Lost between hurt me and love me

[Xy23]

Me and my possible soul mate have been seeing each other for 8 years with 2 years of not dating we recently had a huge falling out which resulted in her leaving me for another guy which I now know. She broke things off with the usual "it's not you its me" bs and "we need space" lines but continuing on... That was a month and almost 2 weeks ago. She called me a couple days ago which led to her coming over, reason being that she wanted to talk in person. I have been hearing rumors of her dating the guy she broke up with me for and that they're ENGAGED, but what's a rumor without proof right? So she gets here and behold a engagement ring on her finger! She told me everything and why she did what she did and the famous line "I'm confused". She cried so damn much and apologized a lot, which I could see was hard for her to do. We talked, we fussed, we physically jacked each other up... And we made love which is why I am now lost. I love this woman, I do but I don't want to be so damn vulnerable to her. She's the only one who ever brung out my emotional or romantic characteristics and I love her more for that. Back to the story she told me before she left that she needs to be back with me I do want her back but only to do right by our love I'm tired of giving her chances after chances after chances again only to be back starting over every single time. She's in a whole new relationship and even engaged so that tells me she wanted some new experience, now that she's had it she wants to return home not realizing that it's no easy direction to proceed to. I value her as a queen and I showed her nothing but endless gestures of love while together I gave her aggression and unconditional love. She's a beautiful person inside and out but why do I think more highly of herself than herself? Shouldn't she want a man like me? Moving on.. She's don't have that much family and after her mom and grandad passed away she haven't been the same it was 6 years and 4 years ago I believe, I just want her to be happy even if she never called or came over I'd still want her happy. I know I can leave her alone but I also know I'll never stop thinking of her either which is why I need advice I told her I think she needs to be alone to let herself heal. I feel that she's been in rebound relationships every since we broke from a 5 year relationship which started in 2008, she's been in relationships constantly which I feel stopped her from healing and learning every damn time. We don't have to be on the same level but alongs we're growing together is all that matters I'm 23 and she's 22 years old. Any advice?

[hazey daisy]

She too immature to know what she wants and she is a narcissist. She only cares about herself and steps on people's hearts to get what she wants. She ain't no angel she just cheated on her fiance' and more than likely she cheated on you...possibly with more than one guy. Stop being so hung up on this fake image you have of her....it's been all lies. I know you are gutted, we all get messed in the head when we can't have what we desire, but the sooner you remove her from your life the better you will be. PS, you have some growing to do yourself.

[Kates David]

In terms of advice the problem is that we`ve only heard the story from your prospective. You mention having been aggressive, what does that imply? Has her experience with you genuinely been a stabilizing one? Only she can answer that. True, we may require to read between the lines, but this is still a question which should be put before her. Prospective can be entirely different from person to person, and how you experience yourself may be entirely different to how many others do. There may be something fundamentally flawed with the relationship that you have with this girl, but it will not necessarily be obvious what that flaw is. She is likely either emotionally very immature for her years, for whatever reason/reasons, or otherwise, I`m initially tending in the direction of an ego driven actress, somebody that when they love only do so superficially. Somebody that was taking their relationships seriously, somebody that entertains genuine love, would not likely be engaged to one guy whilst making love to another.

I can however draw no certain conclusions without first hearing what she has to say on the whole matter. Those bereavements you spoke of, they might well have been tellingly emotionally destabilizing for her, and thus at the very least tend her in the direction of which she now finds herself. When family members die it can cause one to question everything. Are you supporting her in this area? She may have been emotionally seduced by this second guy, and he may have made his move when she was the most vulnerable. Psychopaths are the best adapted to making such moves on young women, so I can only hope that you remain in your supporting role just incase. This would definitely account for why she is feeling confused right now. In any event, under these circumstances it is unlikely that his love is a match for your own. You suggest to not obsessing for her, so this being the case there is no reason for me to believe that your extended affections are causing you a detrimental level of suffering. Without your support as a friend she might fall a very long way. Don`t be overly concerned that she`s not perfect, it`s good to be needed, and perfect girls seldom do. It may become more of a father daughter type relationship over time, because emotional support and guidance tend to be at odds with emotional seduction/sex.

