Making the best of time

[Reesie]

My boyfriend of two years broke (tried to?) up with me one week after our second child was born. We moved very quickly in our relationship during the first three months, and have slide a very steep and slippery slope ever since. Just when things started to get better after the birth of our first child, there I was pregnant with number 2.

I've spent most of our relationship complaining about not havingvmy needs met, particularly spending time alone with him and together as a family with our kids. Of course, the little I did get has withered to nothing the more I've complained.

He never used to respond with his qualms, rather simply state that I'm overreacting, he's here, and it'll all work out. I begged to differ that in order for it to work out, we needed to work on our relationship.

I don't even remember what I was complaining about when he finally opened up to me. He said he is miserable living with me, he feels nothing for me, he's leaving, that I'm miserable, depend too much on him for happiness, make him feel guilty about everything he does, that his kids come first - relationships are secondary, and that hes been waiting months to say all this as he wanted a healthy child.

It has now been two months since this conversation, and I have been doing my best to make changes in my demeanour and approach to him. I don't believe my motives were in vain, however I do recognize my approach was the downfall of our relationship. I have had to outbursts since, but he is still here. I see he is making inklings of change too. He still introduces me as his girlfriend.

Today, I tried to talk to him about what relationships mean to him, as I want to understand him and see what further changes I can make, and if I'm even willing to make them. In the conversation, he mentioned obligation, and that he is staying because he feels that I need him financially.

While I would struggle initially if he left me, it is nothing a few lifestyle changes wouldn't fix. He has no problem leaving his other kids mothers, (I'm the third) yet he is staying although he claims to be unhappy. I have not mentioned to him that I want to give us one more real try, though I'm certain he knows I want to keep our family together.

Is his staying a sign that he still wants it to work? Do I have the conversation or hope our individual growth will naturally progress the relationship? How do I maximize the value of his stay, knowing I'm not certain when or if he'll pack his bags and leave?

[melancholia]

I don't even remember what I was complaining about when he finally opened up to me. He said he is miserable living with me, he feels nothing for me, he's leaving, that I'm miserable, depend too much on him for happiness, make him feel guilty about everything he does, that his kids come first - relationships are secondary, and that hes been waiting months to say all this as he wanted a healthy child.

It has now been two months since this conversation, and I have been doing my best to make changes in my demeanour and approach to him. I don't believe my motives were in vain, however I do recognize my approach was the downfall of our relationship. I have had to outbursts since, but he is still here. I see he is making inklings of change too. He still introduces me as his girlfriend.

Today, I tried to talk to him about what relationships mean to him, as I want to understand him and see what further changes I can make, and if I'm even willing to make them. In the conversation, he mentioned obligation, and that he is staying because he feels that I need him financially.

Is his staying a sign that he still wants it to work? Do I have the conversation or hope our individual growth will naturally progress the relationship? How do I maximize the value of his stay, knowing I'm not certain when or if he'll pack his bags and leave?

Honestly, it sounds like he's checked out emotionally and mentally... why would you want to stay with someone who blatantly admits he is with you purely out of "obligation" and not because he loves you and wants to build a life with you? He actually said he thinks you are too dependent on him so he feels trapped into staying with you? What a d.ick thing to say. No woman should ever need to rely on a man for anything. It's ok to admit that you really want one around, but it is so important to be self sufficient for this exact reason. It does sound like you know you can do this alone, even though you don't want to; and you shouldn't have to do it alone anyway.

It sounds like your SO is punishing you for him being miserable, but guess what? That's his fault, and his responsibility to change his life for the better, not yours. You have tried to make changes, tried to engage in conversations with him that can improve your relationship and he doesn't seem to want to work with you on that. That isn't a very mature way to be thinking and he needs to smarten up and get his act together if he desperately wants healthy children.

