in his circle, etc.

Since I started dating him, she got closer to his roommate, ended up dating him for a while, so she would spend a lot of time at his house or at parties where he would go. I’ve personally noticed moments where she showed her feelings towards him, like looks, or laughing hysterically to what he would say, touch him every time she could, calling him “cute” nicknames etc. It never really bothered me because I knew it was his past and I could see things were different between us. He told me he never felt that way towards anyone before and proved me that what we had was special and real.

I saw him last weekend after 2 months apart. A few days before, we got in a huge fight and I almost broke up with him because things were just too hard. But everything was good again and while he was in the shower, I looked at his texts (bad, I know). I wasn’t really expecting to find anything but ended up finding texts from her. She texted him “Come here”, which he answered to by “where you at b?”. Followed a conversation about her trying to get him to go to a party, saying they “loved him more there” than where he actually was etc. He stopped responding to her after a few texts. I confronted him about it, and he said that nothing is ever gonna happen again with her, that he doesn’t care and just didn’t want to be mean with her. But I just feel like he wasn’t clear enough with her, in the sense that he didn’t clearly say no. I’m afraid she’s going to take it as an invitation.

Especially because now she has just started getting friends with his half brother, spending a lot of time at his house, but also at his mom’s house (again…). I know his mom doesn’t like her but this all thing is starting to get me pretty pissed. I just HATE her. And I am mad at him for not sending her packing. What should I do? And if I end up being at his mom’s while she’s here, how should I act?

Thanks a lot and sorry for the long post. (and possibly my broken English… I’m not a native English speaker )

[Mech Mushroom]

Hey I know it's been a bit since you posted this, sorry that no one has responded to it yet :/

If you care to know, I'm mostly on your side. His ex should not still be pursuing him when she knows you are dating, but someone women (and men as well) are just crazy people. Have you tried telling her off? I would assume you have, but in case you haven't, that is a last resort. You never know what could happen if you did it. Your boyfriend could get angry, she could become even crazier. So many things could happen. What I think you should do is ask your boyfriend to tell her straight to stop the "flirting" and anything she does to pursue him still. You are dating him, not her, she has no right to try and get in between you. All that does for you two is make you specifically much more aggravated, which wouldn't be healthy for the relationship. If he's not willing to do it, you need to make him willing (don't go too far in that, it'll put a strain on your relationship, which can be dangerous). But if he agrees, then hopefully things will turn out well. If he by chance doesn't agree, that's when you have to take it into your own hands. If you can't handle not doing anything about it, if you can't handle her trying to get her old boyfriend back, then you need to tell her off and put her in her place. There's a reason that he hasn't gone back to her lately. You're that reason. Of course be as careful and caring as you can, don't rub it in her face. In my opinion, you should treat everyone with respect in love, as hard as it may be. It's okay to fail in that, everyone does, including me. But that is the best way to prevent creating enemies, and nobody wants an enemy. Really, there isn't anything you can do that's still legal that would get her out of both of your lives, so you don't want her to be your enemy. But let her know that you are dating him, not her. She can't act like his boyfriend, nor can she try and steal him from you.

If you don't like any of my advice, please by all means ignore it, I just want to get you thinking~

Best of luck to you, I hope thinks turn out well for you!

[TheEvilJester]

I do agree in large part with Mech Mushroom here and the overall plan he lays out. I just have to say I differ from him on one aspect. I do think you should encourage your boyfriend to be more firm with his ex. He should put his foot down and tell her to stop pursuing him. That he has moved on and she needs to as well, and if she does not he will need to remove her from his life.

However, where my opinion differs is that I do not think you should do/say anything to her and I do not think you should ever let it go to the point where you have to force him to deal with it. To be honest, as far as I am concerned, he should have dealt with it without you even having to bring it up. How can he not see that her actions would upset you? How could he not see that they are unfair to you? Just as importantly, her actions are not fair to HIM either, and he should want to put a stop to it without you even having to ask him.

Instead, he has chosen to try to be the "good guy" and not hurt he feelings. He hoped she would just take a hint and stop in time. I can understand that, but in a situation like this, that rarely works.... as it obviously has not this time. So, now I would say it is time you start to discuss with him that this is upsetting you. You don't want to discuss it with him in ways that make it seem like you are blaming him or telling him what to do. Just tell him how her actions make you feel. That you understand it is not HIS intention to make you feel this way, but that her actions upset you. I would assume he's not an idiot. You shouldn't have to spell out for him what he needs to do. Telling him about your feelings should be enough for him to man up and take action.

In my personal opinion, if he still does not, that is not the time to MAKE him or to take actions yourself to make her bug off..... that is time to move on and leave him. She's not YOUR ex. It is not/should not be YOUR job to deal with her. It is his job to tell her to knock it off. You shouldn't have to do that yourself or drag him kicking and screaming and force him to do it. If it gets to that point, you are better off looking for somebody else. For you, though, I hope it doesn't have to get to that point.

Good luck.