[Xy23]

I have been nothing but the best to her, as in aggressive love I mean never giving up my role as a man in our relationship nothing physical. In all areas she had flaws in I made sure they never made her think less of herself so I was most definitely picking up in all emotional areas in our relationship. Our relationship has had its breaks in the past all being infidelity on her end, that happened about 3 times not including a sexual relationship she's had with my high school best friend. I forgave her for all those things, maybe I was to available? She called me yesterday saying she's confused about leaving me alone or leaving her current relationship alone, I feel the decision should've be obvious but not to her. She cried on the phone saying she wants to be near me and then saying she can't, I told her if she's confused she never will know and I told her goodbye.

[Kates David]

Could well be that you have been "perfect" but the dilemma comes about over the fact that nearly everybody always claims to have been so under circumstances such as these.. Even if you have been perfect, whatever perfect is, the way to wholly understanding a relationship is via the prospective from both sides. It`s quite understandable that you have had enough of her antics, and therefore enough of her as a friend. It is likely that she is simply highly relationship spoilt, and lacks the capacity for genuine love. I hope that there is somebody left in her life to whom she can turn to for support and guidance. With you gone she might turn to the bottle, or worse.

[TheEvilJester]

She's a beautiful person inside and out...

Let me just point this out.... a "beautiful person inside and out" doesn't discard someone so easily and drop them for somebody else. A "beautiful person inside and out" doesn't toy with somebody's emotions. Doesn't ditch one person they've been with for YEARS only to immediately jump into another relationship (which, frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually actively cheated on you while still with you) and then quickly get engaged to some loser she barely knows. Doesn't come toying with your emotions and try to get you back, essentially now cheating on her fiance. Doesn't tell YOU she doesn't want to be with him anymore without at least first having that discussion with HIM (though, to be perfectly honest, I have my doubts she has any intention of ever sharing that with him as I wouldn't be surprised if she just enjoys having attention from you both).

Believe me, I'm not saying all this with the intention of trashing the person you once loved, and perhaps think you still do love. I'm just saying all this to try to help you see that if she was the great person you thought she was, she wouldn't be doing all of this to you or to this other guy either.

You already mentioned you and her have broken up and tried to get back together before and it has never worked. Why would this time be any different? Unless anything has changed (which, CLEARLY she hasn't) then how would the result be any different now?

You deserve better than this. You don't need this drama in your life. I think we can all understand how you are feeling. That part of you still wants what you two once had. The thing to realize is you don't really miss HER. You don't really want HER. What you miss, what you want, is the person you THOUGHT she was and the feeling it gave you believing you had maybe found "the one." You are not going to get that from her. All you will get is more pain. However, the good news is there IS somebody out there who can give you all of that and more.... because it will actually be REAL this time. You just have to find her. You'll only find her by moving forward, not by moving back.

Good luck, friend. You deserve happiness. You won't get that by going back to somebody already proven to bring you only misery. Please care enough about you to search out that happiness somewhere else where you may actually have a chance to find it.

[Kates David]

If you are stronger than your otherwise emotions support her. I`d have no problem with taking on such a girl as a friend. See other girls at the same time, that`s a given. I`d only wish to stay completely clear of her if she`s a psychopath, but you`ve provided contrary indication for this. Perfect people are never likely to require your help, and anyway, why would one wish to help somebody more that requires helping less? Perhaps her problem is simply that she is out of her own control in matters of the heart.. Whilst this can cause great sufferings for certain people it is n`t a reason for denying her all friendships. You need to be an adult about it though, for no mere twenty five year old could hope to cope. It is what it is, so obviously, do n`t expect it to start filling any emotional gaps. You may require time out. The question is, do you genuinely like her outside and beyond her romantic antics? I do n`t agree with doing relationships primarily for personal gain but I do n`t believe in taking on more than is good for ones health either.

[Xy23]

Yes I understand. I do believe she's a good person maybe she just fails to show her love in the way I deserve it. It's takes a lot from my standpoint to actually come to the realization that we're actually done so it just stings to know she gave it up in a instant. How do you look back at your life once your 40 and not want to be with the person you created those memories with? When we got back together I seen she did change she was a different person in the relationship this time around but after 8 months I started seeing old habits that I didn't want to compare our current relationship. I deserve better? What is better? Because I don't think I'll be happy in a relationship due to the fact that I might be in pain forever.