You said that he has other children with other women, which says to me that he is not the kind of guy to stick around. He may for a while, but when things get too difficult for him, he bails. Which says to me that he is weak. He is doing the absolute bare minimum to try and improve things, while he leaves you to pick up the rest of the work. That's not fair, and that's not how relationships should be. It's not even about giving 50/50, it's about both people giving 100% of their energy into the relationship. He says he wants to stick around for his children's sake, because they come before his relationship, but if the relationship isn't positive, it's unhealthy for the children to be around that. Children are extremely perceptive, especially to stress and anxiety, and they can feel the hostility in their parents' negative relationship. Talk to any child of divorce, and they will tell you that even though they may wish their parents could have made it work, they recognize it's better that their parents split up than allow their toxic relationship to bleed into their children's lives. A relationship between parents, teaches their children about what love should look like. You want your children to grow up with secure attachment in their adult relationships, and the best way to set your kids up for that, is to demonstrate a healthy, positive, secure attachment with your partner.

I believe it is healthier for children to grow up in a single parent home, than in a home with parents who are not happy. Negative energy is a life killer and it is very powerful, but positive energy is more powerful. You need to think more about your children's sakes here, and also your own. Forget about your boyfriend for just a minute and think hard and carefully about what is best for you. I understand your desire to keep the relationship going and to get it to a place where you are both happy, but at what cost? How much time and energy are you willing to put into making that happen? How long do you think (realistically) you can keep this level of energy up without any signs of improvement? I understand not wanting to end the relationship because A) you want your family to stay together, which everybody wants; and B) you don't want to feel like a failure if you give up. But truthfully, it's not always a failure to walk away. Sometimes it's the healthiest choice to give up on something you know isn't working, because you've put as much energy and effort in as you possibly could, and sometimes things aren't meant to be fixed.

It might make both you and your BF happier if you split up. If you aren't ready to do that yet, then I highly suggest couples counseling with a combination of co-parenting counseling as well. It might be a great option for you two so that you have a professional who is equipped to deal with your problems. A counselor is a buffer, who can help mediate difficult conversations, as well as help both of you learn to articulate your feelings, wants, and needs.

Wishing you the best of luck on this. I truly hope things get better for you.

[TheEvilJester]

I will say this.... he's right about one thing. When you have kids, they should come first. .....But that doesn't mean that should be completely at the expense of your other relationships in life. Least of all your partner in this whole parenthood thing. I'm sorry, but being so concerned with being a parent that you forget all other relationships does NOT make you a good parent.... it makes you a bad person. Unless you have LITERALLY nobody else in your life (which would honestly be a WHOLE other problem, but I won't elaborate on that) there is no excuse for you to completely neglect the other important people in your life.

Yes, your children should always come first, but that doesn't mean nobody else figures into the equation AT ALL. To be perfectly honest, though, I don't buy for a second that this is honestly why he's been neglecting you. I'm just playing Devil's advocate here to point out that even if that WAS the case, that still isn't okay. Bottom line, though, I doubt he'd be any better a partner even if there WERE no kids in the equation.

Bottom line, kids will be MUCH better off with two parents who are not together but are happy rather than to be stuck with two parents who ARE together, but are miserable.

Now, you have shared with him for a long time how this relationship just was not meeting your needs. From the sound of it, he's basically dismissed and ignored your concerns. I guess maybe he just hoped they'd magically go away. That or the more likely possibility that he just didn't give a crap. By no means is it okay the way he's treated you. To ignore your complaints for so long and then suddenly act like HE is the one who is unhappy in the relationship just shows how immature he is.

If he truly is unhappy with the relationship, then where was that honesty when you were sharing your unhappiness with him? How can he expect you to work on whatever it is that is making him unhappy when he refused for so long to even hear your complaints?

I could be wrong.... but I see no evidence to make me believe that he deserves you. Personally, my advice would be to end the relationship. You two will have to continue to work together as parents to your children, but that doesn't mean you have to be together. It sounds to me like you'd be better off not. Sure, that is not an ideal situation, but it is better you are two happy parents who aren't together rather than two miserable parents who are.

And again, maybe I am wrong and there is something worth fighting to fix. If so, then I wish you two the best and hope you find your way back to happiness together. If I am right, though, please do not allow yourself to be treated this way. You deserve to be happy. Honestly, so does he. Anybody would. If that happiness cannot be found with each other, then you both deserve the chance to find somebody else. Good luck.