Should I stay or should I go?

[daydreams]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to ask some of your advice regarding my current relationship and whether to keep it. I feel I´m currently not equipped with enough knowledge to confidently make this decision. I posted this in the general discussion page as I felt it to be more fitting, hope it is the correct place.

We have been together for three and a half years now, we had very good times and not so good times (long-distance relation, periods of unemployment, moving to a new city / country three times). All in all we have gotten to know the other person quite well. I’m 25, she is 29.

Recently, we openly discussed breaking up, in short we came to the conclusion that it would be logical to break up. Reasons being, communication difficulties (not enough for one, enough for the other), uncertain future (one probably wants children, the other probably not), difficult intimate relation (sometimes little physical contact and attraction / sometimes more).

The intimacy part is strongly related to her period. One week each month the hormones are in full throttle and everything is as good as one can wish for, another week she barely becomes physical and the relationship is very difficult. The remaining weeks are not good and also not bad. 1) someone has any similar experiences?

Feelings for each other are still there and to me the question becomes one of being able to find something better or not. I like to compare it with a score, if you rate the relationship a 6 how likely is it to find an 8? and how likely is it that you will still rate the new relation an 8 after 3 years? 2) Alternatively compare it to a path (life), you walk the path and pick one strain of grass (partner). You find it to be a good length and continue walking but when and how do you decide to pick another piece of grass to see if it can be longer and how do you know your current strain is long enough?

Finally I have a question regarding long-term relationships (LTR). Together we do not consider long-term relationships over ten years as a real possibility. We both don´t know anyone in our lives with a happy LTR nor can we see the logic behind the idea. The idea that a relationship is based on feelings and the experience that feelings die down make the conclusion that LTR are a difficult thing. 3) how are your experiences with this? (please only consider example that you have seen in real life)

As said the main question is to break up or not..... After our break up conversation we bounced right back together and are currently feeling very good towards our relation. The problem however remains, the rationale behind our talk still stays present.

I would greatly appreciate any advice either to the main question or the other points, if there are similar post about one of the topics please redirect them to me, I did some searching but wasn't successful finding some. I tried to talk to sever people but none seem to have any satisfactory answers, I feel some of these questions are very difficult for most people.

[TheEvilJester]

None of us can tell you what to do. That is really between you and her. There are MANY factors that should go into such a decision. However, what I can offer you is my personal thoughts and what I might do i I were in your situation.

Personally, here is what I take away from your story. You two had fun and genuinely liked each other..... but there are some big deal things where you just don't match up. One person wanting kids and the other not (or not sure).... one person wanting sex more often and the other not so much.... Things like that are not just minor little things that could hopefully go away. They are pretty big deal things. If you are not compatible in aspects like that, that is a pretty good sign you probably aren't the right match.

Now, only you two would know. Maybe those things could change and you could both be more in agreement. It just sounds unlikely that you two will quite match in those aspects, and we aren't talking about minor details here like "She hates a tv show I love" or "I like rock and roll and she likes pop music."

As far as long term relationships, I personally believe they CAN and do exist. It can be hard, but I think when you find the right person you can (if you are willing) be together for even the rest of your lives. If that isn't necessarily what you want or believe, that is fine as long as your partner agrees. But, bottom line, if you even at least want the possibility of something long term/permanent, then there is no point in wasting time with a relationship you know ISN'T going to work. So, if that is the case here, better just to move on. If there is the chance it could work out, and you want to give it that chance, then maybe you keep trying. Really, that decision is up to you and her.

Good luck.

[daydreams]

Hey Jester,

big thanks for your reply. Yesterday we discussed the issues and came back together more in love than we have ever been before. I´m not sure what more to tell you but I feel that there are indeed many factors at play and I find it extremely difficult to know what they are, what I want them to be and what I don´t want them to be.

[TheEvilJester]

And, you know.... if that works for you two right now, then that is perfectly fine. It really just boils down to what works for you, what works for her, and whether you both are fine with just living with that for now. If it works for you two to just enjoy your time as it is now and not worry about whether or not you'll be together down the line, then that is great. If both of you or even one of you wants something more serious and that doesn't seem possible right now..... BUT it seems it could be down the road, then that is great.

So, if this works for you right now, then I say more power to you. Enjoy, have fun, and just live in the present. It sounds like you are saying that is where you've both landed for now, so if so just enjoy. If something should change for either of you, worry about it then, but it sounds like for now you two are good with where you are. I'd have more advice for if that does change, but for now I suppose you don't need it. At least not now, and maybe not in the future.

Good luck to you either way.