I wish I can still support her but I can't let her ruin me, I'm trying to build my life back up and I don't want to get hurt again. I can't see her without thinking relationship as of now so of course I want to stay clear of her. My heart is severely magnetized to hers, only if she had a clue that we could really be happy. I've always felt like a rug that she stepped on at times but as a man isn't I'm supposed to endure more than my lady? Or at least be forgiving and supportive. The times I've taken her back I felt that she needed me, so being superman I rescued her. How can she be hurt? She cried the whole time when she was here, it was moments where it would be perfect like watching tv or playing the game and then boom! Back to reality where we're in a devastating situation. I never proposed to her and I know she wants to be married, we planned on getting married in the next two years before we have our kid. Then we started not seeing eye to eye at times while discussing the future and she told me she doesn't see herself with me in the future when she left the first time a month ago. Just wish I could heal these emotions in my heart and move on like she did, but I'll drink to that! As of now I hope she grows as a person and one day fix what she's done.

[Kates David]

You both love her and you are also emotionally in love with her. You obviously cannot afford to be emotionally in love with a person that makes you feel as though they are constantly retracting their affection/engaging in activities symbolic of withdrawing their affections for you. The emotional world is not always quite the real world, and this girl may still be in love with you/be in as near as she is capable of experiencing love for you even when she is with another. You could support her only as a friend that loves her, and only then with compensating relationships. To get out you must end it, she wont, because you mean too much to her, not enough, but too much. Not enough by the measure which it is customary to apply, and too much by all of those other measures which society would have us forget, if ever even realize. I do n`t think that, other than by way deliberately gloating on it, you`ll find ending it emotionally harder than having to continue experiencing the suffering which you are. It sounds as though she was defectively nurtured as a child, but I do not think that she deliberately hurts you. She is in emotional turmoil as well, made worse for her by knowing that the way she is treating you is so terribly wrong. I do n`t of course mean to suggest that she is capable of suffering your level of emotional pain, but she might well wish that she could.

[TheEvilJester]

Whether you believe it or not, you do deserve better. What is better? Quite simply, better is somebody who doesn't put you through all this BS and drama. Somebody who would cast you aside so easily, so quickly get into another relationship, and then so suddenly decide she wants you back..... this is not a stable person who will likely be capable of treating you and your relationship with the proper care and respect. Yes, all relationships hit a rough patch sometimes... but not THIS rough. Sure, there are times when you should fight to keep a relationship, but there are also times when you should realize that it is better for all involved to stop trying to hold something together that is not meant to be.

And, believe me, I think it is awesome that you have always wanted to be somebody who would be there for his gal when she needs it. So, you do have the right attitude there. You certainly should be able to be the strong "Superman" when your gal needs. That just shouldn't be the entire basis of a relationship, nor should it ever leave you feeling like "a rug she stepped on" as you put it.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I was in a terrible relationship I should have ended LONG before I finally did. I had this same debate with myself. I always tried to do everything I could to be her rock (or, as I like to put it, her Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson :-P) I tried to be there for her and be supportive to her because that is what any boyfriend/fiance/husband should do for his girlfriend/fiance/wife and vice versa. The thing is, she never did any work herself to get through all of her problems and instead chose to just give in to them. How exactly can you help somebody who refuses to help themselves? Not only that, but she didn't appreciate me for trying to help but instead tried to act like the victim and make me seem like the bad guy just for wanting to help.

In the end, that was most definitely a situation where I needed to see that it was time to leave. That ceased to be a situation where it was worth fighting to keep what I had, because what I'd thought I had was never really real. Even if it was, it was gone. Take it from somebody who knows from experience, you are better off without that kind of drama in your life. Heck, even if you wound up alone, you'd be better off alone than stuck in a miserable relationship that will only continue to bring you pain.

You rock for wanting to be able to be there for her, but being there for somebody does not and should not mean allowing them to use you, to walk all over you, to abuse you. YES, you deserve better. Frankly, anybody would deserve better than that kind of treatment.

[Kates David]

Those that most deserve better are those that are on occasion there for those that are not themselves doing so well. Those that are only ever in easy self orientated relationships, and simply aim to live lives of carefree pleasure, do n`t actually deserve nearly so much. Yes, of course you deserve better, you of all people, but only because you put genuine love out in front of self love. There is no such thing as genuine love which will not permit itself suffering. Those that are defective in some way, to include your late girlfriend, require the most support, but are not only tending to receive very little, or none, but are also being constantly attacked for their dysfunction. I only live with girls that have problems, and I have learnt to enjoy their company. This is far more of a service than merely servicing girls as milk cows. Relationships are far too important to stop at what one deserves.

[Xy23]

Still haven't spoken or seen her since the last time but I've been hearing that my sister has been keeping contact with her, calling each other ect.. I can't help it but to be a little upset because I've asked my sister multiple times to stop communications with my ex especially since our break up is "still new". My sister doesn't respect me so I didn't expect her to actually respect me, one she's 27 or 28, and two she likes DRAMA and I mean all of it ! I feel that she's doing it on purpose and to stir up drama. I communicate with my sister boyfriend more than her and she hates that shit, she causes a scene every time I'm over her house to where I leave every single time I go over there because of her mouth and her need to verbally abolish someone in her sight. Every day somebody is the victim to her, either her kids, family, friends, or her boyfriend. She has recently in the last few months pushed everyone away from her to where the only people she communicates with is my ex and her ex. Now my sister has never kept contact with my ex during our relationship, but somehow every time it's a break she wants to be "in contact". She talks to my ex then relay messages to her bf then he tells me which is why I haven't been over my sister house in a month, yesterday was the first time. She got mad at her bf for HER spending 1500 on a trip instead of paying HER electric bill. He gave her his whole check before the trip to pay the bills and she bought a galaxy s6 and now she's broke, bills behind and still unhappy, anyways she kicked him out threw his clothes down the steps and fought him on his way to get his keys out her car which he couldn't because she grabbed her keys and locked him out her apartment. I took him home before going home myself. Am I overreacting? I ask for the simplest thing and she can't respect my decision to my past relationship. Why do she needs contact with her, I feel that my sister tells my ex things about me and basically keeping tabs on me. I don't like it.

[Kates David]

I guess similar/like minded people do invariably cling together. Your being at odds with your sister`s character, she feels that she has something to recent there, and with attributes seemingly in common with your ex the intermissions are the perfect opportunity to put the domestic world to rights.

[TheEvilJester]

Jeez, man. Really sorry to hear that. It's like you are a magnet attracting these kind of pieces of human garbage into your life. Your own sister? UGH! You know.... I am all for remaining loyal to family.... but there IS a breaking point. Make no mistake about it.... this women is your sister only by blood. If this is the way she treats you, she's not really your family. She's just related to you. You shouldn't even need to ask us. There is almost NO reason it is at all appropriate for her to be talking to her brother's ex.

Hell, I could MAYBE have some leniency on that if they were friends while you were together, or even before you were together. I still think I'd consider it a no-no, but at least then it would make some sense...... But you said they were never really close when you two were together. You break up and suddenly your sister feels the need to be buddy buddy with your ex? Yeah... that's messed up.

Sometimes we may not feel we can write family out of our life entirely. She's still your sister, so I'm sure you don't necessary want to just pretend she doesn't exist... but honestly sometimes it is best to at least keep them at arm's length. You may not be able to completely avoid family, but no reason to allow them a regular place in their life if they've proven they don't deserve it.

[Kates David]

The only question remaining, are you digging adequately deep to be totally unbiased with your account/Is your perception in any way compromised by your own compromised circumstances? I concur with E.D. taking it that you have delivered the circumstances in full, and as they in reality are, not simply your perception of these circumstances. Bare in mind, ordinary people tend to operate in the format of perception, and philosophers, if they are any good, try, only try, to recover insight from beyond this. Taking it that you have "stood to one side of yourself" and applied purely impartial consideration, then E`s suggested response is entirely logical in my view. Sometimes you hear an entirely different account with an entirely contrary prospective from other participant parties. Truths are on occasion found to reside in middle ground, and out of reach for the prospective of all concerned parties. It becomes rapidly harder to accept your account at face value as the players with seemingly pathological personality disorders are increased. The question might require to arise as to whether anybody that has directly to do with these two persons shares your prospective of them? To get the best possible out of individuals tell them when they have done wrong, and why it is wrong, but otherwise only treat them with humility.
Youtube/KatesDavid/The heavy duty doubled spring behind head bending record (7 files) Last weekend. I`m after hits as I eventually wish to try and repair a little of people`s response over the passage of time/ageing.